Hands For Hire

Forever on the look out for ways in which I can serve my fellow man (and woman, especially woman) I have found the answer to Cameron Diaz' door knob phobia while at the same time providing a job to a very deserving individual.

Jeff Kepner lost both hands and feet to a bacterial infection about a decade ago (should have used Purell) and recently became the proud owner of two new hands as the first person to receive a double hand transplant in the United States.

Not sure about the length of those forearms.

As you can see from the picture, Jeff is rediscovering the non-stop excitement of Connect 4 and plans on trying his hand at Buckaroo! next. I don't know about you but after 10 years without hands instead of wasting my time playing games I would be beating my cock like it owed me money, especially if it felt like it was someone else doing it. Tell me that you would not be doing the same and I will call you a liar. Jeff has only had his new mitts for a couple of months so there is still some way to go before he is fully rehabilitated but I am sure he would be more than happy to take on the role of official door opener for Diaz.
There is still the issue of him having no feet but this could easily be solved by finding someone who has both feet but no hands and strapping Jeff to the back of this person thereby creating not one but two jobs.Genius...surely there is a place in Barry Obama's cabinet for me?