Tales of nonsense and items of little interest, sometimes true, always poorly thought through. Less sophisticated than most newspapers and magazines.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Is There Anybody Out There?

I have neglected my blog of late. I'm surprised (and somewhat disappointed) that the squatters haven't moved in and turned it into a dirty porno site or something. I also thought Blogger might take it away from me since it was apparently abandoned, but I don't get away that easy. I'm going to try and be a better blogger. By "better" I mean post more often, not actually be better at blogging. No, like as not you are stuck with the same old poo jokes, stories of misfortune and sometimes foolish bravado. It's been a long couple of months, if you have any sense you left long ago, never came back and so are not even reading this. Ready? Comb your hair, pull yer pants back up and stick th'kettle on....

Now I have always been wary of the Swiss and their claims of neutrality. If they are so neutral why do they need to arm themselves with multi-functional knives? It may be one of the richest countries in the world but it is hardly rich in the natural resources an enemy might covet. Admittedly, I know little about Switzerland but I do know that I cannot remember ever hearing about the price for a barrel of crude cuckoo clocks or toblerone's reaching all time highs and affecting the global economy. One thing that I will give the Swiss is they know how to make a good Swiss Cheese, my 15th favorite cheese (I will post about the other 14 another time).

If I were that way inclined and were looking for a good piece of cheese to have sex with, Swiss would be the one since it already has the holes, half the work is already done for you. True, you may need to do a little modification and enlarge the holes slightly (yet another use for your Swiss Army knife) but all in all there would be considerably less mess to clean up afterwards. I'm wondering if there is a name for people who like to have it off with cheese. There must be one for food fetishists although I have no idea what it is, why would I? I don't mess with cheese although I was once slightly aroused whilst peeling some carrots in the nude and who doesn't get embarrassed when eating a banana in public?
I do have to admit that I can see how someone might get drawn into this kind of thing, the excitement of shopping at the supermarket, browsing furtively for just the right piece, not too many holes - it might crumble, good weight, nice firm feel to it. Adrenalin pumping you take a quick look around, has anyone noticed? That fat bald twat of a deli manager seems to be watching you out of the corner of his eye. Does he know? No, he can't....Maybe he does it too? Can't be the only one, must be millions of us.... Right, nice bottle of wine....Have the right change ready for the girl at the checkout for a quick getaway...Why is she smiling like that? Shit, she's onto me...What if I do buy a lot of Swiss Cheese? It's nutty and delicious and a treat to eat....Getting nervous, blushing, sweating, hard on, can't stop thinking about it....lovely cheese, me and you alone, fuck 'em, I don't care if they do know, I'll shop at Whole Foods from now on... Fuck though, it's much more expensive and kind of out of my way and there's always a long line but I must have you.... The wife, the kids, the job...all gone, all for you....See what you are doing to me? I'm gonna learn ya, ya dirty little fucker. Wait 'til I get you in the car.....

Then you get spotted with your dick in a piece of cheese by the young retarded lass that Safeway gets to use for free ('cause it's "work experience") to collect the trolleys from the car park and she starts screaming 'cause she's confused and a crowd gathers round, the bobby's come and take you away with the cheese in a zip lock bag, exhibit A. You make the front page of the local paper and have to register as a sex offender although no one got hurt and all the local kids throw Dairylea triangles at your house and call you Mayor McCheese.... Was it really worth it? Ostracized, an outcast, a pariah, it's all over.

I bet you love it in every hole don't you, you filthy slut

You can see all that happening right?
What were you expecting after almost 2 months without a post?