Tales of nonsense and items of little interest, sometimes true, always poorly thought through. Less sophisticated than most newspapers and magazines.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Wrexham Couple Discover Cure for Female Baldness

The Jones's with a big bag of nob cheese, yesterday

Finally, a cure for female baldness has been found in the most unlikely of places. Wrexham, North Wales.

The startling discovery was made by Mr & Mrs Euan Jones of Wrexham after Mrs Jones went bald several years ago.

"I didn't know what to do" said Mrs Jones, "I thought my life was over. I couldn't go out in public and was ashamed to be seen, even by my own family. It was terrible. I used to cry myself to sleep."

Mr. Jones, credited with the discovery remains humble and refuses to accept the acclaim such a discovery brings. "It started as a bit of a laugh really," he explained, "I would wait until she fell asleep and I would smear my nob cheese on her bald head, more as a revenge for all her moaning and nagging than anything else. I never dreamed that it would lead to her growing her hair back. Now look where we are."

News of the Jones' discovery reached Laboratoire Garnier and within days they had an offer of a multi-hundred pound contract in their hands. Under the terms of the contract, Mr. Jones has to produce a minimum of 2lbs of nob cheese per week. According to Mrs. Jones, her husband has always had a prodigious suply of nob cheese and is overjoyed that it can be harvested for a good cause after years of having to wash the bathroom curtains twice a week.

Garnier have perfected a process whereby the nob cheese is diluted with Yoplait yogurt and then blended with a secret ingredient thought to be Salad Cream, although a spokesman for HJ Heinz would not confirm or deny any joint venture with Garnier.

The product, tentatively named "fromage de pénis pour la croissance de cheveux" is currently only available in Algeria, but is about to be launched Worldwide. The Jones's who claim to be contracted to 5% of sales plan to buy a caravan on Anglesey with their new found wealth.

Picture This.....

You are a paraplegic man, in hospital for some undisclosed reason. You have no family, no friends, nowhere to go. You have no insurance, no way of paying for the treatment of whatever ails you. How much worse can it get?
Plenty, if you happen to be in Hollywood Presbyterian Medical Center.

More than 2 dozen witnesses saw a white van with "Hollywood Presbyterian Medical Center" written on the side dump a 41 year old paraplegic man into the gutter on Skid Row before driving away on Thursday. Apparently, the female driver of the van ignored the shouts of witnesses and applied make-up and perfume before driving away leaving the man, in a soiled hospital gown and with a broken colostomy bag, to crawl from the gutter dragging a bag full of belongings in his clenched teeth. The man was later rescued from the gutter and taken to LA County USC Medical Center.

A spokesman said the hospital's preliminary investigation showed that a hospital ambulance had tried to take the man early in the morning to the Midnight Mission, which he had listed on hospital forms as his home address. But also said the ambulance was turned away because there was no room at the mission.
The man was returned to the hospital's emergency room, the spokesman said; after a shift change, new personnel tried to take the man to his listed address in the van. The spokesman said he did not know whether those personnel knew of the previous attempt or that the address was a mission. But said that on the second attempt, when the van neared the mission, the man "asked the driver to open the door and let him out…. He assured the driver that his wheelchair was at his home and that he could propel himself to his home from (there)."

The LAPD have been working diligently over the past couple of years to reduce the amount of homeless people on Skid Row by arresting them or by putting them on buses and sending them to places like Santa Clarita where they don't really have any homeless people. The hospitals' practice of dumping homeless people on Skid Row is not helping. As quick as the cops can get rid of them, the hospitals are putting them back. Last year, Kaiser Permanente hospitals were busted for doing this same thing. It's obviously a common occurence.

The hospitals explanation is at odds with that of the LAPD's account of what happened. LAPD Officer Eric de la Cruz said he asked the man if he had requested to be dropped off at the location."He said he had nowhere else to go, and the hospital staff told him he could no longer stay there," De la Cruz said. De La Cruz's commander, Capt. Andrew Smith of the LAPD's Central Division, said the man appeared to be "confused and disoriented" when police encountered him.

Jim Lott, executive vice president of the Hospital Assn. of Southern California, acknowledged Friday that "this one slipped through the cracks."Lott said Hollywood Presbyterian had "very strong protocols" in place guiding the release of homeless patients but it was evident they had not been not followed in this case.
"We aren't making any excuses for it," he said.

So, okay. Health Care in the States is a business. BIG business. (Look out Britain - this is the future!) I can almost understand why they dumped him. No one to pay the bill, what's in it for them? I'm not condoning it, I'm just saying I understand the decision. But at the very least, the bare minimum they could have done for the lad before chucking him out of the van was to give him a clean robe and a new colostomy bag. For fucks sake! How much would that have cost? Now that I think about it, no fuckin colostomy bag is better than a broken one.


Things like this make yesterday's adventure with Cunting Sears a real fucking treat.

Guess Who?

.....I'd like to fuck? I'm not talking in general, that would be too hard so I'm narrowing it down to 5 choices. I'm referring to the five lovely ladies of the Milton Bradley guessing game for kids age 6 and over "Guess Who?"

While playing this mind numbingly tedious game with the younger Waring tonight, my inner sickness began to run riot with the idea. Why not invent an adult version of the game? It may have already been done, I'm not big on researching when I get an idea of this magnitude. I'm still working on the details but naturally there would need to be more women in the game. Currently they are outnumbered by 3.8 to 1, not good odds and making the game something of a sausage fest. Great for the ladies and the homo's but what about us red blooded males? We need to at least even up the odds if not weight them in favour of the ladies. I'm all about sexual equality and more. That's just how I am.

So, out of the five who would I like to fuck? Who would you like to fuck? Take your pick....

A fine group of prospective bits of trim

Emily - Getting on a bit but definately knows a trick or two. She's been round the block a few times and flattened plenty grass. Not exactly the kind of girl you would want to be seen down the local with, unless its the local British Legion bingo night, but take off the Dame Edna glasses and dye the hair auburn and she's like a show condition Moggy Minor. Rev her up and watch her go.

Megan - A right flirty bitch. Look at those long eyelashes and the one earring. A sure thing for at least a blowjob on your first date and probably gets pissed on a couple of Babycham's. An ideal woman except for her annoying braying laugh.

Rachel - A posh bitch. The hat and the eyebrows give it away. For sure she is a monkey in the sack and she's probably fucked everyone from the milkman to the pool boy while her CEO husband is off playing golf. Takes it up the arse for sure.

Ashley - Looks to be a bit of a feminist, artsy type with the flat cap perched on one side like that. This is the kind of girl who will hurt you before you get a chance to hurt her. Probably likes really dirty, sex. Wants to be screamed at and punched in the face while you bang her just so she can hate you for it later. Great sex but at what price?

Sarah - Remove those glasses and you have one foxy black chick. Look at the mouth, wide enough to take in you entire ballbag. She's just begging for a pearl necklace to match those faux pearl earrings. I've heard the saying "You've never had your whack 'til you've had a bit of black", but I haven't had a bit of black so I don't know if it's true or not.

I'm going with Ashley in 1st place 'cause I'm a sucker for punishment, Emily a close 2nd 'cause she reminds me of my Gran and Rachel in 3rd just because I want to hear some snooty bitch tell me to stick it in her shitter.
As for the adult version of the game, watch this space....

Fuck Sears!!

Sears are cunts. I will never buy a single fucking thing from them ever again after yesterday. Utter bastards.
I needed a new water heater as the old one had been leaking for the last two weeks, so after shopping around online, I found that Sears had the exact same model advertised for $289.00. Perfect, for the last six years we have lived in the house, the pilot light had never even gone out, and as the heater itself was 11 years old, I figured that I may as well stick with the same brand, a Kenmore.
You can't order water heaters on the Sears website, you have to call an 800 number which I did. The lady who answered seemed a bit rude but I let it go on the grounds of it being Friday. I told her I was calling to order a water heater and she told me that they had one available for $489.00 plus delivery, installation and tax for a total of somewhere around $700. I politely said no thanks as I had a plumber who would install it and I didn't need delivery as I wished to take advantage of their instore pick up (Ready for pick up in 5 minutes - Guaranteed!) I also told her that I wanted the one advertised for $289.00. She asked me for the item number and then told me that in California the cost for that model was $349.00!!! Why, she could not tell me. It was the exact same model sold in other states but for $60 more. Fuck it, I need a water heater so I say okay.
The girl asked me which store I would like to pick it up at. I told her Glendale. She checked and said that Glendale only showed one in stock and that it might be a floor model or already sold so she checked the Pasadena store. They didn't have any but the Boyle store had several and did I want to go there instead. I asked her if she could verify if the one in Glendale was available or not, and if not then I would have to go to the Boyle store. She took my credit card details and all my info and told me that I would get a call within an hour to let me know which store I should go to. This was at 9.30am.
I was busy all morning so it was 12.30 before I realised that they had not called. I called the number the first lady had given me and was chastised by the bitch who answered for calling back too soon because the order was still being processed. I explained what the first lady had told me and after checking, the bitch apologised and told me that my order was in fact ready for pick up at the Glendale store. Great, I said, I can pick it up in Glendale? Yes, she said, it's ready for you and you can pick it up anytime. Cool!
So..... I leave work and drive over to Glendale Sears, punch in my claim check number on the touch screen display - Number not recognised, please swipe the card you used to pay for your purchase. I swipe my card - Unable to locate your transaction, please enter your last name. W-A-R-I-N-G - Please be seated and an associate will be with you shortly. Fuck! I sit down and wait.
A couple of minutes go by and this spaz comes out and asks if he can help me. I explain the situation and he directs me to the touch screen to enter my details. Already done that I tell him. Nevertheless he asks me for my receipt. I tell him I don't have one as it was a phone order and give him the piece of paper with my claim check number written on it. He goes over to the touch screen shaking his head and enters the number - same result. He asks me what I bought and I tell him so off he fucks into the back leaving me on my own. After about 5 minutes, some speccy fucker sticks his head out to tell me they are working on my getting my water heater. Right I says. 10 minutes go by and this 17 year old asian lad comes out and starts to ask me questions. I stay calm and patient and answer them all politely. He makes some notes and fucks off again into a side office. I get up and check out the big poster that advertises the "Ready in 5 minutes - Guaranteed!!" bullshit. "Your order ready for pick up in 5 minutes - Guaranteed. If you do not receive your order in 5 minutes please see the Store Manager for $5 coupon off your next Sears purchase" Cheap bastards - they can fuck off. I'm not even bothering with that which is exactly what they want but fuck em.
Another 5 minutes go by and I am getting irritated so I knock on the office door and ask if there is a problem with my order. A lady tells me to please take a seat while they sort it out. I refuse and demand to know what the problem is. It seems that the lady on the phone earlier, the bitch, fucked me. She had told me to pick it up in Glendale, when in fact the water heater I had purchased was waiting for pick up at the Boyle store. I was not happy. Seeing as I was told the wrong store and gave up my afternoon to drive over here to get it, I asked if they had one in stock. Yes, the woman says, they do. Perfect, I said, I'll take that one and be on my way. She regretted to tell me that I couldn't have that one. My water heater was at the Boyle store. And the transaction had already removed it from their stick and credited their sales, it was complicated but I couldn't change the pick up location once it was confirmed.
Now I am starting to get animated and for clarification I repeat what she has just told me. She confirms that this is indeed the case. Can you deliver the one from the Boyle store, I ask. She tells me that she can't say and that I would need to call the 800 number again.
Barely able to control myself I call the 800 number and sit fuming as I listen to the fuckin shite awful muzak that they use for their hold queue. Finally some hick namde Brandy answers and I relate the situation to her before asking to speak with a supervisor. Brandy cheerfully apologises for my misfortune and tells me that all the supervisors have gone home for the day. It's 3.45pm I tell her. She corrects me by telling me that where they are its 5.45pm. So, I ask her, who is in charge? I can hardly believe my ears when she tells me "Nobody"!!!!!!!! I hang up the phone in digust. I Get in my car and drive 40 minutes through traffic to the Boyle Heights store to get my heater. Drive 40 minutes back to work to sort my shit out and call the plumber to have them come and install it. By the time I got home it was after 5.30. 8 hours since I ordered and paid for a water heater.
Ready in 5 minutes? You fucking twats. Do not shop at Sears - ever.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Sicko Celebs At It Again

Not really a surprise is it? These weird fucker Hollywood types will stop at nothing to get their kicks. Bored with the regular stuff like injecting themselves with drain cleaner and bumming amputees, some have taken once again to getting a buzz from messing with innocent animals.

The practice of Pelican Tickling is becoming more and more common and vets in Los Angeles have reported a huge increase in the number of tired and emotional Pelicans left dumped in cardboard boxes on their doorstep under cover of darkness. Some Pelicans have even been found dressed in childrens underwear or covered in lipstick.

As the disturbing image below shows, celebrities stick their arm down the Pelicans throat and tickle it's prostate gland causing ejaculation. The Pelican spunk is then collected in a cup and mixed with Absinthe. The revolting concoction is then drunk by the sick fuckers present.

An unamed witness to the above picture claims that this particular Pelican was tickled 25 times in one night. He declined to confirm the name of the celebrity involved but did not deny that it may or may not have been Billy Bob Thornton. Hardly surprising. The witness admitted to having drunk the Pelican spunk /absinthe mixture known on the party scene as "Pelijizz" and said that the rush "blows your tits off". He also claimed that Pelicans are fetching upwards of $1000 each on the street although it's buyer beware as some Pelicans may have already been tickled several times by the time you get them.

A Beverly Hills area vet said that tickling Pelicans on occasion would not normally be hazardous to their health and stated that for all he knew, some Pelicans might even enjoy it. However, he cautioned that anything over 6 tickles in a 24 hour period may lead to exhaustion and severe mental anguish for the birds.

A spokesperson for the US Pelican Conservation Society said that at last count they had noticed approximately 500 birds missing but had assumed that they had got lost on their annual migration to the Isle of Man. "Usually several birds do not make it back," he stated, " but now we know about this sick practice we will be keeping a close eye on the US pelican stock." When asked if he thought corruption within the society may be to blame for the sale of birds on the black market he said that he had to rush home as he had "left the chip pan on."

This kind of thing has to stop before innocent birds die. You can help by calling your local Wal-Mart store and letting them know you want to help save the Pelicans. Wal-Mart have agreed to donate 1 cent for every 1000 calls they receive to the USPCS.

Sunday, February 4, 2007

Wake Me Up At Half Time

It's time once again for the annual snooze fest that is the Superbowl. Nothing could be lower on my list of priorities today than sitting watching what is historically a poor example of a poor sport. I know I'm going to infuriate any Yanks reading but that's probably why I am doing this.

I'm sorry America but when the commercials attract more interest than the actual game something is wrong. Indeed not just the Superbowl but the entire sport is ruled by advertising and games are played according to the whims of the network which sold the ad time.Last years game was upstaged by Janet Jackson flopping out a tit, the shock, the horror, the disgrace! Or was that two years ago? I don't remember, all I do know is that people were not talking about the game for the next several weeks were they?

The same could be said of the NBA to a lesser extent and Major League Baseball which is a slow game anyway and the ads are needed to allow you to go and piss out the 4 pints of beer you just drank watching one inning.

I don't follow the NFL. I watch the college game now and again because they seem to be willing to take chances and actually do something creative on the field rather than stick to a game plan to the letter. I'm a football (real football!) and rugby man. 80 or 90 minutes, end to end with a break for a cup of tea and a slice of orange then back to it. No time outs to speak of and no endless debates about whether or not DeAndre Washington put his little toe out of bounds before he caught the ball or after. Of course debates such as this allow for even more commercials while they make up their minds and bring out the tape measure.

NFL players are pussy's. Soft shites who almost always take a knee rather than hit some fucker head on and generate some excitement. The moronic wanker commentators go on and on about how big these guys are and what great athletes they are. Big yes. Athletes no. I'll concede that the running backs and wide receivers are athletic, they spent their teenage years running from the cops and robbing houses. You need to stay in fairly good shape to be successful at that. The linebackers on the other hand are big fuckin' puddin's and do fuck all except stand in the way trying to swat some other big lummox away. Watch a game of Super League or Guinness Premiership, Magners League or Heineken Cup. They are some fuckin' athletes.

American sport on the whole is poor. I'm not gonna apologize. It's shite. You don't get nearly enough streakers and your insistence on there being a winner is tiresome. Overtime, Double Overtime, Triple Overtime, Extra Innings.....Fuck off and call it a draw.

While I'm on one here, let's talk about MLS. You wasted your money on Beckham you fuckin' gimps. He's a larger, older fish in a stagnant pond of small, severely handicapped fish. Your average MLS game is like watching a Lancashire Combination relegation battle. I can't watch MLS. It hurts my eyes and my ears and makes me feel ill. The marriage of shit football and commentators who haven't got the first fuckin' clue is too much for me to handle. I'm not fuckin' interested which school the players went to or what their brothers do for a living. I don't give a shit about their hobbies or interests. Just stick to the game as it was meant to be played and stop trying to reinvent it and make it your own.

Even horse racing and car racing is simplified to the point where they just go round in circles. I think hockey is the only true sport you have and nobody watches that, I'll give you basketball as well cause I'm feeling generous.

Wake up America. Get rid of the commercials and speed up the games. You might even attract enough new viewers and fans to make up for the lost millions in advertising revenue.

Fuck it. Just for the hell of it here it is again.

Despicable! There were kids watching y'know.