Tales of nonsense and items of little interest, sometimes true, always poorly thought through. Less sophisticated than most newspapers and magazines.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Bad Planning

There was some kind of poorly thought through protest in Hollywood last night. At about 11:30pm, a couple of hundred nutcases on push irons (that's a bicycle to most of you) blocked the entrance to one of the car parks on Vine St. Their leader then climbed onto the fence (not really a good spot for a 'so called' leader) and began to whip up the mass of spandex into some kind of muted frenzy.

It was hard to hear what he or she was ranting about over the laughter from the crowd of people waiting to get into the club, the organizers had obviously not considered bringing a megaphone. It sounded something like "....try to keep us down.....won't stop pedaling.....free puncture repair kits.....happy meals....." After 5 minutes they left, some of them yelling "The power is between your legs!" as they rode away into the night or at least to the stop light at Hollywood Blvd. A fairly deep statement, true in many ways, however I'm thinking they were referring to their bikes and not their dicks or vajayjays. Their Choppers not their choppers. Hopefully I won't have to explain that last line to TOO many people.....

Who they thought they were going to convert to their cause at that time of night I don't know. They did succeed in irritating a few people who were trying to enter/exit the parking lot, probably not gaining much sympathy from them in the process. They certainly raised a few eyebrows. It's not often you see such a sight on a Friday night in this neck of the woods.

What made their protest even less effective was the lack of signs or placards. If you are going to have good protest you need some snappy placards like 'No More Protests!', 'Votes for Vegetables!!', 'Impeach Dumbledore!!!' or '¡Viva Salchichas!'. Certainly it is hard to carry a sign on a stick whilst riding a bike at the same time (not very aerodynamic unless turned sideways). Likewise, duct taping one to the bike is probably not practical and may even be a safety hazard, obstructing the view of the cyclist and distracting other road users, so T-shirts or even a song would have been the way to go in this case.

So I have to know. What the fuck were all these people doing last night? Suggestions are welcome but hopefully someone who was present, maybe the guy who had wrapped his bike in yellow faux fur, will do a Google search to try and find press coverage of the event (there is none), find this instead and be compelled to tell the tale.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Bad News

So I get home from work at about 8.45pm tonight, warm up my tea in the microwave and wash it down with a large can of beer. Then I decide to finish off the half bottle of vodka that is in the freezer along the cran-raspberry juice in the fridge. There's fuck all on telly so I decide to watch my favourite evening newscast on Channel 9, KCAL-9 to those of you here in SoCal.

I try not to watch TV news, except for BBC World news on PBS and even then in limited amounts. The news is depressing, mostly negative and just downright shit, especially local news because they have such a limited understanding of topics of international importance and general relevance. Also, their audience is so limited in their comprehension and interest in anything of interest and relevance to me that there really is no need for me to watch such drivel. Yes, I'm so fucking superior it hurts.

All that said, given a choice of local newscasts, I choose Channel 9 primarily because they have the hottest weather girl on local TV in the LA market, Jackie Johnson. Given the competition, tennis ball headed negroes and bespectacled Jewish twats, it is not necessarily a hard task to accomplish, but, nevertheless, the folks at KCAL know the score and so hired Jackie's tits to do the weather. She dresses like trash but who gives a fuck about that?

Anyway, first off, the news started badly when they announced that JJ was off on holiday or with womens problems or summat and that Josh Rubenstein was replacing her.
I don't need a balding overweight Jewish man to tell me that we are up for a a rather mild evening. I need a big titted blonde to tell me that. Okay, so she dresses like she bought her outfit at a jumble sale but who gives a fuck as long as she accentuates the positive? (If you know what I mean......and I think you do.) If she needs time off, fine, play a fucking taped recording, nobody is actually paying attention to a fucking thing she says, they are staring at her tats. Last weeks weather is the same as this weeks weather in this part of the world. I already know that it's going to be hot and rather unpleasant tomorrow. This is the edge of the fucking desert for bogs sake.....

Jackie, for the record also has a modicum of decency about her, worse luck. She recently turned down an offer to do a spread in Playboy, thereby leaving everything to the imagination the big fuckin tease....

Jackie, Jackie Show Us Yer Tits....

So, it was all downhill from there.....

They have decided to put birth control in bird food and to feed it to the pigeons in Hollywood in an attempt to curb the pests. I say what is good for the goose is good for the blacks and hispanics and why stop there? Add it to Spaghetti-O's and slow down the growth of white trash as well. Put it in Ding-Dongs, Twinkies and Kool-Aid and we could save millions in Medicare.

Actor Lane Garrison has appeared in a Public Service Announcement urging people to think twice about drinking and driving. This after he got shitfaced and crushed a teenager between the bonnet of his Land Rover and a tree. It's no coincidence that this PSA is released 2 days before he is due to be sentenced. Fucking attorneys have no morals.

Britney and K-Fed officially split. Why the fuck is this news? I thought they split months ago and had forgotten they were even married. Does anybody actually care?

A 48 year old Dairy Queen is being closed down in Riverside to make way for a new strip mall. They interviewed a 300+lb woman who was in tears saying that she and her husband, high school sweethearts had their first date there (and every fuckin date since then judging by her size*. Seems to me they are doing you a favour.) There will be a new DQ in the strip mall, it just will not be the same. I feel for these people, I like old architecture and like the "feel" of old places but you cannot stand in the way of progress. Be thankful, at least they are not turning it into a Starbucks' or a church.....

A Black Bear was euthanized after raiding cabins for food in the Mammoth Lakes area. Why the fuck did they have to kill it? Sedate the fucker and drop it off somewhere in the vast wilderness of the Sierra Nevada. It is a fuckin' bear. It will either survive by the law of nature or it will die by the law of nature. You didn't have to kill it you fucks!

I also had to laugh at a commercial for Anna's Linens..... "These luxurious bath towels cost up to $30 in a department store. At Anna's Linens they are only $5.99. How do they do it? Well, first of all they find some fucking sweatshop in Malaysia that employs 9 year olds to make the towels for 1 cent each........

Lastly, some fuckin pedo is suing the Santa Monica Police Department for publicizing his picture in a poster warning parents to keep their kids away from him. This after he voluntarily surrendered himself to a police mug shot so that he could easily be eliminated in any investigation involving sexual acts against minors. His website, on which he rates certain venues such as the Orange County Fair for fellow pedo's was recently taken down, is about to be relaunched this time hosted by a Dutch ISP, allegedly does not break any laws.

Like I said, fucking depressing. Where is my big titted weather girl?

* Like I can talk. Thank fuck there isn't a Dairy Queen in driving distance of my house.