Tales of nonsense and items of little interest, sometimes true, always poorly thought through. Less sophisticated than most newspapers and magazines.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Just Call In Sick

An Encino Nanny came clean this week and admitted that her claims that some bloke was frequenting a local park and offering nannies money to buy the babies they were caring for, were false. She had lied about it because she didn't want to take the baby for a walk. I suspected that this was the case all along. She went to extraordinary lengths to avoid physical excercise, the lazy cow.

It did seem far fetched. It was after all an odd tactic. You don't often hear of this kind of behaviour, human trafficking being frowned upon more than actual kidnap these days. You can understand (almost) some nutjob going to a park and stealing a baby cause thats what they do, but actually going to a park and offering to buy a baby is just daft. The risk is too high, the chances of asking someone who not only does not want to sell their baby but would also be tempted to alert the authorities are rather high. Plus, even if you find someone willing to sell, the asking price would almost certainly be prohibitive. Why lay out a small fortune when you can just steal one? And, speaking of risk, if the kid turns out to be a fuckin idiot you may as well have just flushed your money down the bog. Steal a mong, on the other hand, and you can just put it back where you found it without being out of pocket except for maybe a few quid spent on food and nappies.

Certain sections of society get quite upset when the topic of trade in humans comes up. As you can imagine, the LAPD were anxious to speak with this man, especially after a 2nd report was made a day later that the man had returned to the same park (even more unlikely) and approached a different Nanny. The reality of it all is quite disappointing for me. I was very interested in the real facts of the case. The ones that the cops did not release. Like, how much did she claim this man offered for the baby? What would be a fair price on the open market for a baby? Would the gender, colour, size make a difference?

I once had to counsel an employee who had been offered a baby for sale at the Social Security Office in Van Nuys. Not being a particularly bright lad, he had taken the womans phone number and told her that he had a sister who might be interested, having tried for several years to conceive without success. I listened with amazement as he told me about this and how he had arranged for his sister to come into town and meet the woman and the baby. He seemed quite sure that he was doing a service to the community by taking this kid of the womans hands and putting it into the hands of his barren sister. This is the same guy who without question, gave a vial of his blood to a nurse at a clinic because she told him she needed it for a "school project". Like I said, not too bright....

My advice to the nanny? All you had to do was pretend you had the shits or a bad knee or something? Fuck, couldn't you have just used the old "time of the month" routine? Womens problems? You could have said that little Irving had a temperature and you didn't want to risk it. If you are going to lie, make it fuckin believable.....

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Spring Break - YAY!!!

I paid 50 fuckin' dollars for a parking pass for college for the semester. Every fuckin' week I get there at least 45 minutes before class. Every fuckin' week I end up parking illegally because the fuckers sold twice the number of parking passes that they have parking spaces. Last night I left extra early to see if I could get a real space, thus avoiding the possibility of a ticket.
I exited the freeway, race down the hill at high speed and screech around the corner to see.... a vast and sparsely populated parking lot......fuck!! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! What a moron.... I had checked my diary just a day or two ago to see when spring break actually was and had made a mental note that it was next week, the week of the 16th. I am still all messed up by the early switch to daylight savings time and am actually operating a full week behind the rest of the country. So it was a wasted trip although not quite as wasted as I was after stopping by Trader Joes on my way home.....It is spring break after all.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Ello John! Got A New Motor?

Perhaps unsurprisingly, no one was willing to meet the reserve price on a 1999 VW Golf that once belonged to Pope Benedict that was being sold on eBay. Reportedly, several bids passed the $204,000 mark, but none met the asking price.

Would you buy a used car from this man?

The metallic gray, pimped out VeeDub was being auctioned off by an online casino company which bought the ride from a German bloke in 2005. Apparently they posted Kraut registration docs that proved the car was previously owned by Josef Kardinel Ratzinger, or Joey Rats as he is known in Vatican circles.

Rollin' on 22's, pumpin new shit by NWA, sippin' on gin n juice.

The reason the car didn't sell? Who gives a fuck! All I know is that if it was his predecessors Austin Maxi that was up for auction it would raise millions. Can you imagine the credibility you would have pulling up to the Catholic Womens League jumble sale in that? A real gash magnet for sure. You would have your pick of the Ladies Crown Green Bowling team. They would be lining up to ride in a car once owned by a real, genuine almost-a- saint. Imagine the thrill of turning the dashboard jesus to the windscreen and getting a hummer in JP the II's backseat.

You would get your money back in no time at all. Once you inform the papers of the image of Jesus in the grain of the walnut dashboard you could name your price for "miracle rides" exploiting the weak and terminally ill. The elderly and infirm? A trip to ASDA should do the trick, that way you could have them carry your shopping for you as well.

To their credit, the casino company said that they were going to give 40% of the proceeds to (an unamed) charity.