Tales of nonsense and items of little interest, sometimes true, always poorly thought through. Less sophisticated than most newspapers and magazines.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Hot, Hot, Heat

Fuck, it's warm. Toasty. Ball sweatingly, arse drippingly, uncomfortably warm. I would go as far to say that it's rather hot at the moment here in Southern Californ-i-a.
Normally, coming from the dark and nasty regions of England, I am appreciative of a nice bit of sunshine but, as always at this time of year, I pine for a nice bit of sleet or the finger numbing cold of an English January morning. It hasn't rained proper for a couple of months and won't for a couple more, maybe longer. It is dry. I have developed quite a thirst.

The worst thing about this time of year is that my intake of cold alcoholic beverages exceeds normal levels. Given that my normal intake of cold alcoholic beverages is rather high, this is a bad thing. Money-wise, it gets expensive. Normally, I will pay the extra couple of dollars for decent, imported beer. I don't poison my body with the crap they turn out here except under either extreme financial hardship or if I have (American) guests coming round because there is no good reason as to why I should waste good beer on them and they wouldn't like it anyway as it tastes too much like beer. So every now and again, I will put on dark sunglasses and a false "Groucho Marx" style mustache (in case anyone I know see's me) and I will buy "domestic".

Yank beer, on the whole is fuckin' cat piss. Yes, I know all about Sierra Nevada, Sam Adams and Bog knows how many "micro-brews" and they are okay. I'm talkin' about yer Bud's and yer MGD's and yer Coor's. The shite that generations of Yanks have grown up on and who will drink nothing else. I know lads that will only drink Bud Light period. I know lads who will only drink Coors Light, if you put a Bud Light in front of them they will not touch it. Don't even get me started on the Steel Reserves, and the Old Englishes and the Schlitz malt liquors. Yes, they get you cunted but they taste fuckin' horrid. They make the "auld purple tin", to quote Irvine Welsh, taste like Dom Perignon. It is inexplicable. As for MGD, my own piss tastes better and probably has a higher alcohol content to boot.

Anyway, two days ago I bought a 5 liter "Keg" of Coors Light. Years ago, party kegs were popular in the UK. Finally, the US has decided that they are the thing of the future. I wanted to try one to test the quality, and I was trying to be economical, so I bought handed Abdul $8.99 of hard earned and rushed home to "tap" the fucker.

The Holy Grail of the Dumpster Diving Community

I have to say that it was beyond bad. I drank 5 fuckin' pints and probably pissed 15 times, all I got was a headache. I tried to finish the rest last night but couldn't and when I got home from work tonight, the last couple of pints were flat as fuckin' pancakes. I'm sorry I wasted my money on this shite. The only thing that made it even worthwhile was the look of amazement on my daughters face when she saw it and said "WOW!!! Daddy, that's the biggest can of beer I have ever seen. Are you going to drink it all?" "Well," I replied smugly. "The fucker isn't going to drink itself now, is it?" "I bet you can't" she said. She was fuckin' right.

Kids, eh?

Monday, August 13, 2007

No Sense Of Humour

Knudsen beat me to it, of course, but as there's no sense in going to bed right now (Mrs.W is still awake) I may as well do what I set out to do and give my take on the story of the Irish lad who is currently in a Senegalese jail for showing his arse.

What the fuck is wrong with these people? Do they have no sense of humour?

There was a time, a number of years ago, when I was a prolific mooner. I favoured mooning from coach windows while on the way to or from rugby games, either as a spectator or as a player. I wasn't shy when it came to mooning people on the street either. My specialty was to wait at a bus stop until a bus came to a complete stop and the driver opened the doors, then I would drop my pants and show my arse to the driver and the passengers. It amused the fuck out of me. It was better when you were on the bus though cause you could get your arse up against the window and spread your cheeks against the glass, the warmth causing the window to steam up if it was a cold day.

Of course, now that I am a grown up, responsible husband, father and productive member of society, I have learned to control my impulses and have not shown my arse in public since setting foot on American soil (except for on the internet). Here, it is the kind of thing that frat boys do but only as a dare or as part of some hazing ritual. You just don't see buses driving on the 5 Freeway with a bare arse in every window like you might if you were on the M62. I think that the majority of society would find it offensive as opposed to hilariously entertaining. But it's like that with most things. In addition, my arse is a much hairier and considerably less welcome sight now than it was 20 years ago.

I never did it to offend. I did it to entertain, to amuse, mostly myself admittedly but also others, if they were so inclined. Although I have to confess to a certain feeling of satisfaction whenever a Datsun would pass by, loaded to the gills with people of Pakistani or Indian origin, all turning away and covering the eyes of the younger passengers at the sight of my ringpiece winking at them from the window of a British Leyland bus. Magic.

So what the fuck is wrong with these African lads? You would think that in a continent where, if you believe everything you see in National Geographic, most folks sit around the dirt or chase chickens naked, a bare white arse would be a welcome and refreshing sight. Now granted, he did moon the home of a Senegalese Governor and there may well be some law against that. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it, I'm just saying that it would not surprise me. You would think though that they could have taken it a little more light heartedly. Like I say, the object of mooning is to amuse not offend. Take it in the spirit in which it was offered.

Hopefully, the Irish Department of Foreign Affairs can sort it all out and get the lad out of the hole (geddit?......fuck off then) but I would like to suggest that if and when they do secure his release, the whole fuckin' embassy should drop their kecks in support. Yes, it may cause an International incident and war may well be declared but at least we are safe in the comfort of knowing that the Yanks have our backs. Right America?