Tales of nonsense and items of little interest, sometimes true, always poorly thought through. Less sophisticated than most newspapers and magazines.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Cheapskates Rejoice!

I love Top Tips. The kind that lonely old housewives send in to the newspaper or Readers Digest. Money saving, time tested and downright bizarre ideas to use the unusable or left over household items that would otherwise be chucked out. Viz used to publish some funny fake ones, they probably still do, but there is no substitute for the real thing.
Way back in the 40's or 50's, when money was tight and resources scarce, the Manchester Evening News published a pamphlet comprised of tips sent in by readers, turns out some lad found a copy while scrounging through his mam's sideboard after she died and contacted the MEN. This kind of thing is gold to journos as it fills up a whole page and saves them having to write about something newsworthy.
So, whats good for the goose is good for the.....er....other goose. I'm filling up space with this shite instead of putting some thought into a decent post. I offer for your enjoyment, some of the best, most creative ways you could ever imagine to save a shilling.

Around the Clock - It is a great help to blind people like myself to be told just how their food is placed on the plate.For instance, the meat at six o’clock, potatoes at nine, vegetables at twelve, and so on around the clock. Mrs D. Abel. Levenshulme. So, let me make sure I have this right. You want someone to constantly update you, while you eat, as to what time your food is at on the plate? How do you suggest we handle gravy? Puddle from 3 to 3.30? What if the peas move around or get separated? This is the stupidest idea I have ever heard. How long does it take to figure out where the fuckin food is on a plate? It's because of people like this that blind folks have a reputation for being lazy. They want everything done for them.

Fresh with Coal - To keep a lettuce fresh, place it in cold water with a small, clean lump of coal.The mineral properties in the coal will keep it fresh. Change the water occasionally and it will keep about a week.Coal also revives limp lettuce. M. Neild. Miles Platting Coal? Fuckin coal? Have you ever seen a "clean" lump of coal? "Mum...this lettuce tastes like coal again". How the fuck can "limp" lettuce be revived? Throw the fucker out missus, it's minging.

Keep your Milk Cool in a Pair of Old Socks - Use the sock treatment for keeping milk icy cold during the hot weather. Wet a pair of socks, wool preferably. Put the legs over the bottle of milk, and dangle the toes in a basin of cold water.You will be surprised how this keeps the milk cold even on the warmest day. Mrs Isabel Ward. Levenshulme. Obviously pre-refrigeration but I'm not eating or drinking anything that's been wrapped in old wet socks. Where the fuck did she get this idea from? Bored one afternoon, watching the milk get warm, spots the dog playing with a pair of old socks and "Eureka!"

Onions without Tears - To prevent “tears“ when peeling onions, put a couple of matchsticks in the mouth, holding them between the teeth (with the phosphorus end pointing out.)Miss C. Cruikshank. Timperley. I doubt this works. How can it? Can someone prove me wrong? Did I miss something in science class?

Easy Change - When baby is sitting up in his baby bath, this is the time to introduce him to the bathroom: by placing the baby bath in the large bath.This way when he is too large for his baby bath, the change over from one to the other presents less difficulty.Mrs J. Cook. Denton. Leaving you free to finish up that Mills & Boone novel. Wait, was that splashing and gurgling I just heard......? Probably just our Albert having a shit. Little Gerald is a bit quiet, just finish this page and I'll go and check on him....

Take your Time - That old alarm clock which will no longer tick need not be thrown away; it has many uses yet. For instance, set the hands to the time when you put that cake in the oven, baby’s feeding time, hair appointment friends’ visit: surprising how the list can grow.Mrs A. Bell, Rusholme What???? This is ridiculous. These are precisely the reasons why you would need a WORKING alarm clock. What fucken use is a broken alarm clock? Let's see..... Grandad needs his heart medication at 7 on the dot or he will die, I'll just set the hands to....6.45.....and have a little snooze....there, fuckin sorted.

Rub Away Those Aches and Pains - Here’s my tonic against rheumatism. It does not cure but gives quick relief.2oz olive oil.2oz surgical spirit.Mix well together and rub for 15 minutes morning and night.It has been tried several times and given relief. One person could hardly hobble about. She used it and got relief.Now she is never without it.Miss Jones. Didsbury.Yeah, rub it in baby, rub it in good......oooh, aarrgh that fuckin smarts, gerrit off, gerrit off me, wash the fucker off it's burning like a cunt!

Wart Killer - To clear warts, boil some potatoes and, with the water in which they are boiled bathe the warts.At the end of a week, they will have nearly, if not quite, gone.This remedy I have proved successful when all others had failed.Mrs G W. Salford. Nearly if not quite gone? Then how can you claim it to be successful, Mum? It didn't get rid of the warts did it Mum? It only nearly, if not quite got rid of them didn't it Mum and that's no fucken use is it Mum? I don't want any warts, if they are only nearly gone then they are still fucken there aren't they Mum? Sandra will never let me get my tops and fingers at this rate....

Cure For Burns - Here is my tip for dealing with quite common burns from cooking or ironing.Dissolve a handful of cooking salt in a pint of boiling water. Allow the mixture to go cold, then bottle and leave the bottle on a shelf near the stove.Any burns can then be dealt with by pouring the solution into a bowl and keeping the finger or hand or foot immersed for 5 to 10 minutes.Result: no pain or blistering from quite severe burns.K Ridyard. Didsbury. Yeah, that's right, no pain or blistering from the quite severe burns but plunging red raw flesh into salt water will make yer arsehole wink. Who the fuck burns their foot cooking or ironing anyway? Sadistic bitch.

A Lesson Learned

Today I learned a simple yet valuable lesson. Soy milk tastes like shit. I will not be buying it again, instead I will put the money saved into the swear jar to pay for the foul language I used after swallowing a mouthful of this filth.

In an effort to eat and be healthy, I decided to give Soy milk a try. Less calories than regular milk, less carbs, lactose and fat free. Unfortunately the absence or extraction of these things leave little to be enjoyed, unless you like goat felching and do it for the taste rather than sexual gratification.

I was beginning to suspect that milk was one of the root causes of my farting problem as I haven’t been drinking much of it lately and have noticed a marked decrease in gas. Here I must point out that by ‘problem’ I mean it is a problem for Mrs. Waring, not for me. I enjoy farting, it amuses me no end and I believe it to be good for bonding both at home and in social settings. It breaks the ice at parties and puts an end to uncomfortable silences at the dinner table when there is little to be said. Unlike most jokes, a fart is understood by all. It is universal and anybody who is offended by them has no sense of humour.

So I bought some Soy milk last night at the store and was actually looking forward to a nice cold glass. I expected it to taste much like Horchata, the Mexican milky rice drink but I was wide of the mark. It doesn’t taste anything like Horchata, in fact it doesn’t taste like anything I have ever tasted before. It doesn’t taste like tofu, which is soy protein, right? It doesn’t taste like Garden Burgers which are made from soy. It doesn’t taste like Soy Sauce either. It’s probably better that it doesn’t taste like any of those things cause that would be just as bad as it is now, if not worse. Can you imagine pouring nice cold liquid Garden Burger on your Weetabix? Or a lovely warm glass of tofu before bed? It would not be very pleasant at all. No, not at all.

So who drinks and actually enjoys this stuff? Trader Joe’s have a whole section devoted to it, they sell it in a variety of flavours. I’m sure that nobody buys it for the taste. They are either vegan or they are lactose intolerant. In the first case they made their own bed, in the latter they should give up, accept the farting and laugh along with the rest of us.

These folks make their own Soy Milk. Look how happy they are!

Wild Women! Gorillas! Unbelievable!

Grrrrr!! Titty!! Grrrrr!!
I've never seen 'Ingagi' but I like the poster so I'm going to recommend it based on that and the premise of gorillas kidnapping and shagging bald, big titted tribeswomen. It all makes for a rather splendid time.
I'm not so sure that it would be "The most sensational picture ever filmed!", but having never seen it, I can't disprove it and am willing to let my imagination believe that it is so.
The book I stole it from sez that the film was made in 1930 and was shot in Los Angeles Zoo and combined with old expedition footage and that many people actually believed that the story about a gorilla having sex with indigenous women. The film also featured unknown jungle creatures, which upon investigation, turned out to be turtles with fake wings and tails stuck on them. The 'pygmies' in the film were local LA children. This sounds fucken ace.
The film's producers were sued for stealing documentary footage from a 1914 film, 'Heart of Africa', but the movie went on to be successful for many years.
I'm off to Netflix to see if they have it......
I suppose I should credit the book it came from, "Exploitation Poster Art" Edited by Tony Nourmand and Graham Marsh. Aurum Press. It's a British book. Loads of great movie posters in it.

Friday, February 23, 2007

I Forgot To Mention

Welcome back Fresh Hell. Hope you had a nice vacation.

Spotlight on Porn

Legs Akimbo!! You Know You Want it.
Aaaahhh! Porn. Sweet, sweet porn. I like it. Hopefully you all like it. Some people don't, mostly because they are boring old Ned Flanders style conservatives, but sometimes because they are victims of it, in one way or another. Today's post focuses on some of these victims, let me share their stories with you.......

First, we travel to the (hard to type) town of Oconomowoc, Wisconsin where a 39 year old man, James Van Iveren, is being charged with criminal trespass, criminal damage and disordely conduct, all while brandishing a dangerous weapon. This unfortunate individual is looking at a possible 33 month jail sentence.
Our hero claims that he broke into his neighbours apartment with a cavalry sword because he thought he heard a woman being raped. Turns out it was just his upstairs neighbour watching a porno with the sound turned up a tad too much. The neighbour told the cops that the man kicked open his door without warning and forced him at sword point to go through the apartment opening every door to prove he was alone.
Van Iveren said that he had intended to hold the sword behind his back and knock but caught caught up in the moment and kicked the door in instead. He also said that he did not threaten the neighbour, instead claiming that he "...had the sword extended. But that was all."
Van Iveren, who lived in a downsatirs apartment with his mother said he did not call the cops because he had no phone and barely new the upstairs neighbour.
Police confiscated the sword which Van Iveren claimed was a family heirloom.

Next we go to Iowa City, Iowa. Here a 61 year old cyclist lost his right leg after being hit by a 'Girls Gone Wild' bus last July. Needless to say he is suing the makers of 'Girls Gone Wild', Mantra Films Inc , the bus driver and the bus company for injuries, medical expenses, lost income, physical and mental pain and suffering, and loss of full body. He now needs a wheelchair to get around. The amount he is seeking is not disclosed but he may want to include a lifetime subscription to GGW as it's probably going to be a while before he gets any action. That said, a few million in damages will buy you some pretty imaginative hookers and a good deal of blow.

Our last victim, or victims to be precise are the congregation of the Cathedral Basilica of St.Francis in Santa Fe, NM. Worshippers at the Ash Wednesday services were interrupted by three CD players that had been duct taped to the underside of the pews and set to start playing pornographic messages at 12.30pm in a deliberate attempt to sabotage the mass.
In a deliberate attempt to remove any humour from the story, Santa Fe Police Captain Gary "Party Pooper" Johnson, refused to divulge the content of the messages, instead leaving it to our imagination.

So there you have it. It's understandable why these people may curse the evil of pornography and indeed avoid it like the plague. But I, for one will not be joining them.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Tasty Little Treats

I just got back from the World Confectionary Convention (W-CONCON) which was held at the Douglas Lido Rooms on the Isle of Man. What a fuckin' awesome event that is. It gets better and better every year. It's been growing pretty rapidly for the last few years and if it keeps going at this rate we may have to get an extra table.

Anyway, lot's of exciting new developments in the confectionary world to tell you all about but instead I want to give you a sneak peek at the latest in Gummi candies. Gummi Baby Feet. These cola flavoured treats are all the rage in Germany, home of Gummi technology and the makers, Haribo, despite completely unproven allegations that they used forced labour during World War II to make Gummi Sausages, have managed to become the pre-eminent makers of Gummi candy in the World.

Mum...Can I have some Baby Feet?

Aren’t they just adorable? They look just like real baby feet! These are the first in a new line of Gummi candy being manufactured by Haribo this year. Other varieties include Gummi Ring Worms, Gummi Hemorrhoids, Gummi Puppy Noses and Gummi Cat Nipples.

If like me, you are desperate for avoid talking to your family for an hour or two visit the Haribo website. I recommend Fruit Salad Island and the Haribo Museum. Delight at the annoying "Mmmmm" sound every 10 fuckin seconds.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

More KY Granny?

Today's tale of deviancy comes from Oregon, where an 82 year old woman is about to be jailed for 3 years for having sex with an 11 year old boy who was in her foster care. You can read the details here if you care to.

I'm not sure about all this. Who is to blame? According to the report, the old woman stated that boy seemed much more mature, more like 15 or 16 (what led her to believe this she didn't say.)She stated that she was lonely due to her aging husbands deteriorating health and that the pair slept in separate rooms. She said that she and the boy would stay up late watching TV in her sewing room and that hugs led to kisses and eventually sex when the boy crawled into her bed. Her admission and guilty plea has spared the boy, now 14, from having to testify in court. The boy told a counsellor about the encounters after he left the home.

So. Is she a pedo? The details are sketchy, we don't have the boys side of things and you have to ask the question, did he willingly take part in it? I don't know any 11 year old boys or any 82 year old women for that matter so I am going to suppose that there are many more sexually active 11 year old boys than there are 82 year old women. I'm also going to suppose that out of two lonely people, watching the 10 o'clock news on the telly in the sewing room, the 11 year old boy is the one most likely to be thinking about shagging. I'm going to go even further by suggesting that if that 11 year old boy crawled into an 82 year old's bed, he was looking to get his leg over and that the 82 year old woman, having not even seen a hard on for 20 years may have been more than a little tempted to have one last hurrah.

I'm not trying to convince anyone that all this is acceptable, I'm just pulling the scab off to see what lies beneath. It's what I do.

We will probably never know how things progressed that first evening. We can guess though.....

Granny and Sonny sit snuggling on the sewing room loveseat, watching the late night news.
Granny: I really enjoy you being here Sonny. Things get awful lonely, what with Pops being so sick and confined to bed and all.
Sonny: Er...yeah. I like it here, I've never really had a family or a TV. I really like sitting here with you, you are so warm and snuggly, it makes me feel.....kinda funny.
Granny: It's just natural Sonny, this is what families do when they love one another.
Granny strokes Sonny's head, gently kisses him on the forehead and tussles his hair.
Sonny: You are so nice to me. I love you.
Granny: I love you too Sonny, you're a good boy. I can't imagine why anyone would abandon a handsome, strong, wonderful young man like you. You know you remind me of Pops when we got married, we were so in love, I would have done anything for him.
Sonny: Did you and Pops ever........?
Granny: Ever what Sonny?
Sonny: Nothing, never mind. Er....I'm getting tired. I think I will go to bed. Night.......mom.
Sonny gets up and leaves, holding a cushion to hide his erection. Granny happily turns off the TV and goes to bed herself.
An hour later, Granny is woken by a knock at her door.
Granny: Come in.
Sonny enters sobbing gently
Granny: Sonny dear, what is the matter?
Sonny: I.....er.....had a bad dream.
Granny: Oh you poor thing. Come here, everything is okay now. It was just a dream.
Sonny goes over and sits on the bed next to Granny
Sonny: It was terrible. I dreamt that you and Pops didn't want me anymore.
Granny: Oh now that's just silly. Go on with you, back to bed.
Sonny: I....don't think I can sleep now. Not on my own.
Granny: Well.....I suppose.....come on then, in you get. Granny will make it all better.
Sonny gets sheepishly into bed. Granny hugs him and kisses him on the cheek.
Granny: There there. Is that better?
Sonny: ......a bit.
Sonny moves closer
Sonny: Something funny's happening, I'm scared.
Granny: Whatever do you mean? Don't be scared, you can tell me anything. Pop's didn't ask you for another sponge bath did he?
Sonny: No. I mean something feels weird....with my pee pee. Can you look at it?Granny: Oh! Well, I suppose so. I mean.....that's not what I......er, okay then.
Sonny pulls down the bedsheets
Sonny: See.
Granny: Oh Jesus lover of my soul. That's quite a......Oh my! I've never seen such a ..... and only 11.....Lord forgive me.......I......
Sonny: Is there something wrong?
Granny: No, it's perfect....I mean, no, no, no not at all.
Sonny: Is Jesus mad at me?
Granny: I don't know, but he's gonna be fuckin furious with me......

This old lady will be the oldest female prisoner in Oregon, when (if) she gets out she will have to register as a sex offender. The prosecutor said that she "hopes (she) never reoffends". Little chance of that I think.

The story does not mention if conjugal visits are allowed. I guess I will have to call the prison to ask.