Tales of nonsense and items of little interest, sometimes true, always poorly thought through. Less sophisticated than most newspapers and magazines.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Blogging Gold!!

Finally.....The news story of my dreams hit the headlines today when an Orangutan escaped from its cage and went on the rampage at a Taiwanese zoo. The beast pushed open its cage door and then got into a nearby restaurant where it terrified diners by overturning tables and motorbikes. Why the fuck there were motorbikes in a restaurant at the zoo I can not imagine, but story said there were so there must have been. I hope to fuck that someone there had a video camera and will be watching the news like a hawk tonight.

Zookeepers finally managed to subdue the monster with a tranquilizer gun and then scooped it up with a small bulldozer and put it back in its cage. Luckily this happened in Taiwan, a place where it is easy to make the distinction between an Orangutan and the general population. Had this happened here in LA or, I dunno, Glasgow for example, the task would probably have been more complicated and would possibly have resulted in a number of cases of mistaken identity before the real Orangutan was caught.

Things are not going well for this particular zoo of late. It was at the same zoo that six months ago, a 440 lb crocodile bit the forearm off a vet. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Luckily for the vet they managed to re-attach it with a a marathon seven hour surgery.

Obviously, this is a sign. The animals are mad and are starting to revolt. I'm not a huge fan of zoo's but understand the role they play in conservation and that in order to stay in the conservation business, they need to open their doors to a public that is all too willing to pay good money to go and watch elephants take a shit or monkeys playing with their dicks (I am of course, speaking for myself here.) But it is only a matter of time before something terrible happens.

It is to be expected in a place like Taiwan, don't ask me why or to back any of this up with facts because I won't (can't) but here in civilized countries where we take so much for granted, it is probably safe to say that not unlike national security pre 9/11, we have become complacent with regards to zoo animals and the potential for an attack. Before we know it, San Diego zoo could be a bloodbath.

I want to blame Steve Irwin. For all I know since his death there may well have been a rise in the number of zoo escapes, I haven't researched it but I wouldn't be surprised to find that it is true.

Better Dressed Than Some Humans
An Orangutan Readies Itself For Escape

Monday, May 21, 2007

Light Up The Sky With SubStandard Fireworks.....

Yes, its that time of year again. The countdown has begun. There is only 44 days until July 4th and in this particular neighbourhood, the festivities have already started. Many of the people around these parts have begun to celebrate their patriotism by driving down to Tijuana and coming home with large supplies of extremely loud (and illegal) fireworks. Once home, these weak willed individuals, dizzy with excitement and filled with almost retard like fascination can hardly wait until the 4th to light the blue touch paper, so many of them don't wait at all. A couple of Tecate's and they are out into the street to celebrate. Often times, it isn't even dark. What's the fuckin point?

Every year it's the same thing 8 weeks in summer and 8 weeks at Christmas, these fuckin idiots spend a small fortune on M-80's and huge fuck off rockets that make window rattling bangs. I don't get it. What is the fuckin attraction of an extremely loud bang to a grown man?

That's right. I said "grown man", 'cause these are not kids doing this. A couple of years ago, there was almost an unpleasant (for him not me) incident with the slap headed fucker who lives across the street. I remember the incident well, apparently he does too because he has avoided eye contact with me ever since. The time was approximately 2am. Tired of his nightly pyrotechnic obsession, I decided to approach him with a polite request to fuck off. The conversation went something like this:

EW: Excuse me mate. You do know what time it is right?
Slap Head: What?
EW: It's 2 in the morning mate.
SH: So?
EW: So I'm asking you to stop setting those fuckin fireworks off. Yer waking my kid up.
SH: It's the 4th of July. What's the matter? Aren't you American?
EW: It's not the 4th of July, it's the 28th of June you stupid cunt. 4th of July is next week and just to clarify, no I'm not American. Is that a problem for you?
SH: Well....I won't be here next week, so I'm celebrating now. What are you anyway, a fuckin Aussie or something?
EW: Listen twat. I'm not Australian I'm fuckin English and if you don't stop setting those fuckers off I will shove one up yer arse and light the fucker.
SH: (hestitates)I've only got one left anyway.
EW: Well save it for tomorrow or it will be the last one you ever have. And I'd better not see you setting any off on the 4th either pal 'cause you just told me you wouldn't be here so if I see so much as a fuckin sparkler in your hand you are well fucked. Do you understand?
SH: You can't threaten me asshole.
EW: Not fuckin threatening you, I'm promising you.....

I could be wrong, but ever since then he has behaved himself. Unfortunately, word does not seem to have reached the rest of the zip code. It's not just here. My mum tells me that back in the worlds greatest country, the same problem exists for the few weeks preceding bommie neet.
It never used to be that way. Yeah, kids would tie bangers to a cats tail or throw one in the hood of some poor spastics parka, push one through the letterbox of the old lad that reeks of piss, and cruel pranks they may be but they were not disturbing my sleep at the time so it didn't really bother me.

Why is it that people are so fuckin obsessed with fireworks. Is the telly really that shite? I know that most of these people are sad twats who don't have wives or girlfriends on which to take out their frustrations, but that is why there is Ultimate Fighting and NASCAR. What is so appealing about shattering everybody else's peace and quiet?