Tales of nonsense and items of little interest, sometimes true, always poorly thought through. Less sophisticated than most newspapers and magazines.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

An Undignified End

I don't think about dying much. Not that it scares me or that I am in denial about it. We all go sometime. I just prefer not to dwell on it and generally accept that sooner or later we all have to go.

There are, however, certain scenarios which I would, if at all possible like to avoid. I don't want to burn, I don't want to drown and when it happens I would like it to happen quickly. It would be nice if it were at home or better still at work, that way Mrs. Waring and the child would be set for some compensation money.

One poor lad, in Leigh, Lancashire was not so lucky last week. He wasn't in the comfort of his own home, he didn't have his loved ones (if any existed) around him to say their final goodbyes. His death wasn't even noticed until the next morning. Nobody is sure how he died, although the filth have ruled out foul play, instead opting for the standard "could be drugs related" statement.

Hey, when you have to go, you have to go.

There are few places more terrible, more offensive or that assault the senses more than your average bookies bog. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, watch Trainspotting. Yet this is where he was found by staff when they opened up the store one morning. Police are suggesting that maybe he went in there the night before and staff locked up and went home without realizing he was there. Management of the BetFred store were not available for comment.

If I should meet the same fate, at least let there be bog roll....

Friday, March 23, 2007

Random Shite

This week has gone pretty fuckin' quickly for me my friends. In fact, I don't know where it has gone to. Last time I checked it was Monday. Only 3 posts, including this one from me this week. A tie for my lowest output since I started blogging. I'm gonna beat Knudsen to the punch by saying that all 3 were shite an' all.

Be patient with me people. I am adjusting to a new schedule and will get back to regular blogging ways shortly. I have been busy preparing some data on US science and technology statistics for Ronco. The audio book will be available on iTunes just in time for Easter. To whet your appetites, here is a snippet of what I have been up to.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Kentucky is ranked 47th among US States in its per capita number of working scientists and engineers. It fares even worse, 49th, in the number of science and engineering degrees conferred by its universities. This suggests that things are not going to get much better anytime soon.

Interviewed by The Kentucky Post, Fort Thomas Schools Superintendent Larry Stinson didn’t really do much for his State’s image when he stated the fuckin’ obvious by saying “I think the issue here is, we’re getting to be so much more of a technology society, and that’s what makes math and science more important.” Really Larry? How very fuckin’ insightful of you!. The genius went on to say that “math hasn’t changed much, but science has….So many other work areas, the hands-on labor of manufacturing have shifted more to technology.” The residents of Fort Thomas may want to read the ballot more carefully next election day.

I think I have the answer to Kentucky’s poor showing in the fields of science and engineering. Legalize crystal meth and moonshine.

Under my plan, mobile meth labs could be bought from licensed dealers

There has to be literally thousands of experts in the construction and engineering of stills and meth labs living in that state. Add to that the number of “scientists” involved in the production of crank and trampagne and Kentucky should rocket up the charts.

Universities could offer degree courses in cooking up whizz and the distillation of hillbilly pop. This would no doubt elevate the State’s standing.

The State also ranks 45th in the number of patents issued. Imagine the potential if patents could be issued for brand names such as Ol’ Elmers’ Ruckus Juice, Pop Watkins’ Alley Bourbon, or Skeeter’s Red Label Catdaddy. Not to mention the jobs that could be created in the manufacture of machinery like Doc Chickenchasers Patented Steam Powered Friday Night Liquor Still.

"The Masher" can produce 3 jugs of Polish Joe's Bile Stimulating Tonic a day.

It was the entrepreneurial spirit of one Colonel Sanders who decided to use not just 6, but 7 herbs and spices in his fried chicken recipe that put Kentucky on the map. It’s up to the State legislature to legalize dangerous drugs and alcohol in order to keep it there.

Pulling The Trigger - A Mini Rant

One of my least favourite responsibilities at work is firing people. I can do it and I do it well but I rarely feel great about it.
Even with people who deserve to be fired, for whatever reason, I have moments where I feel sorry, not so much for them but for their wives and kids. Putting these feelings to the back of my mind and focusing on the task at hand is the hard part, unless they are being a prick about it, then things get a bit easier. Not surprisingly, many people do not respond well to being fired. Faced with losing their job, most people go through a remarkable metamorphosis. A guy you have worked with for years, joked with, laughed with, drank beers with, changes from the friendly, easy going person you have always known into an angry finger pointing dickhead when you tell him to get his coat on.

The reason for this change? A lack of personal responsibility. Many people suffer from it. They blame everyone and everything for their stupidity or poor choices. It bugs the shit out of me. I have little respect for a man who cannot find it within himself to say "I'm sorry," or “I fucked up.”
Granted it is hard for most people to admit they are wrong or that they made a mistake. This I understand. I also understand that when put in a tight spot, many people will do whatever they have to do to get out of it, including lying and blaming other people and/or external conditions for their mistakes.
We all have choices in our behaviour. Like, ‘should I steal this stuff that doesn’t belong to me or not?’ Failure to think situations like this through can be costly. Many people fail to take this important fact into consideration when faced with a dilemma such as ‘should I embezzle thousands of dollars from my employer?’ The question "What might happen if I am found out?" doesn't often feature in the thought process. They do naughty things because they firmly believe they will never get caught so the thinking ends there.

It’s much easier to avoid being truthful to ourselves than it is to recognize our mistakes, correct our behaviour and move on. It’s easy to blame someone or something other than ourselves for what happens to us. That is why I admire and respect those that do take responsibility for their actions and accept the consequences. Again, it is a choice. If you choose to take this approach I might not fire you, I might put you on a final written warning instead, at which point you get to make another choice ‘should I do it again or should I learn from my mistake?’

This doesn’t mean that a murderer is okay just because he admits he was wrong or smiles and says thank you as a judge sentences him to death, but at least he has the balls to take what is coming to him rather than blaming his crime on a movie or a video game or voices in his head. I'm gonna stay away from all that because we get into the territory of genuine nutcases and crazies. I'm talking about everyday people who fuck up but will never take the blame.

It's almost funny, sittting across a desk from one of these childish half men as he twists and turns and lies and digs himself into a deeper hole than he ever was in the first place. Climbing deeper and deeper into a pit of desperation and torment until he finally gives in and signs the document, usually to appeal his termination to the next level of management, when he will invent new lies, this time about me and how I used racial slurs or foul language and harrassed and intimidated him.
The fuckin' shit. Yeah, I would have liked to have yelled at him, called him a stupid muthafucker and beat him about the head for lying to me and for ruining my fuckin day. But I never would, because like I said, life is full of choices and that would be a poor one.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Legal Question

Change in urination
Loss of appetite

With the exception of loss of appetite, I have been suffering from all of the above at various times over the past several days. It can mean only one thing, acute renal failure.

Let's just suppose that if I had eaten some tainted pet food, and I'm not saying that I did, but let's just suppose that if I had become senselessly drunk and woken up next to three empty cans of Meaty Mega Chunks Rabbit Heart Flavour Dog Food, would I have a case?

There certainly isn't any kind of warning on the can advising me NOT to eat it, in fact the description on the label of "savoury, mouthwatering, tender cuts of meat in a thick luxurious gravy" is almost an invitation to eat it. And you know how it is when you have had a drink or a joint, not that I'm advocating drinking and smoking of weed, not at the same time anyway, that wouldn't be right, not on a Sunday.

I'm not looking for millions of dollars here, although if it's on offer I wouldn't say no. But surely some kind of compensation is in order. The sofa is ruined and so are some items of Mrs. Warings undergarments which I was definately not wearing at the time. The fuckin' dog isn't going to bathe itself either.....

Where the fuck is Johnnie Cochran when you need him?