Tales of nonsense and items of little interest, sometimes true, always poorly thought through. Less sophisticated than most newspapers and magazines.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Recognition at Last!

According to my shite meter, I am now the number one search result on Google for the query "zoo spunk 3 day membership". I can't wait to tell Mrs.Waring who, although generally supportive of my online time wasting, seems somewhat sceptical of how successful I might become. I think that I can say with some degree of certainty that I am cookin' on gas and it's only a matter of time now before the offers start to come in.

Needless to say, the searcher was German and didn't stay long once he/she realized that I didn't have whatever it was they were looking for. Hopefully this pic will save any future desperados a wasted visit.

Better late than never.... A chimp has a sly one of the wrist.

I've never really understood the attraction of fucking with animals. It just seems like too much work catching them and getting the fuckers to keep still and/or quiet. There's also the element of danger to consider, and maybe that's why people do it. Every now and again, some work colleague or other will come running into my office thrusting their cell phone into my face yelling "Ya gotta see dis man!" Lo and behold 9 times out of 10* it's grainy footage of some toothless, bony skank blowing a horse. Being a man of science, I have to watch as this kind of behaviour interests me. Is she really enjoying it? She looks like she is but the cynic in me says that is because she is either a) off her tits on crack or b) being paid, thus enabling her to go and get off her tits on crack just as soon as Mr. Ed blows his load. And what of the horse? The horse is at fuckin' Disneyland. Horse's don't get blowjobs from other horses (I challenge anybody to prove me wrong on this) and so you have to think that although he maybe isn't quite sure what's going on and didn't neccessarily consent to it either, he is after all getting a hummer which really isn't too unpleasant in anybody's book.

I do wonder though how many of these things go horribly wrong, resulting in a visit to the hospital with a hastily, not too well thought out explanation of what exactly you were doing, naked, in a field with a donkey that caused it to kick you so hard it shattered your pelvis. Another thing I'm not clear on is do people have eyes only for certain animals or will anything on four legs do in a pinch? I mean the whole subject of bestiality is fairly taboo in most circles but is there a subculture of people who only like to shag rare and endangered or particularly dangerous animals? And are these people looked upon by the "normal" dog and sheep fucking crowd as weird?

See, this is what happens. Some emaciated German type enters "zoo spunk 3 day membership" into Google and I am left with all these questions in my head. I must have answers.

* The other 1 time out of 10 is usually a gif loop of Bart Simpson banging Lisa. Hi-fucking-larious I must say.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Remembering Uncle Charlie

Uncle Charlie was a good old lad. He liked a drink or two and would often get pissed then go and expose himself outside the bingo hall. Now and again, if some careless employee left the fire escape open, he would get inside and streak across the stage when the compere called out "2 fat ladies, 88". He was misunderstood by many, he wasn't trying to scare anyone, he was just lonely. Auntie Edna had run off with the coal man in '68 and he had never been the same since. He could be found most Sunday mornings in the park, chucking lumps of coal at the ducks. It was his way of coping with the loss and the loneliness and to get rid of all the bags of extra coal Aunty Edna had got (for free) from the coal man. Charlie had installed a gas fire after she left.

Despite all the trauma, he never let it get in the way of his true passion. Uncle Charlie was, for most of the 60's and the early 70's, more well known in Northern England than Jimmy Clitheroe. Wherever Uncle Charlie went he was recognised, parents would shake their kids and point him out. People wanted their picture taken with him, they wanted him to sign autographs and they said things like "Hey! You're him aren't you? That bloke. I saw you on the telly", and "The missus'll never believe me, your biggest fan she is".

Uncle Charlie didn't like all the attention, so he didn't go out much, except to expose himself at the bingo and to chuck coal at ducks. The fame was difficult for him, but even the fame, and the loneliness and the occasional incontinence didn't stop him doing what he loved. Uncle Charlie was a champion log roller, the champion log roller, the peoples champion and he had been for 8 consecutive years. He travelled the North to compete in log rolling competitions and would even venture into Yorkshire every now and again, despite his fear of Dewsbury. He had a mantlepiece full of trophy's and pictures of his triumphs. Pictures of him and The Beatles, pictures of him and Bobby Moore, Nobby Stiles and Alec Guiness. He had an album of newspaper clippings filled with reports of his successes and heroics.

He once rolled a log the length of the Leeds & Liverpool Canal, successfully navigating through the many locks and tunnels, skillfully avoiding shopping carts and the bloated bodies of dead cats & dogs floating in the water. Crowds turned out in their thousands to cheer him on from town to town. He would perform back flips and gymnastics along the way, doing handstands and juggling the live ferrets which he kept in his pants by wearing bicycle clips at the bottom. When he finally reached Liverpool, he was greeted by The Queen and Prince Phillip who awarded him 16 shillings and a new set of dentures. He kept the 16 shillings but sent the dentures back with a strongly worded letter complaining about sharp increases in the price of epsom salts.

Uncle Charlie was a one of a kind and died doing what he loved. He was determined to be the first man to roll a log from Dover to Calais and had tried several times before giving up due to high seas. On the day he died, May 10th 1978, the weather was perfect and the seas calm but Charlie had made some miscalculations when determining the best log for the job. His usual log, "Bessie" was deemed not to be up to the arduous journey and he had spent several weeks in Scotland searching for the perfect log. He thought he had found one and named it "Joan" after a woman who worked in the local pie shop. The log, however had serious flaws in the bark and split in half just 2 miles from the French coast. Charlie, whose faith in his ability was so unshakeable that had never learned to swim and refused to use wear a life jacket, drowned. A legend was lost.

To this day, "Bessie" is on display at the National Log Rolling Museum in Skipton, perfectly preserved inside a glass display case and the spirit of Uncle Charlie lives on. The museum is open Saturdays and Sundays from 10 - 2 and admission costs £2.50, all proceeds go to the Retired Log Rollers Welfare Fund, providing elderly ex-log rollers with cigarettes and other essential items.

Uncle Charlie & Bessie

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Real Justice

Alfonso Veracruz, a midget, is hung from a tree and beaten by the village cripple after being found guilty of stealing women's underwear while dressed as Spiderman from washing lines in a village outside Puerto Barrios, Guatemala.
They don't fuck around in Guatemala. The Central American republic recently introduced tough new laws aimed at curbing a rise in crimes commited by midgets. Unlike civilized nations, Guatemala has taken a tough stance which some activists and proponents of "little peoples" rights are calling "cruel and barbaric".
Guatemala has a poor track record when it comes to rights for minorities and even recognizes wife beating as a "national pastime". Approximately 3% of the population, Arabs of Lebanese and Syrian descent are not allowed to purchase dairy products between the hours of 7am and 11pm, any Arab found breaking this law is likely to be sentenced to "cheesing". This particularly nasty punishment involves the insertion of various types of cheese being cut into small cubes and inserted into every orifice until no more can be inserted. This type of punishment has been condemned by the United Nations and the Cheese Council of England and Wales as "extra-ordinary and unnecessary". Officials from the Guatemalan Judiciary have declined to comment on the use of cheesing but issued a press release stating simply "Feelthy Arabs are thee scurge of our society. They preetend to be mujeres so they can get free plátanos and burro rides on Sundays. Thees costs thee Guatamalan tax payer over 300 quetzals a year. We aim to make the bastardos pay".
A recent surge in crimes committed by midgets has resulted in protests by normal people in many towns and cities. There have been reports of lynch mobs being formed and midgets being dragged kicking and screaming from their tiny houses to be stoned or burned at the stake. To appease the masses the Guatemalan government rushed through new legislation aimed at deterring midgets from committing crimes. The penalties range from branding to expulsion to neighbouring Mexico depending on the severity of the crime.

Please write to your local Guatemalan embassy or consulate if you wish to receive a complimentary 2007 calendar depicting scenes of human rights abuse. Enclose a stamped, self addressed 8x11 envelope.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Who's To Blame?

I've been reading with interest about the death of a Sacramento woman who participated in a local radio show contest to win a Nintendo Wii. It seems the show held a contest named "Hold your wee for a Wii" in which contestants had to drink as much water as possible before having to piss. The deceased later died from hyponatremia or water intoxication, which occurs when the body's sodium level falls below normal. Drinking water dilutes the sodium level in your bloodstream causing your brain to swell and push against the skull, this in turn causes nausea, vomiting, weakness and in some severe cases coma and death.

Apparently, the radio station negelected to warn contestants about the dangers of drinking too much water. As a result 1 person died and 10 people have been fired, including the hosts of the morning show "The Morning Rave", Trish, Maney and Lukas along with "on air personalities" Carter and Fester.

The husband of the 28 year old mother of three is quoted as saying, "She was trying to win something for her family that she thought we would enjoy…. We miss her dearly. She was my girl."

The Nintendo Wii retails for about $250.

Q-Bert - Not worth dying for.

Hopefully a lesson has been learned from all of this. Video games are bad. I didn't get where I am today playing Asteroids. Nelson Mandela didn't bring about the end of apartheid playing Frogger. Boris Becker didn't become the youngest ever winner of the Men' Singles at Wimbledon by staying home playing Pong. And this lady didn't buy the love of her family by dying in a stupid radio station contest to win a fuckin' Wii.

I would hate to be misunderstood. The radio station had a responsibility to inform potential contestants that too much of anything is bad for you, just as the tobacco industry needs to warn the public that inhaling the fumes of burning chemicals increases your chances of a horribly slow painful death. But would this have deterred people from competing? I am sure that the prospect of being loved by the kids and of being hailed supermum appealed just as much as the smooth satisfying sophistication of 20 tabs a day does to my old man. Life is full of choices. I prefer to view such events as part of natural selection. But I'm a cunt.

What of the kids? How do they get through the trauma of losing their Mum? I bet a nice shiny new Nintendo Wii would help take their minds of things. Are you listening KDND-FM?

Monday, January 15, 2007

Will We Make It?

It's 5.20pm here in City of Angels and although there are several hours left before the day is officially over I am quietly confident that I will not need the shotgun after all. It's a shame because I spent the better part of the weekend polishing it, putting it away, getting it out again and polishing it some more.

I've been monitoring the news all day and so far, at least to my knowledge, we haven't had any "officer related shootings" or "excessive" uses of force that may cause social unrest. Violations of civil rights such as these have occasionally resulted in riots. Thankfully this has not been the case as it would just spoil the celebratory mood and isn't really in the spirit of the day.

I'm glad that the memory of Dr.King has not been tarnished although I could use a new portable telly (preferably colour) for the caravan or an alarm clock that makes you a brew, in fact there is many a luxury item on my "want list" and a civil disturbance would surely afford me the opportunity to cross a few of them off. This doesn't mean that I advocate the looting of retail stores at the drop of a hat. There would have to be a really good reason with which I identified and that I was prepared to defy the law for. When I think of the words of MLK, here are a few that I agree with:

"I'm concerned about justice. I'm concerned about brotherhood. I'm concerned about truth. And when one is concerned about these, he can never advocate violence. For through violence you may murder a murderer but you can't murder murder. Through violence you may murder a liar but you can't establish truth. Through violence you may murder a hater, but you can't murder hate. Darkness cannot put out darkness. Only light can do that."

It's a bit deep, and he may have been stoned or had a few jars before he said it but when you think about it he's right and you can't really argue with it, especially the bit about darkness and light. I would have to say though that I would have added "darkness can also put out light". Maybe he did have that bit in there but dropped it at the last minute to avoid confusing stupid people.

Anyway, as far as I'm concerned, anybody who gets me a paid day off work is alright so fair play to him. Dr. Martin Luther King - I salute you.

"We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools"

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Men Without Hats

Not the shit 80’s one hit wonders but a matter of opinion.

Mrs.Waring often says that the world was a better place when men wore hats. I suspect that by hats, she doesn’t mean cowboy hats* or sombreros because they are still worn by many men (and women), either because that’s the way they were brought up and tradition or local standards decree that they should, or because they are under the misguided impression that it is fashionable to do so. It’s also important to distinguish between a hat and a cap. Baseball caps, popular with balding men, teenage boys and Americans do not count as a hat. Neither do skull caps, Bobbie’s helmets, berets or woolly bob hats. No, the hat’s that she is referring to would be the kind worn by the likes of Humphrey Bogart and Harold Lloyd, a fedora or a straw boater. If Mrs.Waring had her way, I would not be leaving the house without first putting on a fedora and brushing the dog hair off my pinstripe woolen suit.

This is unlikely to happen because here in Los Angeles, where there once was a millinery store on every block, there is now a dearth of them. I’m sure that somewhere in this city one remains. A dark, musty, cobwebbed establishment where time has stood still for the last 40 years. Owned and operated by a 90 year old man named Orville and his life partner of 70 years, Herb. Everywhere you look, dust covered hat boxes made by a company long since out of business. A yellowing calendar on the wall showing a young couple sharing a hot dog and a cigarette announces today’s date, March 15, 1958. If such a store does exist, I would be surprised if they had any hats in stock that would fit my head. I would even go so far as to say that if they did have one, I would eat it. There is always the internet but I’m not comfortable submitting my hat size over the net. You can’t be too careful with all this identity fraud.

I am cursed with a head that is above average in diameter. I have no idea what the average diameter of an adult male head is. I should look it up just to make sure I am not misleading you. I just know this to be the case because I have a hard time finding sunglasses that fit. I have to wear those unfeasibly large “comedy” sunglasses you buy in Blackpool when you are totally wankered. As you can imagine, this just draws unwelcome attention from unruly youths when I venture out in the daytime. My daughter is embarrassed to be seen with me and elderly people hurriedly cross the street to avoid me. My eyes are extremely sensitive to bright sunshine and fly spray, so in addition to the need for sunglasses, I always have to remember to make sure the nozzle is pointing away from my face before attempting to kill a fly. Don’t worry though, this is less of a problem than it may seem.

So, was the world a better place when men wore hats? I’m not so sure, in fact I would have to counter that the world is better place now that men do not wear hats. To back up this argument I would have to say that the advances in technology alone over the last 20 years have made our lives simpler and more enjoyable. Does Bill Gates wear a hat? Not to my knowledge. Have you ever seen Stephen Hawking sporting a titfer? I doubt it. What about poverty? Did the wearing of hats en masse help avoid the great depression? Not one bit. What of medical science? Would we be any closer to finding a cure for cancer if we all put on a hat? Highly unlikely, I don’t think I need to go on.

So, to close, I say “Mrs.Waring, you are full of shit.” At least I would if I thought it would not provoke another beating with the rolling pin.

*Cowboy Hats – Surprisingly more popular since Brokeback Mountain when I would have thought they would be less popular, at least in Texas.

Merseyside Pensioners Set For Windfall

Thanks to a little known clause in the small print, Merseyside pensioners are set to benefit from the County’s twin State in the USA. The State of California, suffering from a cold snap, has ordered the removal of thousands of frost damaged oranges and lemons from orchards across the State. Merseyside was twinned with California in 1997 after the European Court ordered the previous twinning with West Beirut null and void in 1996. That twinning, which was said to include a suicide pact, came to a premature end after a dispute broke out over who should have custody of former Liverpool and Scotland hard man Graeme Souness over Christmas. After a year without a twin region, Merseyside councilors while on a fortnight long, all expenses paid fact finding mission to sunny California struck a deal citing the similarities between the one of the world’s largest economies and home of the rich and famous, and the County known worldwide as the birth place of Freddy & The Dreamers and for it’s alarmingly high crime and unemployment figures as the reasoning behind the deal.

According to the terms of the agreement, in the event of damage to California's citrus crop by “frost, flooding or other act of God, Merseyside will receive and distribute said crop to its elderly and infirm”. In return, Merseyside agreed to pay for the repatriation of any Scousers that attempted to enter California. Since the signing of the agreement, theft of hubcaps in the State has declined by 90% and the theft of charity collection boxes from bars has almost been eliminated.

Some of the pensioners we spoke to could barely conceal their delight. Mrs. Elsie Harris of Toxteth who lost her husband Barry to scurvy last year said “Eeeh! I can’t believe it. I’ve not had an orange in years. Well one’s too much when you’re on your own like I am”. Johnny Codger of Huyton also appreciates the generosity, “I wanted an orange just last week but only had enough of my pension left to buy my meths. Now thanks to California I can have oranges and lemons as well”. Fred Diamond of Croxteth was overjoyed, “I had my false teeth stolen in 1969 and can only eat mush and pulp so this is great. I can’t wait!”

Not everyone is happy though. Irene O’Reilly of Bootle said “They can keep their fuckin’ fruit. They can stick it up their arse for all I care. Why don’t they send us something nice like Mr.Kipling’s French Fancies or some digestive biscuits?”

We spoke to local Postman and old peoples rights campaigner Billy Shingles who agreed that the donated fruit was too little too late. “Why do we have to wait for some gift from a foreign country before our old folks can enjoy a nice bit of fruit? Some of these people have never even seen a banana. They have forgotten what apricots taste like and they don’t think cumquat is a dirty word. This government should do more, these people fought a war so we could have fresh fruit and all they get is other country’s rubbish.”

Less lucky are the thousands of fruit pickers across California who will lose their livelihood until the trees bear new fruit. A spokesman for the California Fruit Advisory Commission said in a telephone interview, “We regret that this situation has had such a negative impact on California’s illegal immigrant population. We are committed to doing all we can to help them stay warm and dry throughout the winter and have supplied a list of names and addresses to the Government to see if they can assist in relocating them, possibly back to Mexico where they belong.” When we called the office of the United Farm Workers Union to ask for their comments on the situation, the person who when told of the plans to help suddenly said "No habla ingles amigo” and hung up.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger declined to be interviewed but issued a statement that said, “This is a win/win situation for all concerned. The elderly people of Merseyside get to enjoy better quality fruit than they have ever had, while we in California avoid a potential health crisis and relieve the strain on our economy by deporting thousands of illegal immigrants. In case any other English Counties are interested we have several thousand tons of E.Coli tainted lettuce available for trade. We are particularly interested in reducing the amount of alcohol related crime in the State and this is the ideal time to strike a deal.”

The first batch of rotten fruit pulp is due to arrive in Liverpool sometime in early February.