Tales of nonsense and items of little interest, sometimes true, always poorly thought through. Less sophisticated than most newspapers and magazines.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Britney Shaves It Bald

Who gives a flying fuck?

I was woken from an afternoon nap by the Channel 7 news, some cunt all excited about Britney's latest stupid publicity stunt. You've probably heard by now that she shaved her and got two tattoo's last night. Big fuckin' deal.

I really am tired of this shit. I almost don't want to watch the news anymore, not because of all the death and destruction, that's the shit that matters, but because of all the constant wank about idiots like Britney and Paris and Nicole and Lindsey. Don't misunderstand me, I probably wouldn't be kicking any one of them out of bed for farting but I really don't give a toss what they get up to in their lives, the spoilt over priviledged bags of horse shit that they are.

Apparently, Britney spent one day (one fucking day?) in a rehab center owned by Eric Clapton in Antigua before returning to LA for a tupenny all off and a couple of shite tats. How much rehab are you going to get through in one day for fuck's sake?
So, speculation is rife as to why Britney would do such a radical thing as to shave her head and get some ink. "Is it a cry for help?" the cunt on Channel 7 asked.

Witnesses stated that she appeared "distraught and disturbed" and that she "seemed very scatterbrained". Compared to her normal behaviour I presume.

I predict that this is the start of some weird religious phase for Britney, maybe she will join a cult. Let's hope that admission to such a cult would involve a vow of silence.

The lad who did the tatoo's complained that she was difficult to work with "She was screaming and flipping out from the pain and wiggling her body all around," he said. Hopefully this fucker seized the moment and copped a crafty feel of a titty or two while trying to restrain her.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Bonnie Baby Competition

Isn't having a child the most wonderful, life altering experience? Isn't an extra mouth to feed a financial burden beyond your worst dreams? Don't you wish you had used a rubber?

Yes, a new baby can be expensive and here at LB we want to do our bit and help some lucky new mum and some poor fuckin unemployed chav with the cost of bringing up baby. We are going to give the lucky winner of our Bonnie Baby Competition a years supply of Glade Air Freshener and two months supply of expired Heinz Baby Food (Cauliflower Cheese Flavour).

Here are the two lucky finalists:

This is proud dad, Dave Bensonandhedges, aged 13 of Blackpool. Pictured here with baby Rio Liam. Dave works as an attendant in the bogs on the Central Pier and recently took on a weekend job wanking off the donkeys to keep them from getting too frisky. Mum, Sheena, had nipped to the lav for a quick fag when this picture was taken. Dave says that when Rio grows up, he wants him to follow in his footsteps, wandering around the amusement arcade checking the returned change slots for 20p coins.

Unhappy Grandfather Reg, says that once Mum and Baby get out of hospital, he's going to kick the fuck out of Dave.

Here's a radiant new Mum and her special little bundle of joy, Paris Nicole. Delighted Mum, Angie Bollocks claims she doesn't really know who the father is. "It could be one of about 10 of our Brians mates" she said tearfully. I don't care which one it is, even if that Pakistani lad, I just want little Paris to grow up with a loving Dad. " My own Dad buggered off when I was born, so I know what it's like. He went out for 10 fags and the Football Pink and never came back. My mum did her best. I want Paris to have everything I never had."
Angie's mum, also in hostpital with a recurrence of her Irritable Bowel Syndrome, can't wait to see her new Granddaughter. "Doctor Gupta said she looks just like me" she said. "He said the baby shit six times yesterday and so did I. It feels like we are psychic or something.

Well people, ther you have it. please feel free to vote on who you think is the Bonniest baby with the most deserving scum for a parent. We will be presenting the winner with their Air Freshener and Baby Food on April 1st. Voting starts now, only 42 days left to vote so get a move on.

Falling Over With The Stars

I've never seen 'Dancing With The Stars'and I told myself I never would. I rarely break my promises, unless I make them to other people, but it seem's this time I will have to let myself down.

The one legged former wife of Paul McCartney, Heather Mills is reportedly in negotiations to feature in the upcoming season due to start at the beginning of March. This is what I call television. I hope to fuck that she does it. They should do a special where paraplegics do the tango with amputees, blind folks do the samba with the deaf and brain trauma patients do the mashed potato. It would be gold. Can you imagine the ratings?

Apparently, Miss Mills is trying to bolster her public image after her divorce from Macaca and in the wake of a torrent of death threats in the UK is now looking Stateside for redemption. Paul is revered by many in Britain, and her gold digging antics have not gone down well in the press. If she thinks Paul is any less revered over here, she is in for a shock. Despite his pompous wanker attitude, he is Paul McFuckinCartney. He wrote Fool on The Hill, Blackbird, Hey Jude, Let it Be. The man is a god.

Please do the show. Please do the show. Please do the show.

Paul in happier days, with some bloke he met in the pub

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Killer Bunnies

You Laugh, You Learn, You Die
It seems that Fisher-Price is recalling over a half million of it’s “Laugh and Learn Bunny” toy after some adventurous child discovered that they could pull off it’s pompom nose and eat it. The toys were sold in stores between May and December 2006.

This kind of thing bewilders me. How is it that a huge multi-national company like Fisher-Price (a division of Mattel) can fail to identify a potentially fatal problem such as this but yet a pre-school kid can dissemble one in a matter of minutes? Don’t they have testers? Do they not check these things before they go on sale? How does this happen and why do we continually hear of threats to the lives of our kids?

Three words……Made In China.

Call me over protective, but I don’t want my kid dying because of corporate incompetence. Don’t get me wrong, it’s better than my kid dying because of my own incompetence as that would be shitty and I would be filled with guilt for the rest of my life. That would not do at all.

I think I have the solution, not just to Mattel’s problems but also to China’s population problem. I am visualizing a business venture here, a for sure money maker and all that is at risk is children’s lives. Before you all get upset and start calling me a heartless bastard let me put your mind at rest. I’m talking about Chinese kids, not ours, so it’s okay because they have too many of them anyway. Here’s how it works. We pay the fine to the Chinese Govt. incurred by families who have a 2nd child, in return for the child. Mattel pays us double the amount of the fine for the use of the baby in their toy testing facility. Some of the weaker, stupider babies pull off things like bunny noses and choke to death. Mattel are out a few quid due to the loss of one stupid baby, this is off-set by the millions they will potentially save each year by not being sued by the parents of western children who would otherwise have choked to death on the unsafe toy. The babies who survive the more dangerous pre-school toys will continue to test toys until they are old enough to start making them, probably aged 8 or 9. It’s a win/win/win situation.

The families are better off, one less mouth to feed, fine gets paid for them.
We make 100% profit on every kid we sell to Mattel.
Mattel saves millions at a small price.
Mattel also gets a ready made, company owned workforce.
The kids have a job for life, literally.
China’s population problem is addressed.

I’m offering you a once in lifetime chance to join me in this golden opportunity. All I’m asking in return is 5 Grand and your written promise not to sue me should I abscond with your money.

Who’s in?


Whole Lotta Lovin'

Like every red blooded male, I have urges. Hot, sweaty, filthy urges. Mrs.Waring does her best to put the fire out but there is only so much a woman can do for her man. Especially when that man is the v(ir)ile sexual wildebeest that you know and love. That’s me I’m referring to in case you are a bit slow to get the picture.

When I get these urges, usually the 3rd Saturday of the month, there is little that can satisfy me and I have to turn to the one woman who knows all the tricks. Nasty Nancy.

Nasty Nancy is an animal in the sack she is like a 400lb female gorilla in heat. She leaves me feeling like a dirty old football sock, spent, limp and stinky. There is nothing she won’t do. Imagine, if you will, the most depraved, disgusting act you can think of and throw in a one legged midget or two just for flavour. She’s done it and done it again. She is a pure hedonist. Worse for you than crack cocaine and twice as addictive, after an hour or two in her seedy one room apartment you will never be the same again.

Nancy doesn’t discriminate either. She likees the ladies too. She swings both ways, a switch hitter, plays for both teams. In fact if you are up for a three way, her mum lives on the floor below and will be up there as fast as her zimmer frame can carry her when Nancy bangs on the floor with the brush handle. Twice for a man, three times for a lady, four times if she’s just bored and wants something to chew on.

I’m all about sharing so if anyone fancies a crack at her let me know and I will give you her number.

Watcha gonna do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Arnie Goes South

Arnie Gets His Tan Going Again
California Governer Arnold Schwarzenegger has seen better days hasn't he? Here he is sunning himself on some tropical beach, and there he was 25 or so years ago with his tiny pee pee sticking out. Can you spot the difference?

Clue - It's not the swimming trunks.

He considers these his lucky pair and wears them constantly despite there being next to nothing left of the gusset and the original elastic perished several years ago. Rumour has it that he never takes them off, even when he goes to bed or to the doctors to get his prostate checked. He has (allegedly) had a special velcro patch added where his ring is so that he can take a shit and the doc can stick his finger in to poke around.

Have you spotted it yet? That's right, he has developed a pair of womens tats. Not a bad pair either and I say that as a proud heterosexual male. If he'll take my advice he will rub some SPF 30 on the nipples though or he will be sorry later.

Yes, years of (alleged) steroid use and abuse may have taken their toll on the once mighty Terminator. Years of living the high life, feasting on young children and drinking gold top milk are beginning to show on Conan The Mammarian. Not everyone believes it is due to alleged steroid use though. I was talking to some old guy who claims he used to work out with Arnie at Muscle Beach, long ago. He sez that he caught Arnie crying in the bogs one day because he had lost his lunch money playing a shell game on Venice Boardwalk. He says that Arnie was a sucker for shell games and was always trying to borrow money from the other queers who pumped iron at the famous outdoor gym on the beach. He strongly defended Arnold though when I asked him about steroid use and claimed that the tits are the result of plastic surgery, not 'roids. "Arnie always wished he was a woman," the drunken old twat claimed "and it wouldn't surprise me if he had saved up all his money from the movies and gone and gotten himself a decent pair of spambags. But he never did no steroids, no siree bob."

Unsubstantiated rumour in Sacramento has it that the guv was so depressed about not being able to run for President, him being an Australian, he was overheard saying "Itz no uze. Zey will never let me be Prezident. I might haz well have ze wimmins teets." Allegations by Gubernatorial rivals that he used tax payers money to have the operation have so far failed to materialize. Hopefully this story might start a rumour or two. You never know.
So, what do you reckon? I'm saying a he's a DD cup at least.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Big Leg Syndrome

I've been noticing more and more people of late, sitting on bus benches sporting one leg bigger than the other. Not in the longer sense of the word, but thicker, fatter, almost 2 or 3 times the size of the normal leg. Usually they are all purple and blotchy with lots of weeping sores and filthy bandages that won't stay where they are put and I have to say I'm fascinated.

I'm not sure if there has been an outbreak of elephantitis or if it is just some strange set of coincidences but I must have seen at least 10 so far this year. Unfortunately, I never have my camera handy and the cheap fuckers I work for will only give me a free cellphone without a camera, so I have been unable to gather any evidence to present to you.

I have yet to actually see one of these people actually get on or off a bus which suggests that they may just be resting for a bit (it can't be easy dragging that big leg around all day) or they are possibly waiting for a special bus to come and pick them up and take them to some location or other where they can mingle and swap stories of their misfortune with fellow owners of one big leg.

Naturally these people are not exactly up on fashion. You would hate to ruin a nice pair of Diesel or FCUK jeans by having to cut one leg open at the seam so they tend to wear filthy grey marl sweatpants with one leg cut off, this probably helps to avoid chafing and irritation. They also don't seem to spend much money on footwear, usually wearing just one shoe on the good foot and a flip flop on it's big balloon like opposite.

I just don't get it. I haven't seen anyone with one big arm waiting for a bus, or stood in line at the post office behind a bloke with one big hand. So why all these people with one big leg. Something is up for sure.

On a similar note, Mrs. Waring just informed me that as she and the younger Waring were watching the Westminster Dog Show on telly, there was some bit about therapy dogs. They showed some poor kid with one finger sticking out of his elbow, no forearm and no hand, just an elbow finger. Young Waring tried to convince the wife that the kid was just hiding his arm in his jumper. She is learning fast that child is.


Not a huge milestone by any means but LB got it's 1000th hit today. I'm chuffed though 'cause its still in it's infancy after only about 6 weeks or so. This is my first shot at blogging so forgive my over excitement at such a small event which will seem incredibly dull tomorrow. Anyway, the honour of hit number 1000 goes to some sick bastard in Rwanda who found this post while doing no doubt valuable research on the subject of fucking stuffed animals.

So, anonymous Rwandan surfer, I thank you. Good luck with the stuffed animals.....

Hot Jungle Sex Gang Bang - Popular in Rwanda

Monday, February 12, 2007

You've Had A Rough Night When.....

The only way anyone can identify your body is by your deformed big toe.......

This little piggy got fucked up

Bleeeuuurrgghh! That's worse than those ads for toenail fungus. The ones where they show a big toenail that looks like a cornflake. The kind Old Knudsen probably has on both feet.
This one belonged to a Snow Cone salesman sho got his head bashed in by two girls with rocks after he allegedly put a curse on one of them. It's a fucked up story that can be found here.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Heartless Bastards

Some cunt stole somebody's wheelchair and dumped it round the corner from our house. It's a despicable act which I find amusing cause they took the front wheels off before they dumped it. Maybe it was a final "Fuck You" to the owner or maybe they just needed the wheels for something else like a go-cart. It's also possible that they themselves had a similar wheelchair that needed new front wheels, perhaps due to a broken bearing or something, and stole this one with the intent of using it's wheels as replacements for theirs. Maybe they operate a wheelchair chop shop. If that's the case I don't know why they didn't take the back wheels, the rubber looked to be in good condition. The only part of the chair that didn't look usable was the seat. It had a big stain on it suggesting the owner may have shit themselves once or twice.
I should call the Midnight Mission down on Skid Row so they can tell that paraplegic lad who got dumped by the hospital the other day to come and pick it up. I should probably mention that he will need to bring some wheels, a spanner and a tin of 3 in 1.

Stamp Collecting

It's not that surprising that only British citizens were honoured on pre-independance Nigerian postage stamps. We are, of course, God's chosen people.
Only after independance did Nigeria find the cajones to put their own idols on their stamps and banknotes.
I have some stamps depicting locals throwing sticks at a giraffe which I am willing to trade for a pack of pornographic playing cards.
Please email me if you are interested.