Tales of nonsense and items of little interest, sometimes true, always poorly thought through. Less sophisticated than most newspapers and magazines.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Give The Dog A Bone

Something is wrong with the family hound. It started out as quite amusing but now, after a week, it is becoming unnerving.

I have to say that up until recently, over the 5 or so years that we have had our dog, I do not recall ever seeing his penis (at least not without going looking for it.) He has always been something of a sexually inactive dog, despite having a female companion for much of the time. He has never been a leg humper. He has never been over protective of one of the child's over sized stuffed animals and, since I don't remember ever waking up covered in bite marks and scratches with an empty jar of Bovril by my side, he obviously knows when to call it a night....

But I am concerned for the poor animal. It can't be much fun for him. He has the horn and it won't go away. He has been wandering around for over a week with this big pink lipstick sticking out and the child has started to ask questions. What do you tell an 8 year old? To make matters worse, he is getting things stuck to it making it even more noticeable. A clump of hair, a marshmallow horseshoe from some Lucky Charms, bird seed...

I don't know why it has taken me so long, but I decided to check online to see if any other poor dog owners were having their appetites ruined like I am. It seems to be a common problem and the general consensus seems to be "take the fucker to the vet". Great. Bad enough that we just spent who knows how much getting the bastard neutered, up on his shots and having his fucking teeth cleaned, now we have to spend some hard earned money that we can ill afford to have some vets assistant wank him off so that his boner will go away. The other suggested option was to put some vaseline on it. Well this isn't going to work, firstly, I don't have any vaseline (surprisingly) and secondly, even if I did, I am fairly certain that this would not be as entertaining as it may sound. Thirdly, believe it or not, I would rather pay a vets assistant good money to wank him off than apply vaseline to my dog's dick. I am not even sure that I could allow Mrs.W to do the honours. We do, after all, have to look each other in the eye from time to time (she occasionally has trouble with her contacts.)

So, I am open to suggestions. Does anyone have any ideas on what to do?

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Pass The AstroGlide

You can call me a nasty old spunker, you can call me a disgrace to my fellow man, you can even call me desperate but I am going to speak my mind and I don’t care what you say…. I would shag Joan Rivers rotten. Yeah, that’s what I said…Mark the date and time, Sunday July 26th, 2009 at 4.30pm. Eddie Waring stated that he would fuck Joan Rivers.

Now I anticipate a fair amount of disgust and outrage at this revelation but all I say is this, at least I am honest. I would wager that there are more than a few men reading this who would agree. They just won’t say it, probably because they have some sense of shame and a modicum of dignity. I, on the other hand, have little of either.

Come on, admit it, Joan doesn’t look half bad for her age. Yeah, I know that is down to countless plastic surgeries and no doubt she sold her soul to the devil. But you have to admit that she is in pretty good shape for a woman of 76. Especially when you compare her to other women of her age….

No Competition...

You can’t help but be intrigued by her. If they have managed to make her face stay young looking then what else has she had done? How do her tit’s look? Has she had a cunt lift as a well as a face lift? Has she had her labia stretched and the wrinkles taken out? There is only one way to find out and that is to take a deep breath, throw on a welders mask and get on in there.

Granted, she doesn’t look as good as she used to but after having so much work done, it’s bound to take it’s toll and after all, how many us can honestly claim to look better than we did 50 years ago?

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Hands For Hire

Forever on the look out for ways in which I can serve my fellow man (and woman, especially woman) I have found the answer to Cameron Diaz' door knob phobia while at the same time providing a job to a very deserving individual.

Jeff Kepner lost both hands and feet to a bacterial infection about a decade ago (should have used Purell) and recently became the proud owner of two new hands as the first person to receive a double hand transplant in the United States.

Not sure about the length of those forearms.

As you can see from the picture, Jeff is rediscovering the non-stop excitement of Connect 4 and plans on trying his hand at Buckaroo! next. I don't know about you but after 10 years without hands instead of wasting my time playing games I would be beating my cock like it owed me money, especially if it felt like it was someone else doing it. Tell me that you would not be doing the same and I will call you a liar. Jeff has only had his new mitts for a couple of months so there is still some way to go before he is fully rehabilitated but I am sure he would be more than happy to take on the role of official door opener for Diaz.
There is still the issue of him having no feet but this could easily be solved by finding someone who has both feet but no hands and strapping Jeff to the back of this person thereby creating not one but two jobs.Genius...surely there is a place in Barry Obama's cabinet for me?

Please Wash Your Hands

So I recently read somewhere that Cameron Diaz is afraid of door knobs. This doesn't surprise me, she has always seemed like a bit of an uppity bitch to me and it isn't too much of a stretch to believe that she has a problem with us "common" folk. I do have to say though that I can almost sympathize with her after an unfortunate incident during a power outage while I was using a train station restroom a couple of years back. As I explained to the Police Officer at the time, I was fumbling for the door knob, it was very dark and hey, it was a mistake anyone could make and does not mean I am gay.

Anyway, I had read that she uses her elbows to open doors, I assume that this is in the absence of anyone to open them for her. I would like to see her do this in front of a bunch of people with no hands and explain to THEM why she doesn't like touching door knobs. These poor bastards would give their right hand (if they had one) just to be able to open a door with their left and here she is with TWO perfectly good hands refusing to use them. Pathetic.

Of course this could be just another example of an over privileged and ungrateful Hollywood star out to grab the headlines with a story of their outrageous behaviour but if she really is a germaphobe, then she could carry some Purell or wear some gloves. For crying out loud...make an effort Diaz! I feel that it is my duty to point out here, just because I know what you are all thinking, that wanking yourself off with Purell and rubber gloves is NOT recommended, especially if you have any open sores on or around your genitals. Don't ask me how I know, I just know. Let's leave it at that shall we? Yes.

I also have to say that this is personally disappointing to me. She was fairly high on my list of women who I would allow to give me a blow job should we ever find ourselves stuck in a lift. She was actually #8, sandwiched between #9, a young Penelope Keith and #7 Nigella Lawson but since she is afraid to touch a door knob in case she catches a cold, it seems unlikely that she would be enthusiastic about taking a load in the mouth. So she has been struck off the list, for now. Ladies....I have an opening...

Friday, July 17, 2009

10 Things That I Can Claim To Have Done Since My Last Post That No One Can Prove Aren't True

It's been a long time. I know. I have probably been given up for dead by many of the faithful contributors who used to frequent this blog. I can only hope that some will welcome me back, if not with open open arms than at least with the same disgust and contempt that they previously showed me.

Doubtless some will ask questions. Where have you been? What have you been doing? Do you have that money I loaned you? The respective answers are nowhere, nothing and fuck off. I personally prefer to think of the last 9 months as a gestation period of sorts, after all I have put on a few pounds and developed more pronounced moobs along with a craving for kippered mackerel. Now, after 9 months of somewhat sober living, at last, a re-birth. I feel like I am born again. For the nosey fuckers amongst you who really want to know what I have been doing since October 25th 2008, you will have to decide which, if any, of the following are true.

  1. Successfully avoided capture as the naked doorbell ringer of Gilroy.
  2. Masturbated with a slinky then returned it to the store because it "wasn't springy enough".
  3. Donated a pair of poorly sequined socks to a charity auction that had been worn by Michael Jackson which he gave to me because they had a hole in the toe.
  4. Took advantage of a free trial at "Curves" under the name "Edwina Waring"
  5. Passed out counterfeit "Buy 1 Get 1 Free" coupons for Depends at the local senior center.
  6. Been kicked out of Curves after being caught sniffing the seat of the exercise bike.
  7. Sent numerous emails to both Salt "N" Pepa asking them to nominate their favourite flavour of Sun Chips. I prefer French Onion.
  8. Sent numerous emails to Sun Chips asking them to nominate their favourite 1980's female rap group. I prefer the Cookie Crew.
  9. Received cease and desist orders from attorneys representing Salt N Pepa, Frito Lay and Cookie Crew.
  10. Put a booger in the pick your own loose cashew nuts bin at Safeway every time I go in (at least 2x a week).