Tales of nonsense and items of little interest, sometimes true, always poorly thought through. Less sophisticated than most newspapers and magazines.

Saturday, January 6, 2007

A Day At The Zoo

Today was Lil' Miss Waring's 6th Birthday. In addition to the bike we had gotten her and other gifts yet to be opened, she had been told that as it was her day we would do whatever she wanted to do. She chose the zoo.......dammit!
The Los Angeles Zoo is rarely mentioned in discussions on the great zoo's of the world. If there were zoo rankings, and there probably are, I doubt if it would merit inclusion in the top 100. To give credit where credit is due, they try, and there is some serious construction going on in an effort to drag the park into the 21st century. Although this will ultimately be very nice if you are a gorilla or an elephant, for the visitors of today it just sucks. All this said, the kid is nuts about animals and so we bought an annual family membership. It has proved to be a good buy, as were the Disneyland passes, and the bribery potential of both have been exploited to the full by myself and the missus.
It has been a beautiful day in SoCal, blue skies, not a cloud in sight. A nice 70 degrees and a cool breeze which fortunately carried the smell of shit away from the zoo. All in all the perfect day to go looking at caged animals and, in my case, MILF's. Mrs. Waring stayed home and since a Father and Child spending Saturday at the zoo screams "Divorced", my ego was treated to lot's of sympathetic smiles from apparently single mums out to rope in some poor bastard desperate for a shag. I don't often get a second look, so when it happens it feels good and puts the extra spring in the step needed to haul my fat ass around a poorly planned and somewhat hilly zoo.
So, the kid was happy, I bought her a hot dog and a cherry icee and an ice cream, we watched the short but impressive "World of Birds" show and even saw a monkey take a shit, the highlight of both our weeks. I'm probably going to give it a month or two before going back again. By that time there will no doubt have been several more of the tragic animal deaths for which the zoo is famed, and hence several more exhibits "temporarily closed" like the former home of what was the only Polar Bear at the zoo (pictured above).

Where Are They Now?

Probably my 2nd favourite Beverly Hillbilly (after Granny) is Jethro. I didn't even know he was still alive but here he is pissing and moaning about how his dad, Max Baer Sr was portrayed in the film "Cinderella Man".


Also, I note with interest, he is planning on opening a Beverly Hillbillies themed casino. Finally! I never thought the day would come. At last I will have a reason to visit Carson City, Nevada! I think he is overdoing the "Just For Men" a touch too. You be the judge....

Thursday, January 4, 2007


Well, I didn't get the big promotion that I applied for. I kinda thought I had it in the bag, got some mixed messages from people "in the know" but wisely kept telling myself not to get my hopes up. I didn't really care 'cause it wasn't that much more money, probably just better hours and looked good on a resume. I like and respect the guy who got it though and so bear no ill will. If it wasn't mine then I'm glad he got it. It didn't really spoil the day though as this little nugget from the LA Times cheered me up no end:

"It must have been some good pizza.

A 25-year-old deliveryman for Tony Maroni's Famous Gourmet Pizza was delivering three pizzas to an apartment complex in Costa Mesa on Tuesday night when six people confronted him."One of the suspects displayed what the victim believed to be a weapon in his waistband and demanded the pizzas," according to a news release from police. "The victim surrendered the pizzas to the suspects, who fled the area in a small gray vehicle."Police spotted a similar car nearby. "Officers conducted an investigatory stop on the vehicle and located the six suspects eating the purloined pizza," police said. The deliveryman told officers they were the robbers.Arrested and charged with robbery and possession of stolen property were Oscar Palomo Capacho, 27, of Santa Ana; Chesnarda Ramos, 21, of Santa Ana; Oscar Gutierrez, 24, of Santa Ana; and Daniel Alvarez, 21, of Costa Mesa. They each are being held on $100,000 bail. Two juveniles were released to their parents. The value of the pizzas was $34.34."

A hundred grand bail???? Fuckin' Hell. What a bunch of morons! You can imagine them banging their cabeza's against the cell wall "¿QuĂ© pensaba?!!!!!I'm no angel. I've done stupid shit in my lifetime but nothing that I can say compares to this. Maybe these guys were absolutely broke and couldn't afford to buy a pizza between the six of them. Maybe they were stoned. I'm having trouble putting myself in their shoes here. I would have to have been either at deaths door and delirious from hunger or tripping my tits off to consider stealing pizzas from a delivery guy and then sitting eating them in my car "nearby". How hungry can these guys have been? Santa Ana isn't that far from Costa Mesa. Shit, hold out 'til you get back to the house man! Hell, if you are that hungry you can get a double cheeseburger at McDonalds for a dollar!

HA!!! $100,000!!!! Made my fuckin' day......

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

All I Can Eat?

I just saw a commercial on TV for IHOP. The decidedly Uninternational House of Pancakes. First of all, I'm not sure what they mean by "International". Are they truly a multi national corporation or are they just referring to the many varieties of pancake on offer, Swedish, German etc? Secondly, it seems that some marketing genius has come up with "All You Can Eat Pancakes", an offer that you can enjoy with any breakfast priced $4.99 or higher. Pancakes? Effing pancakes? What mortal being can eat more than 2 or 3 of the fuckers? What kind of offer is that? Even if you really love pancakes drenched in syrup it's a shitty deal. Even if your nickname is "Shortstack" Jim MacHotcake and you are the current holder of the world champion pancake eating gold medal it's hardly a temptation. Maybe if you have a family of 10 who haven't eaten for 3 days it's worth the bus trip down there, but even then it's not exactly pushing the boat out. Thanks a lot IHOP! I have a good mind to go down there and sneak a trash bag under the table and keep ordering pancakes, then when the server turns around shovel them into the bag until I have ordered a hundred of them. Not like that would show them, I mean what is the cost of a pancake to IHOP? 1 cent? Maybe 2? That's the whole reason they are doing it. It's a can't lose situation for them. What about all you can eat bacon? Or cheese blintzes? No way, too much risk.
I am very interested in knowing what kind of person takes advantage of this offer. I might go down there, with a notebook, camera and tape recorder under the guise of a rookie reporter on his first assignment for the local free paper. Interview the manager, the servers and some of the patrons gorging themselves on stacks and stacks of fluffy buttermilk hotcakes. It sounds like fun, but what would I gain from it? I might get some free pancakes as a bribe for a good review. Then who would be laughing Mr. IHOP? That's right, I would, all the way to the restroom.....

Monday, January 1, 2007

No Undies Mondays

It isn't what you think. Although that isn't a bad idea, cuts down on the laundry and hence helps reduce electricity usage thereby helping the environment. It would probably only be effective if everyone participated, one person not wearing their Bill Grundy's one day a week is hardly going to save the ice caps. The problem is, having grown up in a cold climate, I know that a revolutionary idea such as this would be scoffed at in such places, so I'm not suggesting that we adopt the idea on a national level. In fact, I'm not suggesting we adopt the idea at all.
No Undies Mondays is the latest attempt by the slackers at Boomerang! to justify running the same low quality cartoons they always run. Don't get me wrong, I like cartoons, I watch a lot of animation and given a choice between Lost or Quick Draw McGraw, I'm watching a poorly animated horse riding a poorly animated donkey every time. The plots, should one exist, are simple requiring little to no concentration. This is ideal for those of us with limited attention spans. Anyway, No Undies Mondays feature cartoons starring characters wearing, you guessed it, no pants. As this covers pretty much every cartoon Boomerang shows anyway, why they even bother coming up with lame ideas is a mystery. Just in case they need assistance with future titles, I suggest they should just come right out and admit that there is nothing new to see. Here are some ideas they can have for free:

  • Totally Deja Vu Tuesday's - Ever had the feeling you've seen this before?
  • Wasn't This On Last Week? Wednesday's - Sure was!!
  • Three Way Thursday's - The same plot but with three totally different characters. Back to back, all day long!!
  • Fuck It Friday's - The best cartoons from the last 4 days to get you in the mood for the weekend.
  • Same Old Shit Saturday's - Vote online for your favourite Hanna Barbera character and we will show the winner in a 24 hour marathon. Choose from Huckleberry Hound, Captain Caveman, Jabberjaw or Grape Ape.
  • Second Place Sunday's - Your choice didn't win? Don't worry, here's 24 hours of the runner up.

The sad thing is, Boomerang could be a really cool channel if they just spent some money. How many people look back on their childhood and reminisce about the shows they watched as a kid? Most people would love to see those old shows and introduce them to their kids. A couple of years ago, they used to show vintage Sesame Street episodes at night. Happily, this coincided with a period of particularly heavy pot smoking and I watched every night, laughing my tits off. The fact that they showed it so late led me to believe that they were trying to tap into the late night stoner market and maybe they stopped showing it to avoid competing with Adult Swim. I don't know. Where is the creativity? Why can't they take a chance? How many viewers are they going to lose? Do something different people at Boomerang, you lazy worthless turds....

Sunday, December 31, 2006

We Made It

It's finally here, the annual anti-climax that is New Years Eve. I've never been particularly fond of the occasion, more or less forcing myself to enjoy the festivities for the sake of those around me (what a martyr!). For the past few years we have had friends over for a party and seen in the new year in a modicum of style. This year everyone is either sick or just not into it so we are having a "quiet one" home alone, just the three of us. Mrs. Waring would, I am sure, much rather be around friends than watching me get shitfaced in front of the telly. The daughter doesn't really care as New Year is something of a non event to her, sandwiched between xmas and her birthday, the lack of presents means it is of little interest.
I, on the other hand, don't mind being at home with my family tonight of all nights. I have no problem lighting a fire, staying safe and warm, drinking Belgian beer and reflecting on the year gone by. I don't have any regrets. I achieved things this year that I have been saying I would do for years. I lost 40lbs, I went back to school and took a Spanish class which is the first class towards my degree. I'm happy with my life and feel good about the year ahead. I feel positive that I can achieve the goals I set for myself. I love my wife and daughter and am a lucky fucker who probably deserves worse. So things are okay, staying home tonight isn't a bad thing. In any case there's a Marx Bros marathon on TCM and if that isn't cause to celebrate I don't know what is. Things could definately be whole lot shittier.

Happy New Year!

Not a Football Post

It seems that I've been posting a lot about footy. That's not why I started this blog. It was meant more as an outlet for my thoughts and to have a semi serious attempt at writing. From time to time I get an urge to write but never have. I don't always have the time, and when I do, ideas desert me. I'm going to try harder and maybe read the football sites after I post, instead of before. Maybe that will help.
So, I had this idea. I can't remember when, years ago, high on acid or ecstasy huddled with friends under a tree on a cold winters night in the North West of England. LSD and E are perfect for nurturing brainy ideas, especially if you are a naturally uncreative person such as I. They help quiet the voices of reason which say "That's a ridiculous idea and it will never work", instead giving way to the voices of friends who say "That's a ridiculous idea that might just work. I used to have lots of ideas back then, we all did. Starting our own business cleaning peoples tents, giving rebates on dog licences if your dog got run over within 90 days, opening a store selling nothing but baked beans for 5p a tin, do it yourself tea bags. All manner of nonsense and daftness was discussed and ultimately, in the cold light of dawn forgotten about. I had been musing for some time about the possibilities for a new line of canned pasta shapes in tomato sauce, like Spaghetti-O's. In the UK, spaghetti shapes are a marketing goldmine for the likes of Heinz. Almost every big kids movie or TV show that comes out sells licensing for it's own pasta shapes, along with cereal, bite size cookies and toothbrushes. I was convinced that along those lines, there was money to be made selling pasta shapes in the form of a sheriff's badge, a cowboy boot, a sombrero, a horseshoe and a pistol. They were to be called "Spaghetti Westerns" and Lee Van Cleef was to be the celebrity spokesman. In the late 80's and early 90's there seemed, to me at least, a revival of interest in the films of the genre and I was sure that the time was right. My friends on the other hand, seemed to think that I had missed the boat by some 20 years and would be foolish to invest any further time or energy into the project. The drugs wore off and I reluctantly agreed that maybe now wasn't the time, but to this very day I wonder what might have been. Now Lee Van Cleef is dead, so is Jack Palance and I doubt that Clint Eastwood would be up for it, but just in case, if any Heinz Marketing Exec's are reading this, the idea is copyrighted and for sale. I am available for negotiation.