Tales of nonsense and items of little interest, sometimes true, always poorly thought through. Less sophisticated than most newspapers and magazines.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Hands For Hire

Forever on the look out for ways in which I can serve my fellow man (and woman, especially woman) I have found the answer to Cameron Diaz' door knob phobia while at the same time providing a job to a very deserving individual.

Jeff Kepner lost both hands and feet to a bacterial infection about a decade ago (should have used Purell) and recently became the proud owner of two new hands as the first person to receive a double hand transplant in the United States.

Not sure about the length of those forearms.

As you can see from the picture, Jeff is rediscovering the non-stop excitement of Connect 4 and plans on trying his hand at Buckaroo! next. I don't know about you but after 10 years without hands instead of wasting my time playing games I would be beating my cock like it owed me money, especially if it felt like it was someone else doing it. Tell me that you would not be doing the same and I will call you a liar. Jeff has only had his new mitts for a couple of months so there is still some way to go before he is fully rehabilitated but I am sure he would be more than happy to take on the role of official door opener for Diaz.
There is still the issue of him having no feet but this could easily be solved by finding someone who has both feet but no hands and strapping Jeff to the back of this person thereby creating not one but two jobs.Genius...surely there is a place in Barry Obama's cabinet for me?

Please Wash Your Hands

So I recently read somewhere that Cameron Diaz is afraid of door knobs. This doesn't surprise me, she has always seemed like a bit of an uppity bitch to me and it isn't too much of a stretch to believe that she has a problem with us "common" folk. I do have to say though that I can almost sympathize with her after an unfortunate incident during a power outage while I was using a train station restroom a couple of years back. As I explained to the Police Officer at the time, I was fumbling for the door knob, it was very dark and hey, it was a mistake anyone could make and does not mean I am gay.

Anyway, I had read that she uses her elbows to open doors, I assume that this is in the absence of anyone to open them for her. I would like to see her do this in front of a bunch of people with no hands and explain to THEM why she doesn't like touching door knobs. These poor bastards would give their right hand (if they had one) just to be able to open a door with their left and here she is with TWO perfectly good hands refusing to use them. Pathetic.

Of course this could be just another example of an over privileged and ungrateful Hollywood star out to grab the headlines with a story of their outrageous behaviour but if she really is a germaphobe, then she could carry some Purell or wear some gloves. For crying out loud...make an effort Diaz! I feel that it is my duty to point out here, just because I know what you are all thinking, that wanking yourself off with Purell and rubber gloves is NOT recommended, especially if you have any open sores on or around your genitals. Don't ask me how I know, I just know. Let's leave it at that shall we? Yes.

I also have to say that this is personally disappointing to me. She was fairly high on my list of women who I would allow to give me a blow job should we ever find ourselves stuck in a lift. She was actually #8, sandwiched between #9, a young Penelope Keith and #7 Nigella Lawson but since she is afraid to touch a door knob in case she catches a cold, it seems unlikely that she would be enthusiastic about taking a load in the mouth. So she has been struck off the list, for now. Ladies....I have an opening...