"Our Next Song Is Called.....
SERVANTS TO YOUR KNEES.........ROOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRR"
It is hard for me to take any band that looks like this seriously....
Swedens Finest
Just like Gangsta Rappers, I find both their looks and lyrics, when I can fuckin' understand them, hilarious. It intrigues me, is it just an act? Characters that they play for their public? Or do they really live their lives like this? I know what they want their fans to think and I know that their fans really believe, but what is reality with lads like this? I'm fucking laughing my arse off just thinking about it. I'm drunk and I crack myself up. What can I say?
Anyway, last night I had both the pleasure and misfortune to witness the above band (and their loyal fans) in person. The band, Immortal, even though I'm not keen on the genre, could play like a fuckin' riot and were alright even though the two support bands,whose names are not even worthy of me googling, were utter shite. Immortal were funny as fuck and I had to laugh as they hammed it up big time. Their idiot, shitfaced fans lapped it up.
I got caught up in the middle of two fights, one because somebody accidentally spilled somebody else's beer and another because a supposed hard man with 3 inch nails pierced through his cheeks didn't like having water thrown at him. The disputes were quickly and easily dealt with, proving once again that over-sized rings in the nose and ears are a distinct disadvantage when it comes to defending yourself. If you are going to act like a twat, take the piercings out. I also dispatched 3 drunken arseholes, one of which had pissed all over himself and forgotten to put his dick away, and another who had almost certainly shat himself, into the street. It was a fuckin' ideal way to spend a Sunday evening.
I have never encountered a smellier, sweatier, more repulsive set of human beings than I did last night. It smelled like they had each arrived with pockets full of old pimento loaf to offer up as sacrifice to the gods of metal on stage. There were some very ugly people in attendance. The usual Satanic Hispanics and acne ridden teenagers were there and hordes of big titted rock chicks who looked like they could knock seven colours of shite out of me. There were also a number of very worried looking parents who kept hanging around me, several of which asked me if we allowed moshing (concerned about the safety of their kids), to which I would reply " yes, but if I see you hitting any kids I will kick the fuck out of you." Not many of them got the joke.
It's always the 16-25 age group that amuse me the most. Testosterone, Budweiser and Meth fuelled little boys dressed to piss off mummy and daddy and strutting round the mosh pit until they get their nose broken or some teeth knocked out.
Mosh pits.......another enigma. What the fuck are these people trying to prove? First off, none of these people look like they have a job, let alone health insurance. Second, strutting around in a circle knocking over spawnier, scrawnier little twats than you does not make you hard and thirdly, losing one shoe really sucks because you have to buy TWO new ones you stupid fucks.
Anyway, I get my kicks. One idiot standing near me yelled out in a break between songs, "MOSES WILL BURN IN A COFFIN FULL OF ICE." This amused the hell out of me. I had to ask him if he had considered that the heat of the fire might melt the ice, turn it to water and thus put out the fire. He gave me a blank look before turning to the stage and yelling "I AM IMMORTAL." Once the band started playing again and the crowd started moving I taught him a lesson by putting the gum I had been chewing into his waist length hair. Hopefully the dirty fucker will wash it now. He was the first of three victims. Putting gum in peoples hair, a small victory, but then again in many ways I am a small man.......
Anyway, last night I had both the pleasure and misfortune to witness the above band (and their loyal fans) in person. The band, Immortal, even though I'm not keen on the genre, could play like a fuckin' riot and were alright even though the two support bands,whose names are not even worthy of me googling, were utter shite. Immortal were funny as fuck and I had to laugh as they hammed it up big time. Their idiot, shitfaced fans lapped it up.
I got caught up in the middle of two fights, one because somebody accidentally spilled somebody else's beer and another because a supposed hard man with 3 inch nails pierced through his cheeks didn't like having water thrown at him. The disputes were quickly and easily dealt with, proving once again that over-sized rings in the nose and ears are a distinct disadvantage when it comes to defending yourself. If you are going to act like a twat, take the piercings out. I also dispatched 3 drunken arseholes, one of which had pissed all over himself and forgotten to put his dick away, and another who had almost certainly shat himself, into the street. It was a fuckin' ideal way to spend a Sunday evening.
I have never encountered a smellier, sweatier, more repulsive set of human beings than I did last night. It smelled like they had each arrived with pockets full of old pimento loaf to offer up as sacrifice to the gods of metal on stage. There were some very ugly people in attendance. The usual Satanic Hispanics and acne ridden teenagers were there and hordes of big titted rock chicks who looked like they could knock seven colours of shite out of me. There were also a number of very worried looking parents who kept hanging around me, several of which asked me if we allowed moshing (concerned about the safety of their kids), to which I would reply " yes, but if I see you hitting any kids I will kick the fuck out of you." Not many of them got the joke.
It's always the 16-25 age group that amuse me the most. Testosterone, Budweiser and Meth fuelled little boys dressed to piss off mummy and daddy and strutting round the mosh pit until they get their nose broken or some teeth knocked out.
Mosh pits.......another enigma. What the fuck are these people trying to prove? First off, none of these people look like they have a job, let alone health insurance. Second, strutting around in a circle knocking over spawnier, scrawnier little twats than you does not make you hard and thirdly, losing one shoe really sucks because you have to buy TWO new ones you stupid fucks.
Anyway, I get my kicks. One idiot standing near me yelled out in a break between songs, "MOSES WILL BURN IN A COFFIN FULL OF ICE." This amused the hell out of me. I had to ask him if he had considered that the heat of the fire might melt the ice, turn it to water and thus put out the fire. He gave me a blank look before turning to the stage and yelling "I AM IMMORTAL." Once the band started playing again and the crowd started moving I taught him a lesson by putting the gum I had been chewing into his waist length hair. Hopefully the dirty fucker will wash it now. He was the first of three victims. Putting gum in peoples hair, a small victory, but then again in many ways I am a small man.......
12 comments:
I too am sweaty, smelly and repulsive with a pocket full of old pimento loaf. But unlike the others, I have health insurance. For I AM CANADIAN!
I did have the NHS but gave it all up for love. I have been here 11 years, my warranty has expired and now I'm stuck with love, or what passes for it.
Fuck man that sounds like fun or maybe I just really want to beat someone up.
LMAO at the thought of little Morticia and Voldemort throwing themselves round the Mosh pit while Mummy and Daddy wait outside to take them home. Cool kids you got there.
Excellent post; I laughed uproariously all the way through it. I particularly liked where you lodged the gum in the twat's hair.
I still can't believe you get paid to fuck with people. Brilliant.
Putting gum in peoples hair, a small victory, but then again in many ways I am a small man.......
Fuck! That was you?!
As some twat once said I salute your courage, your strength, your indefatigability. Chewing gum raids are never easy and carry a great deal of risk. Bravo!
damn, sugar! you are fucking insane...well done!
still chuckling over: If you are going to act like a twat, take the piercings out.
NHS or love? A tough call really.
Small men keep the ship ticking over, don't you forget that Waring. Of course, on the estate it's the small men that take the whippings, but I am a romantic at heart.
fuck me, i attended that party in 1979. aint nothing changed, either. you nailed it, eddie! this one cracked me up!
Knudsen - Nothing fun about 11 years of marriage in a foreign country with no NHS or dole lad. Makes you want to beat someone up for sure, usually the wife.
Ellie - Many of them are not kids but grown adults, trying to be kids while the ones the ARE kids are trying to act like the adults who they see acting like kids. It's a vicious circle of delinquency with very poor role models.
Sparrow - Why thank you. Yeah, the fucking around with people is what makes it fun. Generally I am a live and let live sort but when fucked with myself often take revenge in some small barely noticeable way. I am very subtle in a way which lets the victim know that they should probably leave while they can.
FH - I would never do it to a lady. Gum in the hair I mean. Not "IT".
Manuel - That's nice but it's a cowardly thing to do. I'm not proud. I would much rather punch them full in the face, but he was but a teen and out of fear for my job, I opted for the non violent approach instead.
Savannah - At least the visible ones.
Milky - Round my gaff, it's the small man who owns the vacant house next door. A genuine midget. I shit you not. I will tell of him some day.
FN - Thanks. There were folks there who looked like they hadn't slept, washed or changed their clothes since that show in '79.
I can't see bands like this in white and black make up without thinking of Ralph Wiggum with the kitty cat KISS make up on. "I'm a kitty."
They're repulsive, but better than a crowd of bling-covered hoodied fucking chavs.
Having said that, well done on being a small man. Small-minded is good.
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