A Proper Smooth Bastard

Have you ever been witness to the feeble attempts by one of your fellow humans to pick up a member of the opposite sex? It can be amusing, sad, infuriating, uncomfortable....many things. I choose to look upon these situations as life lessons. Where did the lad go wrong? What did he do that worked? Was it his body language? Was it the overpowering scent of his Brut 33 or the overpowering scent of desperation? I often want to provide feedback, not that I am an expert - I have been out of the game for too long but as a man of science I feel that I have something to offer. Sometimes I would simply like to shake his hand and congratulate him on a job well done or offer a knowing nod and a wink. Other times, it's hard to even look him or his choice of mate in the eye such is my shame at being a man.

Yes, the mating ritual can be frustrating. Unlike many of our animal friends, there is no set way of doing it. No brightly coloured under wing feathers to display as we strut around, our heads cocked slightly to one side while we produce a low rumbling sound in our throats. I have on occasion tried the strutting around, head cocked/throat rumbling method myself but with very limited success. It turns out that this kind of behaviour is not really welcome at the local "Thai Relaxing Spa & Massage" and I was asked politely but firmly to "reave". Obviously the brightly coloured under wing plumage is the key.

No, it isn't that easy for us humans. Our females are, in most cases, a little more sophisticated. Generally it takes more than puffing out our chests and dancing around on one leg to attract a woman. Put another way, any woman who is attracted to men who puff out their chests and dance around on one leg is probably not the most alluring or desirable. She has probably been fooled by such displays before, only to find that although a man who can puff out his chest and dance around on one leg is, in his own way, talented. It is a talent not generally exhibited by a caring lover or a companion for life. Nevertheless, she has failed to learn and in an attempt to find a father for her young, returns every Saturday night to the local mating ground known as Xenon to check out the talent strutting their stuff.

Dancing though, can of course be a powerful factor in the science of attraction. Lads who can dance are more likely to tap off with a watching female than those operating on the bar - toilet - bar principle. I prefer to take elements of the two and when combined with my charming and witty conversation, the results can be effective but only if the 'bar' part of the equation is <= the charm and wit, dancing can be equal to or greater than the charm and wit although MUST be greater than but not equal to the toilet piece in order to prove my point. Are you still with me?

I was recently witness to a very determined effort to pick up a female of the species on a Southwest flight. First of all, despite the limited dancing room and a restricted supply of alcohol there is an unfair advantage to the male, this is not a level playing field. The poor victim really has no way to escape, especially on a full flight such as this. The only respite from his advances would be a trip to the toilet and that can only be stretched so far. Any longer than 5 minutes in an aircraft shitter and the flight attendants will come to make sure you are not tampering with the smoke detector. So, I'm sitting in my usual seat and this fairly attractive lady in her 40's (I would guess?) sits next to me in the middle seat. This is a rare event (as I have spoken about before) but next to me she does indeed sit. I smile and before I can say "Hi!" this lad says to her "Mind if join you for the ride?" Now I had seen him already take a seat a couple of rows away and so he had obviously been waiting for her to choose a seat so that he could pounce. She says "Umm, well no I don't mind..." What else was she to say? So he sits down next to her in the aisle seat. Straight away I notice the tatty, dog eared paperback in his hands entitled "The Art of Loving". JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!! I'm not sure if I should applaud this tactic or laugh. He should have gone the whole hog and worn a t-shirt that said "Only Animals Wear Fur" and a pink breast cancer ribbon on his lapel. By the way, he fucks around with this book the whole flight, flicking through the pages, finger drumming on the cover until she finally gives in and asks what he is reading. I would guarantee that he has never read beyond the synopsis on the back but he replies "Oh...this, yeah a fascinating book. I took a psychology class and was supposed to read this but never did. I finally decided I should at least check it out. It really helps you understand what love is all about, not just between a man and a woman but between friends and family too." Well what a sensitive, beautiful human being you must be.... how can any woman resist a man sooo in touch with his feelings that he is willing to read a book about how to express love. I spent the flight trying not to appear to eavesdrop but silently repeating his lines so as not to forget them. Who knows, some day I might need them? Here are the ones I can remember:

• Oh you're Jewish? You know I was the only Jew in my high school...
• Do you like theater? Me too, what was the last play you saw?....Oh, I don't know that one...Oh community theater, well yes, community theater is the best. They are all excellent....Well no, not all of them, some are excellent and some are just good, I would say its about 50/50....
• Hey look at that cloud...doesn't it look like an angel?
• So, you have family in East LA? I lived there for a time, I had a choice, I could either be a cholo or get out so I got out....
• Me too...I love yoga, I was taking classes for a while but I had to stop because I was becoming obsessed with it and decided to start Tae Kwon Do instead....I might start again though. Where do you take classes?
• I'm divorced and thank god we didn't have kids....You're divorced too? Was it difficult?....Well yeah, we are still friends too, that's important because you never know....
• To the flight attendant "Is the water still or sparkling? Still? Hmm....can I get a slice of lemon with it? No lemons? Okay, then a diet coke....no ice. You're the best! Thanks! Turning to the victim "I just have to have lemon in my water - it helps my skin... go on feel my face..."
• What's your name? Ahhh Olivia.....The Twelfth Night..... You know?....Shakespeare?
• Oh Redwood City? I drive by there every night....sometimes if the traffic is bad I stop off for coffee....

On and on it went, this poor girl politely indulging him with the patience of a saint. Maybe she was flattered or just glad to pass the time. Finally as we landed and taxied to the gate he told her she had been a lot of fun to talk to and asked if she had a business card. She didn't immediately answer him as she was pulling her bag out from under the seat and all of a sudden he seemed to panic. Time was ticking and his chances would be few. He asked her again, a little more impatient this time and she said she was sorry but no she didn't. He looked completely dejected for a moment but after getting his bag out of the storage bin recovered his composure and tried a full on attack "Do you have a ride home? I can give you a ride if not, I'm going that way anyway." I noticed he was tapping his car keys on his bag, no doubt to display the somewhat fanny magnet-ish Audi key ring. She politely declined saying that her father was picking her up. Again he looked like he had seen his own arse. This time I think she felt sorry for him and said "Why don't you give me your number?" His face lit up and he stuttered his name and number along with some lame 'Don't be afraid to leave a message if I don't answer.." Obvious call screener..

As we deplaned, I was right behind her and he was a few people up ahead, she turned to me with a smile and said "You know....you could have jumped in at any time there..." I laughed and said "I didn't think he needed my help."