Tales of nonsense and items of little interest, sometimes true, always poorly thought through. Less sophisticated than most newspapers and magazines.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Please Wash Your Hands

So I recently read somewhere that Cameron Diaz is afraid of door knobs. This doesn't surprise me, she has always seemed like a bit of an uppity bitch to me and it isn't too much of a stretch to believe that she has a problem with us "common" folk. I do have to say though that I can almost sympathize with her after an unfortunate incident during a power outage while I was using a train station restroom a couple of years back. As I explained to the Police Officer at the time, I was fumbling for the door knob, it was very dark and hey, it was a mistake anyone could make and does not mean I am gay.

Anyway, I had read that she uses her elbows to open doors, I assume that this is in the absence of anyone to open them for her. I would like to see her do this in front of a bunch of people with no hands and explain to THEM why she doesn't like touching door knobs. These poor bastards would give their right hand (if they had one) just to be able to open a door with their left and here she is with TWO perfectly good hands refusing to use them. Pathetic.

Of course this could be just another example of an over privileged and ungrateful Hollywood star out to grab the headlines with a story of their outrageous behaviour but if she really is a germaphobe, then she could carry some Purell or wear some gloves. For crying out loud...make an effort Diaz! I feel that it is my duty to point out here, just because I know what you are all thinking, that wanking yourself off with Purell and rubber gloves is NOT recommended, especially if you have any open sores on or around your genitals. Don't ask me how I know, I just know. Let's leave it at that shall we? Yes.

I also have to say that this is personally disappointing to me. She was fairly high on my list of women who I would allow to give me a blow job should we ever find ourselves stuck in a lift. She was actually #8, sandwiched between #9, a young Penelope Keith and #7 Nigella Lawson but since she is afraid to touch a door knob in case she catches a cold, it seems unlikely that she would be enthusiastic about taking a load in the mouth. So she has been struck off the list, for now. Ladies....I have an opening...


MJ said...

TWO posts in one week?

*faints from shock*

Eddie Waring said...

I have been working on my stamina. Play your cards right young lady and you might get a 3rd.

Fat Sparrow said...

I never really got the feeling that Cameron Diaz was all that fond of knobs, if you know what I mean. I mean, Justin Timberlake? C'mon, we all know he's gay.

I'd recommend Gillian Anderson for your list, personally. And if she agrees, can I watch?

You would convulse in laughter if you saw me go out in public. Gallons of hand sanitizer, tissues and wipes, etc. I'd wear a face mask out, if the Spouse Sparrow would be seen with me. Then again, I had to ride public transportation for many years there, so really, there's a reason I'm a germaphobe.

ellie said...

Have you had your opening filled yet? ....... just asking.

Eddie Waring said...

FS - Gillian Anderson eh? I suppose she will do. And yes, you can.
Ellie - Are you volunteering? Are are you referring to a different kind of opening, and if you are, are you volunteering for that?

Fat Sparrow said...

I heard you had your opening filled.

Excellent, she's been on my "Honeys" list on my blog sidebar for ages now, and yet despite that incredible honor, she has not contacted me. Hopefully, being the massive stud that you are, you will have better luck.

I will get the Spouse Sparrow to teach me how to work the camcorder, so I'll be all ready.

ellie said...

If I was to fill your opening it would be in Cameron style, elbow first (with no lube), I imagine you would it enjoy that.

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