Tales of nonsense and items of little interest, sometimes true, always poorly thought through. Less sophisticated than most newspapers and magazines.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Tales of Urban Bohemia

I am, as I type, attempting to drink away the pain and misery of an uncomfortable afternoon spent in the dentists chair. 2 hours of root canal fun. Maybe the chinese food from Panda Express beforehand was a poor choice. Not only did I have to deal with trying to focus on my happy place while the sadistic bastard drilled gleefully away at my poor tooth, but I also had to concentrate on not farting or at least not following through on one. A simple guff could always be blamed on the obese latina dental hygenist whose breath, even with the face mask on, smelled like she had eaten an overripe chimichanga for lunch. Once you draw mud though, the game is pretty much up. So that, in a nutshell, was my day. No prostate exam today as my regular dentist was on a golfing holiday in Thailand, besides the last one was clear. This is not what this post was meant to be about though, so I will get down to the meat of it.

Speaking of meat, I just walked into the marital bedroom where Mrs. Waring has just consumed two Slim Jims (meat content = zero) and a bottle or two of cider whilst watching The Simpsons. Already the air is thick with a spicy musk. A night on the sofa beckons for one of us. That is not what this post was meant to be about either, so I will cut to the chase.

Transexuals. Chicks with dicks. Ladyboys. Or, to borrow the words of Alan Partridge, "Fascinating creatures..... Looks like a lady, but really it’s a man. I don’t find them attractive, it’s just confusing."


A few too many drinks and it could happen to the best of us....


For those of you who don't know, I work in Hollywood. Not the movie industry "Hollywood", the real fuckin' Hollywood. The dirty, nitty gritty, 'Blackpool with palm trees' that is a huge disappointment to millions of Japanese tourists every year. I have a weekend job as a bouncer in a club. You get all sorts in there, and that's okay. It's fuckin' Hollywood, it is Disneyland for freaks, misfits, weird (and wired) fuckers from all over the world. We get a few ladyboys in, they are regulars. Asians. From a distance even when sober, if you didn't know then.... you just wouldn't know. Up close, you twig pretty fuckin' quickly that something isn't right but when drunk, stoned or pilled up, the same rules do not apply. I have seen with my own eyes, many a poor unsuspecting fucker dancing with them, necking with them, copping a crafty feel of their tats..... Call me a cruel bastard, but like a foxhunter I will call it sport.

I don't discriminate, I always greet them with a broad smile and a pleasant "Evenin' lads!" They wink and smile back. They know I know the score, they enjoy the sport of it as much as I do.

Anyway, a couple of weekends back, we had a lot of disgruntled Israeli punters in the house. An Israeli DJ, booked to play, had cancelled at the last minute. One particular gentleman, who thought he could buy his own private bouncer (he was right), was throwing his money around and tipped me handsomely to remove any would be tresspassers from the tables that he had payed handsomely for. He was a cunt. A right twat. Snapping his fingers at me and giving me orders, never a please or a thank you, but he kept giving me money, so he had credit with me. I will put up with a lot of shit to put groceries on the table or pay the kids tuition. So I smiled and put up with is particular brand all night.

At one point, he motioned me over. 2 girls and one guy had sat, uninvited at one of his tables. Thinking I was doing as he bade, I told them, politely, to fuck off. Sensing trouble they quickly obliged, not wishing the contents of their pockets to be discovered. Israeli guy then admonishes me for getting rid of the girls as it turns out he only wants guys kicked out of "his" area. I let him know that it will not be a problem and he kisses me on the cheek (bastard) and gives me some more money so I let him off.

A short while later, I return from dispatching a drunkard into the street to find our three lovely "lasses" sitting at the tables and being courted by Yossi or whatever his fuckin' name was. Part of me, the human part, wanted do him a favour and whisper in his ear that he was messing with blokes. Another part of me, the mean part, wanted to do the exact same thing, not to do him a favour, but to watch his disgust and self loathing unfold before I would have to throw him out for punching them. But another part of me, the part that knew that he was probably flashing his money around and would no doubt pay for all three of them to take a limo back to some fancy hotel room and get in the jacuzzi with him, won. Tonight he was going to buy more than he bargained for so I wandered over to watch the go-go dancers for a while. When I got back, the four of them were gone.....

Tales From Urban Bohemia may become a regular feature here, depending on material. It is a true story. It really is. Next up......The Puking Midget.

14 comments:

The Mistress said...

Did your dentist pee in the surgery sink? I understand that dirty dentist is out of a job in Yorkshire. Maybe he’s good enough for Los Angeles.

You missed your prostate exam? I’ve got my rubber gloves on. Bend over.

And what do you mean by MJ’s Dreams? You cunt, Waring.

Those ladyboys will start looking better to you once you’ve spent another night on the sofa.

Momentary Madness said...

Karma gets you in the end. (Look how I'm paying for all the gold I have.)

Momentary Madness said...

Karma gets you in the end. (Look how I'm paying for all the gold I have.)

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I like the Knudsen's Pleasure tag for this post.

Great story, Eds, but given the evidence in the post, when you said you'd cut to the chase, what I really think you were doing was cutting the cheese. Panda Express: never ever a good idea. Their chow-mein noodles are crispy, not floppy! What's that all about? Also Slim Jims are toxic, toxic, man! They will hurt your body bad!

Old Knudsen said...

You know its just like you to judge, I think thats a beautiful young gurly-boy and I am put in mind of my ex wife who was deported before her time.

If you are caught unawares its a test of character to adapt and make the best of it.

I make no excuses for my behaviour and actions.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I expect he knew they were shemales. Men like them because they can't fake orgasms.

D. C. Warmington said...

"I will put up with a lot of shit to put groceries on the table or pay the kids tuition."

That's the modern way in a nutshell.

Mr W, that was an exceeding fine post. Gonzo tales of the real Hollywood might well find a buyer, if you are inclined to the ill-paid and gruelling drudgery of authorship.

ellie said...

"The Puking Midget" Is this another posh wank story?

FirstNations said...

eeeeeeeeeexcellent, mr. waring!

Fat Sparrow said...

That picture you have up.... Wasn't s/he on "House" last night?

Fresh Hell said...

Deceptive as the ladyboys can be, any man worth his mettle should be able to cull out something he would find objectionible.

Can't wait to hear the tall tale about a puking midget.

Anonymous said...

Well I don't believe a word of it - there is no such thing as a convincing Lady Boy and I know for a fact that your wife does not fart in bed.

Oh dear what have I said...?

Eddie Waring said...

MJ - My dentist may well pee in the sink, the chair faces the window and I have no way of knowing what he is up to behind me. I really wonder if the blindfold is necessary.

Paddy - You can say that again.

Sam - Thanks for the kind words and advice. U are of course right about Panda Express and Slim Jims. Both give me horrid gas. It must be the toxins at work.

Knudsen - It's times that this that sorts the men out from the (lady)boys.

GB - Then what have I been doing these past 11 years with Mrs.W? You mean to tell me they were real?

DCW - Thank you Sir. Writing is simply a pastime. If I were to attempt to make a living at it I fear that I would be about as successful as a deodorant salesman in Iran.

Ellie - That all depends on what floats yer boat miss.

1st Nations - High praise. Thank you ma'am.

FS - I don't watch it. Mrs. W is devoted to it, so nothing would surprise me less.

FH - Should be up possibly sunday, depends what time I get home.

Mutley - I shall have her squeeze your anal glands for that...

savannah said...

where's the club, sugar? i was just out in la la land...and i saw your street/bloulevard out in palm springs, too! (other than that, it was a hellish week in cali)