Light Up The Sky With SubStandard Fireworks.....
Yes, its that time of year again. The countdown has begun. There is only 44 days until July 4th and in this particular neighbourhood, the festivities have already started. Many of the people around these parts have begun to celebrate their patriotism by driving down to Tijuana and coming home with large supplies of extremely loud (and illegal) fireworks. Once home, these weak willed individuals, dizzy with excitement and filled with almost retard like fascination can hardly wait until the 4th to light the blue touch paper, so many of them don't wait at all. A couple of Tecate's and they are out into the street to celebrate. Often times, it isn't even dark. What's the fuckin point?
Every year it's the same thing 8 weeks in summer and 8 weeks at Christmas, these fuckin idiots spend a small fortune on M-80's and huge fuck off rockets that make window rattling bangs. I don't get it. What is the fuckin attraction of an extremely loud bang to a grown man?
That's right. I said "grown man", 'cause these are not kids doing this. A couple of years ago, there was almost an unpleasant (for him not me) incident with the slap headed fucker who lives across the street. I remember the incident well, apparently he does too because he has avoided eye contact with me ever since. The time was approximately 2am. Tired of his nightly pyrotechnic obsession, I decided to approach him with a polite request to fuck off. The conversation went something like this:
EW: Excuse me mate. You do know what time it is right?
Slap Head: What?
EW: It's 2 in the morning mate.
SH: So?
EW: So I'm asking you to stop setting those fuckin fireworks off. Yer waking my kid up.
SH: It's the 4th of July. What's the matter? Aren't you American?
EW: It's not the 4th of July, it's the 28th of June you stupid cunt. 4th of July is next week and just to clarify, no I'm not American. Is that a problem for you?
SH: Well....I won't be here next week, so I'm celebrating now. What are you anyway, a fuckin Aussie or something?
EW: Listen twat. I'm not Australian I'm fuckin English and if you don't stop setting those fuckers off I will shove one up yer arse and light the fucker.
SH: (hestitates)I've only got one left anyway.
EW: Well save it for tomorrow or it will be the last one you ever have. And I'd better not see you setting any off on the 4th either pal 'cause you just told me you wouldn't be here so if I see so much as a fuckin sparkler in your hand you are well fucked. Do you understand?
SH: You can't threaten me asshole.
EW: Not fuckin threatening you, I'm promising you.....
I could be wrong, but ever since then he has behaved himself. Unfortunately, word does not seem to have reached the rest of the zip code. It's not just here. My mum tells me that back in the worlds greatest country, the same problem exists for the few weeks preceding bommie neet.
It never used to be that way. Yeah, kids would tie bangers to a cats tail or throw one in the hood of some poor spastics parka, push one through the letterbox of the old lad that reeks of piss, and cruel pranks they may be but they were not disturbing my sleep at the time so it didn't really bother me.
Why is it that people are so fuckin obsessed with fireworks. Is the telly really that shite? I know that most of these people are sad twats who don't have wives or girlfriends on which to take out their frustrations, but that is why there is Ultimate Fighting and NASCAR. What is so appealing about shattering everybody else's peace and quiet?
17 comments:
It's the loud bang substitute for their little Dicks and lack of emotion / feeling in their real life.
Fireworks were banned in Northern Ireland until recently, for obvious reasons, we had too many large bangs over a thirty year period but now that it is possible to buy them a whole generation is making up for lost time!
It's the celebratory shooting guns into the air that scares the bejeesus out of me.
Had I read this a couple of hours earlier I could have opened my window and phoned you so you could hear our Victoria Day fireworks.
We'll be doing it all over again on July 1st, Canada Day.
You may want to make sure your travel plans don't include travelling north at that time.
Mr Waring
I take grave exception to the phrase "slap headed fucker". Otherwise, I am in full agreement with you. Right enough, the fireworks here start at the end of September, go on through Nov. 5, and sometimes don't finish till the 15th or so.
Luckily this does not concern us here at "The Firs": we are too far away from "civilization". The main problem is on New Year's Eve. I like to retire at about 9.45, having had my customary cocoa, and am rudely awoken at midnight by shock-and-awe style bangers let off by the nouveaux riches.
The upside is that Geoffrey is terrified.
i think paddy got it right...over compensation for less than stellar abilities...
"Every year it's the same thing 8 weeks in summer and 8 weeks at Christmas"
What, you're not getting them through all of September for Mexican Independence Day?
A couple of years ago, our house came within yards of catching on fire, due to illegal fireworks. The firemen were otherwise occupied at the other end of the street (you know, the one with no houses, so obviously it's a priority), and seemed to mis-interpret our frantic waving. If it weren't for the Spouse Sparrow braving the flaming oleanders with our garden hose, we would have lost everything we own.
Due to episodes like this, our city council, in its infinite wisdom, has decided to ban LEGAL fireworks, the stupid fuckers, so this year will be the last that my kids will even get to have sparklers. I'm sure the city council members don't care, as all their kids are grown up, and they can drive to go to see some fireworks show, but the rest of us poor people with kids are well fucked, as the bus does not run on holidays.
Not that I am bitter.
Ahem. Sorry to vent. I completely agree that the bozos on your street should fuck off. My ex couldn't understand why I wouldn't let him shoot off illegal fireworks 24/7 in the month preceeding the Fourth of July, either. And he had a needle dick that was just under 4 inches, so everyone's theories about overcompensation may well be justified.
Well, the same kind of fools over here also think it's ok to make huge bonfires of things they don't want any more.
This covers the town in a cloud of black toxic smoke twice a year.
On May Eve I counted about thirty fires simultaneously pumping poison into the atmosphere.
Cops? Ah now, come on.
The government in Hong Kong (a) regularly pollutes the atmosphere and the harbour with otherwise illegal fireworks displays, all paid for by private money; and (b), when it is not doing that, prosecutes owners of smoky motor vehicles and wretches having a sly fag in a public place other than on fireworks night.
We goto France and smuggle giant fireworks through the Channel Tunnel and set them off in the streets. I even build my own rockets....whats a matter with you??
Oh... I just read Paddy. Really??
The 4th of july? what a bunch of Yank mongs, its the fucking 12th July with the fights and the drinking the night before and the barricades and petrol bombs a week before.
yer living with savages, like Irish on speed.
that he is, knudie.
ARMED SAVAGES WHO LIKE TO BLOW SHIT UP.
*brandishing molotov cocktail*
Paddy - I thought that was what their large cars were for.
Ellie - Fireworks are also illegal in the City of LA, and the ones that shoot into the sky are banned in the whole of LA County. Doesn't stop the fuckers though.
Sam - Aahhhh yes. That be Cinco De Mayo and New Years Eve. I stay indoors with a saucepan on my head.
MJ - If I did give you a phone number, I am almost certain that it was a fake. Unless I was REALLY fucked up....
DCW - No offense meant toward erudite baldies such as yourself. This fellow just happens to be a fucker with a slap head. Maybe Geoffrey would be a candidate on which the local children could perform the banger tied to the tail routine?
Savannah - Obviously they are not readers....
FS - Visit Montebello or Pomona. Fireworks stand outside every RiteAid...Sorry to hear about your ex!
Bock - As a kid, myself and my mates would take great pleasure in setting fire to rival bonfires in the week leading up to Nov 5th. And yes, it is the perfect way to dispose of all the shit you don't need anymore. Used aerosol cans, batteries etc.
Gunlaw - Welcome to LB. I take it you speak as the proud cigarette smoking owner of a gross polluting automobile?
Mutley - A HA!! Do they have fireworks in France? I would think that the sound of a loud bang would be cause for cries of "We Surrender".
Knudsen - Mexicans on crack = Same thing.
FN - I think I may be scared of you. Please don't hurt me...
It's not just that fireworks annoy the shit out of me in terms of guys acting like knuckle draggers at blowing shit up, that little ritual terrorizes the animal population to the point where they hurt themselves and run away. Our beloved dog Isis (an Alpha female) who died more than a year ago melted into a shaking pile of goo cowering behind the toliet at the end of every June.
She wouldn't eat or go outside without a struggle.
The Humane Society always reports a record number of runaways with shelters filled beyond capacity.
It's fucking cruel.
Sofas? Mattresses?
Medbh - Welcome to LB and yes, I agree. Mrs. Waring ran a breed rescue for many years and we fostered many a basket case dog. Numbers always spiked after major firework holidays.
Bock - Eh? I'm a bit slow tonight mate....
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