Tales of nonsense and items of little interest, sometimes true, always poorly thought through. Less sophisticated than most newspapers and magazines.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Dinner For One

Tonights choice of curry house turned out to be a poor one. After getting off work at 7pm, I was hungry and didn't fancy the old stand by, a bag of Funyuns and some big cans of beer.
I have been trying to eat well and lately have been stopping by Safeways to pick up some salad or some cooked chicken. I didn't feel like that though and since I am still 0 of 8 towards my free deli sandwich (0 of 8 what? Million dollars?) I am boycotting them until they lower the bar on their BS free sandwich gimmick. I must have been in that fuckin' store 10 times over the past 5 weeks and I still only have 0 of 8 towards my free sandwich. They don't even specify what 'kind' of free sandwich you get. Is it pimento loaf? If it is I don't want it as I don't care for pimento loaf. Jam would be preferable but it probably wouldn't be that good. I have been tempted to call the 800 number to clear things up but I'm not sure it would be worth the hold time listening to some shite soft jazz version of Love On The Rocks. Do I actually have a choice of free sandwich? I wouldn't think so. They have, I am sure, a large pile of ready made sandwiches piled high with the end bits from a loaf of processed, compressed chicken parts that they couldn't sell. In fact, I'm not sure I even want my free sandwich, should I ever atain the "Diamond Elite" level of Safeway Club membership that allows me to claim it. Maybe the cash equivalent (0.0001 cents) would be more edible.

So, I decided on the other old stand by, a curry. Foolishly I passed up a curry house that I know to perfectly good in favour of an untried establishment which I failed to notice until I left, was located next to a feed store. In I go, it looked okay, it was clean and didn't smell much. There was nobody else there which is always a good sign because it means that the service is quick. I order a big Kingfisher and some lamb dish, taar something or other. When it arrived, quickly, the first couple of mouthfulls were rapidly washed down with the Kingfisher. This was going to be a long meal. I usually don't mind spicy, hot flavourful food. This however was the hottest, sourest, stuff I have ever tasted. I sat there with sweat running down my brow as I ate. I looked like a dog chewing a caramel. I know because I caught sight of myself in the classy mirrorred wall that I was facing. While watching myself eat, I noticed that behind me was a bar with a TV in the corner. The waiter was watching a show on Animal Planet in which a dog appeared to be having it's spleen removed. Nice! I don't even know for sure if dogs have spleens. If they don't, maybe that's why this one was on telly and the waiter was so interested in watching it. It may have been a miracle dog....

So, it was a tough meal and the first time in my life that I have been unable to finish a curry. I think that I should be okay to retain my membership of "Hard Man Curry Eaters of America" as it was the dog's fault, not mine.

I'm not going to lower the tone of this post by getting into the goings on in the bathroom suffice to say that it could do with a coat of paint. I had barely closed the door of the van when the pressure valve opened and overpowered even the smell of rotting fruit (that's where that apple went to...) and sour milk (don't know where that came from.)

As this week's random act of kindness and in the interest of serving the community, I shall be leaving a note inside the microwave in my hotel room. "Avoid The Heritage of India", hopefully somebody will find it before they go.

10 comments:

The Mistress said...

Do you sing along to the hold music?

Anonymous said...

BBWahaahahhahah Well thanks God you didn't lower the tone of the piece by talking about your ass explosion


The bit about the dog chewing candy possibly murdered me...Spikey Michael gets in my purse gets candy out, I know EXACTLY how that is supposed to look

Eddie Waring said...

MJ - Just the line "Love On The Rocks". I don't know the rest (who does?)

Q - Hopefully Spikey Michael is a dog...or possibly a dog faced boy, that would be better.

Anonymous said...

A fur baby which is of course the only sort of child I would beget



I told my mom this story... she made tears It was pretty fucking awesome, she lost it at the same juncture I did

Baba Doodlius said...

"Love on the rocks
Ain't no surprise
Just sit on my face
And I'll claw out your eyes"

savannah said...

that was nasty, sugar, but funny! ;-)

Old Knudsen said...

The Heritage of India? what a fucking great name, did they find out you were British and chase you out? Did the waiter jump onto a fire after serving you? funny how the redskins have taken to eating curry since it was invented in the UK and not India, heritage my arse.

The Mistress said...

Waring, get back here, ya bastard.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
marky said...

this is why i play it safe....turkey and cheese at safeway or somethin' yeah...or else i go hungry and drink water till i get home! fuck that spicy shit! but i'm glad you did the heritage of india cuz i get to laugh at you not with you. thanks. does imodium help?