Tales of nonsense and items of little interest, sometimes true, always poorly thought through. Less sophisticated than most newspapers and magazines.

Friday, July 17, 2009

10 Things That I Can Claim To Have Done Since My Last Post That No One Can Prove Aren't True

It's been a long time. I know. I have probably been given up for dead by many of the faithful contributors who used to frequent this blog. I can only hope that some will welcome me back, if not with open open arms than at least with the same disgust and contempt that they previously showed me.

Doubtless some will ask questions. Where have you been? What have you been doing? Do you have that money I loaned you? The respective answers are nowhere, nothing and fuck off. I personally prefer to think of the last 9 months as a gestation period of sorts, after all I have put on a few pounds and developed more pronounced moobs along with a craving for kippered mackerel. Now, after 9 months of somewhat sober living, at last, a re-birth. I feel like I am born again. For the nosey fuckers amongst you who really want to know what I have been doing since October 25th 2008, you will have to decide which, if any, of the following are true.

  1. Successfully avoided capture as the naked doorbell ringer of Gilroy.
  2. Masturbated with a slinky then returned it to the store because it "wasn't springy enough".
  3. Donated a pair of poorly sequined socks to a charity auction that had been worn by Michael Jackson which he gave to me because they had a hole in the toe.
  4. Took advantage of a free trial at "Curves" under the name "Edwina Waring"
  5. Passed out counterfeit "Buy 1 Get 1 Free" coupons for Depends at the local senior center.
  6. Been kicked out of Curves after being caught sniffing the seat of the exercise bike.
  7. Sent numerous emails to both Salt "N" Pepa asking them to nominate their favourite flavour of Sun Chips. I prefer French Onion.
  8. Sent numerous emails to Sun Chips asking them to nominate their favourite 1980's female rap group. I prefer the Cookie Crew.
  9. Received cease and desist orders from attorneys representing Salt N Pepa, Frito Lay and Cookie Crew.
  10. Put a booger in the pick your own loose cashew nuts bin at Safeway every time I go in (at least 2x a week).

10 comments:

Fat Sparrow said...

Good arse, I thought you were dead! I knew if I came back, you would too... Oh yeah baby, it's Taco Tuesday time down in TJ.

No, I have no idea what I meant by that. But it sounds vaguely skanky, no?

#6 is true.

Fat Sparrow said...

Oy, change your e-mail delivery system to a valid e-mail addy in Blogger, Mailer Daemon's kicking it back to me from my comment.

MJ said...

It's been NINE MONTHS, Waring.

I have just given birth to your bastard.

Eddie Waring said...

Sparrer - Coincidence? Or Destiny? Isn't everyday Taco Tuesday down in TJ? Not had a good taco in ages. I missed ya! I fixed the email thingy, the beanbag has acquired a few cobwebs, it may take a while to get it up to scratch.
MJ - You were only supposed to taste the sperm samples I sent you, not massage your bean with them... I cannot be held responsible for this...does it have my eyes?

Old Knudsen said...

I have just given birth to your bastard.

I hope you have forgiven all the nasty things the others have said about you, you sulky ugly thick as fuck and thats an insult to fuck rapid rabbit licker.

MJ said...

It has Old Knudsen's eyes, oddly enough.

And it popped out wearing a tiny cloth cap.

Roses said...

Hi, I just wandered over from MJs party to see what you were up to.

Welcome back, even though I didn't know you were gone.

*crunches her chips thoughtfully*

Do you know, I really like what you've done with this place.

*wanders back to MJs for some more red wine*

savannah said...

i wondered if that was you over at mj's party, sugar! welcome back! xoxox

Eddie Waring said...

MJ - Does the cloth cap smell like piss?
Roses - Don't know ya, yet, but thanks.
Sav - Cheers. Thanks. It's been a while.

ellie said...

Welcome back!
Did you get buggered by the other in mates, you being a foreigner and all that?