Tales of nonsense and items of little interest, sometimes true, always poorly thought through. Less sophisticated than most newspapers and magazines.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Give The Dog A Bone

Something is wrong with the family hound. It started out as quite amusing but now, after a week, it is becoming unnerving.

I have to say that up until recently, over the 5 or so years that we have had our dog, I do not recall ever seeing his penis (at least not without going looking for it.) He has always been something of a sexually inactive dog, despite having a female companion for much of the time. He has never been a leg humper. He has never been over protective of one of the child's over sized stuffed animals and, since I don't remember ever waking up covered in bite marks and scratches with an empty jar of Bovril by my side, he obviously knows when to call it a night....

But I am concerned for the poor animal. It can't be much fun for him. He has the horn and it won't go away. He has been wandering around for over a week with this big pink lipstick sticking out and the child has started to ask questions. What do you tell an 8 year old? To make matters worse, he is getting things stuck to it making it even more noticeable. A clump of hair, a marshmallow horseshoe from some Lucky Charms, bird seed...

I don't know why it has taken me so long, but I decided to check online to see if any other poor dog owners were having their appetites ruined like I am. It seems to be a common problem and the general consensus seems to be "take the fucker to the vet". Great. Bad enough that we just spent who knows how much getting the bastard neutered, up on his shots and having his fucking teeth cleaned, now we have to spend some hard earned money that we can ill afford to have some vets assistant wank him off so that his boner will go away. The other suggested option was to put some vaseline on it. Well this isn't going to work, firstly, I don't have any vaseline (surprisingly) and secondly, even if I did, I am fairly certain that this would not be as entertaining as it may sound. Thirdly, believe it or not, I would rather pay a vets assistant good money to wank him off than apply vaseline to my dog's dick. I am not even sure that I could allow Mrs.W to do the honours. We do, after all, have to look each other in the eye from time to time (she occasionally has trouble with her contacts.)

So, I am open to suggestions. Does anyone have any ideas on what to do?

15 comments:

Fat Sparrow said...

Having flashbacks to "South Park," there, yuck on the Red Rocket.

Yup, get him to the vet's, chances are he either has some kind of nasty penis infection (god only knows what kind of diseases you've given the poor thing) or a bladder infection, which can turn into a urethral infection and make the penis distended.

It's either that or tell your wife to quit walking around naked.

MJ said...

Perhaps you should keep the lid on your Viagra.

flyslip said...

I have no idea, but I'm here to say that I read your blog backwards, from finish to start, so to speak, the other night; and you have a new fan.

I look forward to updates on the dog, the vet, the AstroGlide, Joan Rivers, and anything else that may catch your eye.

It's about time you put some NoCal favour into the blog again, though - and no, I don't mean an mp3 of "Do You Know The Way to San Jose"? (Answer: Yes, although I have my own opinions on that part of the world.) I mean some observations on your neighbours, the neighbourhood... like the stuff you wrote about LA/Hollywood many moons ago.

Get at it, mate! Cracks whip

mago said...

Whack it off.

Ellie said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
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