Tasty Little Treats

I just got back from the World Confectionary Convention (W-CONCON) which was held at the Douglas Lido Rooms on the Isle of Man. What a fuckin' awesome event that is. It gets better and better every year. It's been growing pretty rapidly for the last few years and if it keeps going at this rate we may have to get an extra table.

Anyway, lot's of exciting new developments in the confectionary world to tell you all about but instead I want to give you a sneak peek at the latest in Gummi candies. Gummi Baby Feet. These cola flavoured treats are all the rage in Germany, home of Gummi technology and the makers, Haribo, despite completely unproven allegations that they used forced labour during World War II to make Gummi Sausages, have managed to become the pre-eminent makers of Gummi candy in the World.

Mum...Can I have some Baby Feet?

Aren’t they just adorable? They look just like real baby feet! These are the first in a new line of Gummi candy being manufactured by Haribo this year. Other varieties include Gummi Ring Worms, Gummi Hemorrhoids, Gummi Puppy Noses and Gummi Cat Nipples.

If like me, you are desperate for avoid talking to your family for an hour or two visit the Haribo website. I recommend Fruit Salad Island and the Haribo Museum. Delight at the annoying "Mmmmm" sound every 10 fuckin seconds.

Sicko Celebs At It Again

Not really a surprise is it? These weird fucker Hollywood types will stop at nothing to get their kicks. Bored with the regular stuff like injecting themselves with drain cleaner and bumming amputees, some have taken once again to getting a buzz from messing with innocent animals.

The practice of Pelican Tickling is becoming more and more common and vets in Los Angeles have reported a huge increase in the number of tired and emotional Pelicans left dumped in cardboard boxes on their doorstep under cover of darkness. Some Pelicans have even been found dressed in childrens underwear or covered in lipstick.

As the disturbing image below shows, celebrities stick their arm down the Pelicans throat and tickle it's prostate gland causing ejaculation. The Pelican spunk is then collected in a cup and mixed with Absinthe. The revolting concoction is then drunk by the sick fuckers present.

An unamed witness to the above picture claims that this particular Pelican was tickled 25 times in one night. He declined to confirm the name of the celebrity involved but did not deny that it may or may not have been Billy Bob Thornton. Hardly surprising. The witness admitted to having drunk the Pelican spunk /absinthe mixture known on the party scene as "Pelijizz" and said that the rush "blows your tits off". He also claimed that Pelicans are fetching upwards of $1000 each on the street although it's buyer beware as some Pelicans may have already been tickled several times by the time you get them.

A Beverly Hills area vet said that tickling Pelicans on occasion would not normally be hazardous to their health and stated that for all he knew, some Pelicans might even enjoy it. However, he cautioned that anything over 6 tickles in a 24 hour period may lead to exhaustion and severe mental anguish for the birds.

A spokesperson for the US Pelican Conservation Society said that at last count they had noticed approximately 500 birds missing but had assumed that they had got lost on their annual migration to the Isle of Man. "Usually several birds do not make it back," he stated, " but now we know about this sick practice we will be keeping a close eye on the US pelican stock." When asked if he thought corruption within the society may be to blame for the sale of birds on the black market he said that he had to rush home as he had "left the chip pan on."

This kind of thing has to stop before innocent birds die. You can help by calling your local Wal-Mart store and letting them know you want to help save the Pelicans. Wal-Mart have agreed to donate 1 cent for every 1000 calls they receive to the USPCS.