Da Shizzle

When I was a lad, there was dog shit everywhere. You couldn't have a kick about in the street without kicking a greasy dog slug. I remember having to climb a fence to get our ball back and as I jumped down off the other side, I landed on a skittery turd and slipped, landing in 2 or 3 more when I hit the ground. It was all over my clothes, in my hair and on my hands. The other kids laughed at me and called me Scooby Poo until the day we moved away. It was a fuckin' nasty council estate in the one of the worst parts of Wigan, packs of dogs roamed the streets, shitting and fucking wherever they wanted. The dog wardens stayed away cause they got pelted with bricks by all the kids, as did the firemen and the ambulancemen. Predictably, the authorities were not too concerned about the dog shit problem in Platt Bridge in the 70's.

The problem still exists today, but it seems to have spread across the entire country.....

A couple from South Yorkshire have labelled Bridlington the 'Dog Mess Capital of Britain' and have vowed never to return. I suppose there isn't any dog shit in Sheffield then.
Eddie and Dorothy Freeman have visited the seaside town for the past three years but Mr.Freeman exaggerated "This year we could not walk five yards without seeing dog muck.....It looks like elephants have been here, not little dogs."
Mrs. Freeman also said the maximum she could walk without seeing a turd was five or eight steps. Five or eight? Not five or six or seven or eight.....
A spokesman for the Council said "It is regrettable that (they) feel unhappy about the amount of dog mess in Bridlington......Though we can't prove it beyond doubt, the number of complaints about dog mess in the northern part of East Riding suggests that there is actually less than before." Maybe they should create a job or two, County Dog Cack Monitor, responsibilities include counting, recording and disposing of canine feces. Experience not necessary, will train. Batchelors degree preferred. Previous applicants need not apply.

Also in East Riding, an anonymous dog walker who did not want to be named complained about the state of a Driffield field, "It is absolutely caked in dog muck down there. You can't walk around the path with out standing in it and my dogs are playing and ending up rolling in it." I find this a little far fetched also. Dogs never, never, ever even step in dog shit let alone roll in it. It's like dog shit gives off a hum only they can hear, like a warning beacon.

In Kettering, some anonymous crusader has been attaching notes to piles of dog shit in an alleyway near the General Hospital, telling dog owners to take their dog cack with them. No reports yet on how well this tactic is working although I doubt many people are stooping to read the scribbled maniacal rantings of an angry pensioner while they wait for Bingo to bust out a log.

Meanwhile, wardens cleared away 30 bags of dog eggs in just one day from Burton Latimer graveyard. The bobbins were picked up from on top of and around graves. Usually wardens only remove one or two bags a month so they are either going to have to up the order for bin bags if they are going to keep up with that kind of pace.

In Morecambe, Heather Bradley of Sandylands Promenade wrote a letter to her local rag complaining that on a recent walk from Sandylands Promenade to the Battery, she counted 25 piles of dog doings. She made a point of not blaming the dogs but the owners. Not only can she count, she knows that people are (generally) smarter than their dogs.

Finally, to Sunderland where one dickhead who has been accused of allowing his dog to do it's business on a children's play area is refusing to pay if he is convicted and fined up to £1000, he says he would rather go to jail. "I'm not going to pay a penny because I am going to stick up for my dog's rights," said Colin Edgerton. "I'm not going to be bullied into paying for something that my dog has never done. If Sophie could speak she would defend herself," the fuckin nutcase continued. He also claims that it wasn't a childrens play area at all and that the dog wardens had no evidence. "It's just a field where people take their dogs. Most of the time you have got to watch your dog because it is full of cans and needles," the animal loving Edgerton ranted. "It's got nothing to do with kids, it's just a money making scheme."

Also in Sunderland, a group of lonely pensioners who live in Planet House, a block of flats in Sunderland city center (Location, Location, Location!!!) don't have any dog shit to complain about. Instead they are fed up with having to "wade" through a pile of pigeon muck every time they leave their home. A 70 year old resident of Planet House doesn't blame the pigeons, she blames the shoppers visiting the Market Square who feed the pigeons. Pigeon shit poses a hazard to pedestrians, as footpaths and stairways are made slippery by it's presence. This leaves the already unstable and doddering old folk especially vulnerable to falls and the obligatory broken hip followed by certain death, that is if the bird flu doesn't get them first.

I'm sure I had a point when I started writing this but it seems to have deserted me. It'll come back to me at some inopportune moment no doubt.