Tales of nonsense and items of little interest, sometimes true, always poorly thought through. Less sophisticated than most newspapers and magazines.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Da Shizzle

When I was a lad, there was dog shit everywhere. You couldn't have a kick about in the street without kicking a greasy dog slug. I remember having to climb a fence to get our ball back and as I jumped down off the other side, I landed on a skittery turd and slipped, landing in 2 or 3 more when I hit the ground. It was all over my clothes, in my hair and on my hands. The other kids laughed at me and called me Scooby Poo until the day we moved away. It was a fuckin' nasty council estate in the one of the worst parts of Wigan, packs of dogs roamed the streets, shitting and fucking wherever they wanted. The dog wardens stayed away cause they got pelted with bricks by all the kids, as did the firemen and the ambulancemen. Predictably, the authorities were not too concerned about the dog shit problem in Platt Bridge in the 70's.

The problem still exists today, but it seems to have spread across the entire country.....

A couple from South Yorkshire have labelled Bridlington the 'Dog Mess Capital of Britain' and have vowed never to return. I suppose there isn't any dog shit in Sheffield then.
Eddie and Dorothy Freeman have visited the seaside town for the past three years but Mr.Freeman exaggerated "This year we could not walk five yards without seeing dog muck.....It looks like elephants have been here, not little dogs."
Mrs. Freeman also said the maximum she could walk without seeing a turd was five or eight steps. Five or eight? Not five or six or seven or eight.....
A spokesman for the Council said "It is regrettable that (they) feel unhappy about the amount of dog mess in Bridlington......Though we can't prove it beyond doubt, the number of complaints about dog mess in the northern part of East Riding suggests that there is actually less than before." Maybe they should create a job or two, County Dog Cack Monitor, responsibilities include counting, recording and disposing of canine feces. Experience not necessary, will train. Batchelors degree preferred. Previous applicants need not apply.

Also in East Riding, an anonymous dog walker who did not want to be named complained about the state of a Driffield field, "It is absolutely caked in dog muck down there. You can't walk around the path with out standing in it and my dogs are playing and ending up rolling in it." I find this a little far fetched also. Dogs never, never, ever even step in dog shit let alone roll in it. It's like dog shit gives off a hum only they can hear, like a warning beacon.

In Kettering, some anonymous crusader has been attaching notes to piles of dog shit in an alleyway near the General Hospital, telling dog owners to take their dog cack with them. No reports yet on how well this tactic is working although I doubt many people are stooping to read the scribbled maniacal rantings of an angry pensioner while they wait for Bingo to bust out a log.

Meanwhile, wardens cleared away 30 bags of dog eggs in just one day from Burton Latimer graveyard. The bobbins were picked up from on top of and around graves. Usually wardens only remove one or two bags a month so they are either going to have to up the order for bin bags if they are going to keep up with that kind of pace.

In Morecambe, Heather Bradley of Sandylands Promenade wrote a letter to her local rag complaining that on a recent walk from Sandylands Promenade to the Battery, she counted 25 piles of dog doings. She made a point of not blaming the dogs but the owners. Not only can she count, she knows that people are (generally) smarter than their dogs.

Finally, to Sunderland where one dickhead who has been accused of allowing his dog to do it's business on a children's play area is refusing to pay if he is convicted and fined up to £1000, he says he would rather go to jail. "I'm not going to pay a penny because I am going to stick up for my dog's rights," said Colin Edgerton. "I'm not going to be bullied into paying for something that my dog has never done. If Sophie could speak she would defend herself," the fuckin nutcase continued. He also claims that it wasn't a childrens play area at all and that the dog wardens had no evidence. "It's just a field where people take their dogs. Most of the time you have got to watch your dog because it is full of cans and needles," the animal loving Edgerton ranted. "It's got nothing to do with kids, it's just a money making scheme."

Also in Sunderland, a group of lonely pensioners who live in Planet House, a block of flats in Sunderland city center (Location, Location, Location!!!) don't have any dog shit to complain about. Instead they are fed up with having to "wade" through a pile of pigeon muck every time they leave their home. A 70 year old resident of Planet House doesn't blame the pigeons, she blames the shoppers visiting the Market Square who feed the pigeons. Pigeon shit poses a hazard to pedestrians, as footpaths and stairways are made slippery by it's presence. This leaves the already unstable and doddering old folk especially vulnerable to falls and the obligatory broken hip followed by certain death, that is if the bird flu doesn't get them first.

I'm sure I had a point when I started writing this but it seems to have deserted me. It'll come back to me at some inopportune moment no doubt.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

From chavtowns.co.uk

"-x-laura-x- _WRITES "with places such as 51st state (also known as scally central), liquid, maximes, walkabout and wigan pier to name a few (night clubs with under 17's dance and r&b events) plus areas such as platt bridge, wigan park, worsley hall, hindley, worsley mesnes, stubshaw cross, atherton, ashton, ince (hr and lwr), spring view etc it is hardly surprising that many people assosiate chavs with wigan."

The Mistress said...

There’s money to be made in dog turds. She’s number 1 in the number 2 business.

Momentary Madness said...

The Road to Wigan Pier
'The first sound in the mornings was the clumping of the mill-girls' clogs
down the cobbled street....... muffled by the overwhelming presence of dog shite'. In memory of George Orweli. Cheers Eddie.

Foot Eater said...

Don't knock dog's eggs. They wake your family and house guests up no end when you've run out of Weetabix.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Ah, I get it. Anonymous is very cleverly recreating the sensation of wading through dog-shit with his comment. Very good. Well done.

Old Knudsen said...

I got this too, I deleted it and reposted some of it with rude words in it, I did giggle.

Eddie Waring said...

Lambent - Sadly, it is true. Whenever I go home my self control is sorely tested. I become very aggressive and struggle to stop myself from committing violence upon the fuckers.
MJ - Where there's muck there's brass, lass.
Paddy - Ah....a literary man. Orwell was genius. "When I'm Cleaning Windows" is one of my favourites.
Foot Eater - I like mine scrambled with sweetcorn mixed in.

Eddie Waring said...

I saved the lunatic rant for my amusement later, looking over it briefly, it seems like an entertaining read.
Knudsen - I will check out your post where I am sure you have summed up all the important points and captured the essence of the message.
Sam - Like an alleyway in Kettering, the path to enlightenment is also strewn with shit.

Momentary Madness said...

Can't get you on your e-mail Thanks you're a star Paddy

Anonymous said...

OK - this is just soooooo embarrassing, I know some of my co-speciesists are uncouth and thoughtless, and it takes so little to solve it. From an early age I used the toilet - please don't make this harder than it is already - by squatting (dread word) on the seat. The I flush - as you would expect. All puppies should be toilet trained just as humans are...

Anonymous said...

Here on Long Island, I've been at the parks and so on and they carry plastic grocery bags with them and almost flaunt them. They wave them in the air, as an aristocratic gesture and look around, hoping someone is watching, as they graciously pick-up the poo. It's a stiff fine here for leaving a dog rocket, lingering, steaming. I can't put my finger on it(eeeeew!)but I do believe it is the upper class, trying to show a civil gesture.
When I was growing up, we rarely cleaned it up and often wore it or slipped in it. I was always barefoot and can still remember the awful ooze. Gott go throw up, have a great day!

Eddie Waring said...

Mutley - Don't worry mate. As long as you don't eat it. We had a dog that kept eating it's shit. Truly disgusting but at least we didn't have to pick up after the fucker.
Babs - Nothing like the feeling of dog shit oozing up between your toes is there love? It's the kind of thing that spoils your day before it's even started.

 
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