"The Referee's a Pedo"

You’re Shit Aaaaahhhhhh!!!

The Clericus Cup kicked off amid a frenzy of muted excitement in Italy on Saturday. For those of you unfamiliar with the tournament, it is played in the Vatican City between 16 teams from Catholic institutes in Rome. 311 “athletes”, from countries such as Italy, USA, Mexico, Papua New Guinea, and bizarrely enough, Rwanda, will compete in the tournament.
Scenes from the All Priests Five-a-Side Over Seventy Fives Indoor Football Challenge spring to mind, (“You’re all very quiet over there. You’re all very quiet over there”), but there is much more at stake in this years Clericus Cup. The match fixing scandal of last year and recent rioting have damaged the image of the Italian game, if you forget about them winning the World Cup, and have tarnished Italy’s reputation which was never very good anyway.

Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, the Vatican’s No.2 official said that the Clericus Cup “should reaffirm the educational and pastoral value of sport,” and “strengthen feelings of true friendship and fruitful sharing.” This is of course, bollocks. Nobody gives a shit about a bunch of priests playing football, nobody except me that is. I’m pretty fuckin sure that firms all over Europe are blissfully unaware of this competition. It’s not going to be the topic of the day on the terraces at the San Siro, or Upton Park or The Den. Those cheating fuckin eyeties are not going to stop falling over every time they get in the box just because they saw some sissy priests having a kick about on a bit of wasteland behind St. Peters Basilica. The agents and referees are still going to take back handers, they are just going to find a more creative way of doing it.

Marco Rosales, a Mexican seminarian who coaches the Mater Ecclesiae team said that the tournament is a second chance for some clergymen who left promising football careers behind. “Some on the team had a chance to play professionally, but the Lord called them to His team,” he said. Again, this is bollocks. How many lads would honestly turn their backs on a professional football career to be a priest? Straight ones I mean, not homo’s. I don’t believe a single one exists, but I have no faith, so I could be well wrong.

Reginei Jose Modolo, a 32 year old midfielder on the all Brazilian Gregorian University team goes by the name of “Zico”, said after getting a 6-0 spanking by Mater Ecclesiae, “We have lost but we are all laughing.” Bullshit. No you aren’t you may be smiling on the outside but inside you are seething. Nobody likes losing, priests included. You are cursing them and calling them cunts. You will be replaying that moment over and over for the next year. That one, where you should have passed the ball to the lad who was clear on goal, but instead you got greedy and shot yourself, spooning the ball over the goal and looking like a right twat.

Instead of red and yellow cards, the referee gives a blue card which gets you a five minute suspension, presumably to confess your sins. I don’t know how many blue cards you can get in a game, the AP article I stole this story from neglected to mention it, lazy bastards.