The Priviledged Few
I am not one of those people who takes up a disabled parking space, thus denying a less fortunate citizen their right to park near the front doors at the supermarket or the post office. Here in California, the $500 fine is more than a deterrant. It just isn't worth it. I would rather watch a seemingly healthy person climb down from their H2 Hummer and make their way effortlessly up the steps at Dodger Stadium and bite my lip than to be accused of harrassing a disabled person. Many disabled people do just fine and abuse their situation for the priviledge of good parking spaces. If the rules are to be followed to the letter, the fuckin Bionic Man and The Terminator would qualify for a blue badge. Oscar Pistorius, double amputee world record holder in the 100, 200 and 400 metres could get one if he wanted. This guy ran the 100 metres in 11.16 seconds at the 2004 Paralympics. For those of you who don't know, the record at the 2004 Olympics for normal folk was 10.93 seconds. My personal best over 100 metres is about a minute 30. 
Even though I refuse to park in a disabled parking spot, I do enjoy shitting in a disabled stall when I visit the bogs. As far as I know there is no fine for this, if there were, I probably wouldn't risk it.
Why Eddie, I hear you ask, must you shit in a disabled toilet? Well, I like to spread myself out a bit. There is always lots of room, they are never out of bog roll and there is a conveniently placed bar for you to hold on to for those "white knucklers". So, given a choice of a regular, cramped, no bog roll stall and one of palatial dimensions with a hand rail, I'm taking the latter.This policy has only ever backfired on me once. I was in an office building downtown and needed to drop the groceries off urgently. Most office building bogs are kept locked to keep out the undesirable element (me), so I hung around in the corridor for a few minutes until someone came out then rushed in before the door closed again. There were only 2 stalls, one disabled (per the Americans with Disabilities Act) and one for normal people. Naturally, I opted for the spacious and shiny chrome handle barred disabled bog. After sitting there for a few minutes, enjoying the silence and contemplating the uncontemplatable I heard the door to the bathroom open followed by the click, click, click of crutches on the tiled floor. Bollocks, I thought, hopefully the lad just needs to piss and he can use the urinal. The clicking stopped and I could see the lads foot between two crutches underneath the cubicle door.
I heard him mutter "Fuck!" before he tapped gently on the door and said "Will you be long?"
"Er....I dunno mate, having a bit of bother, might be while," I said, hoping he would out of necessity have to use the other stall, allowing me to escape with no embarrassment."Okay....I guess I'll have to wait then...."
"Can't you use the regular stall?" I asked hopefully."Not really, I need the bar to help me get up..." Fuck, fuck, fuck.....
"Er...right. I'll get on with it then," I replied."Are you disabled?" Fuck, fuck, fuckin bollocks.....
"Legally blind mate," I lied. " It's a bugger, can't tell when you're done, end up wiping 'til it bleeds.""Oh.....I see." He didn't seem to find humour in my remark.
After about 5 minutes I decided that he wasn't going to give up so I gave in and flushed, leaving the stall by pretending to feel my way along the wall. Through my squint, I could see a look of utter comtempt on the lads face. When I got out into the corridor, I waited for a second or two until I heard him yell "BASTARD!!!!!" He had discovered that I had taken the toilet roll.
Heaven, I'm in Heaven......
I felt bad about it afterwards and did so for some time until I got yelled at by a real disabled person for parking in a space (not designated for the disabled)close to the front door at Vons beacuse all the disabled spaces were taken. Angry fucker.....
14 comments:
Should we be concerned that both of us have posted about toilets?
*feels a special bond with Eddie*
*hopes he washed his hands*
Agreed on the comfort of disabled toilets. I always take my trousers right off as well, allows me to fully stretch out and relax while I poo.
yes indeed:
'the crippled poopin stool is the cadillac of the poopin stools!'
truer words, eddie, truer words.
Eddie I use the disabled toilet everytime for exactly the same reason -apart from being Irish- I park in disabled parking spots and if I ever get fined I mug a few challenged till I get enough to pay the fine with Charles Mingus and joni Mitchell singing in my ear on my MP3 player: I's a muggin' bue bu dou-din da, I's a mugin'
As a mother of two small girls the disabled stall is essential. Small children ought to be considered a handicap in all parking lot and loo situations. You are slowed way down, distracted and ever fearful of child-squashings or germy fingers that you know you can't wash properly because you're already using one arm to lift the 35lb child to the sink, and the other child is pulling you off-balance by clinging to your leg because she doesn't like the look of the funny lady.
At least in the disabled cubicle you can stand them out in the middle away from all the germy surfaces while they wait their turn.
Disabled bastard. Who the fuck do these people think they are? You should have kicked the fucking wheelchair out from beneath the selfish fucker.
MJ - A cause for celebration rather than concern. Would you like to smell my finger?
Kav - That's a great idea man. You might want to try chanting a mantra as well. I find mantra's very relaxing in times of stress induced constipation.
First Nations - Very nicely put. Throw in electrically warmed seats, OnStar Service and a Bose 6 speaker stereo system and it's happy trails.
Paddy - Good man there! Taking something back for the common man.
Sam - A perfect example. In the UK they have mother and baby parking spaces right next to the spastic ones. I didn't see one for fat bastards though. My day will come.
Bock - That's the spirit lad. Loosen the brakes and push the fuckers downhill. Or is that going a bit too far.
I was once in a video store. There was a traveller standing beside me browsing; i'm always in mind of being politically correct even thougt I can't stand the whole thing. The gypsy turned away from the screen to her compannion and said quite mater-of-factly 'look, you know him?' 'Who'. said her friend. 'You know him, that handicapped thick fucker; what's his name.' I gave up after that. Eddie, that is an absolutely true story.
1.5 million years ago - Man descends from the trees.
1 million years ago - he goes bipedal.
15000 years ago - Great civilisations begin to appear.
200 years ago - Theory of evolution developed
100 years ago - man learns to fly.
60 years ago - Man conquers space and lands on the moon.
Not a fucking wheelchair in sight.
We can use your fucking bog if we want to. You can't use ours though, because you can't.
I would have emptied the bog roll on principal as well. Tenacious little cripple!
you fully bodied two legged bastards being disabled for me is a lifestyle choice and must be respected or I'll cut the lot of yas.
you face the great white panda and see what limbs you lose, ungratful cunts.
Why do the babies need parking spaces? I can understand why the mums do, ach I'm just so upset, I hope I never use a bog after Kav.
OH, BTW, I've started my blog again. It's shite though.
I just don't have the enthusiasm.
And I'm boring.
Paddy - You lost me mate. Who the fuck were they talking about?
Fresh Hell - Hey! There you are. You still with us? Good.....
Knudsen - Vicious buggers those Panda's. The Great White is mean but the Lesser Brown is a fucker, despite it's size.
Lambent - I will need the URL. Inspiration can be found in the strangest of places. I get mine stealing wimmins knickers off washing lines.
harbingerhk.blogspot.com
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