Tales of nonsense and items of little interest, sometimes true, always poorly thought through. Less sophisticated than most newspapers and magazines.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

What Am I Bid?

I saw that the brown cloak worn by Alec Guinness as Obi Wank-Enobi in Star Wars just sold at auction in London for $104,000. It was bought by an anonymous telephone bidder, as were many other items of clothing worn at one time by celebrities in various movie roles. A tuxedo, worn by James Bond, a dress, worn by Madonna in Evita, and some other less memorable items all sold for ridiculous amounts of money. These kind of auctions, usually at least one a year, are always popular and usually offer the most bizarre items for sale to the saddest of high bidders. A friend of Mrs. Waring once owned a felt hat worn by a munchkin in The Wizard of Oz, knowing what I know about this person, I shudder to think what depths of depravity he may have sunk to while wearing it.

Anyway, cash has been a bit tight in the Waring household these past few weeks and I am seriously contemplating offering for auction one of my prized possessions.

I have so far resisted the lure of eBay, preferring instead to keep hold of said item as a nest egg for some security in the future, a college education perhaps for the younger Waring, or to finance an expensive crack addiction, or maybe even a nubile young “housemaid” when the wife finally wises up and leaves me. What is this golden ticket, you ask? What could you possibly have that would be worth so much? Is it a family heirloom? Could it be property in a prime location? Is it the secret to eternal youth or a perpetual motion machine? No, it is none of the above. It is Marlon Brando’s underpants.

Yes, I own a pair of Mr. Brando’s underpants. Not just any pair, but his favourite pair, his lucky pair. Brando wore these in many of his most famous movies. The Cat From Outer Space, Herbie Goes Bananas and most notably Apocalypse Now! In fact, they are complete with shit stains due to a rather loud explosion on the set of Apocalypse Now! after which Brando discarded them outside of his trailer where they were later found by a janitor with a wayward eye for celebrity cast offs. How they came into my possession, I cannot say, but if they were stolen at any time in the last 3 years I had nothing to do with it. The pair of 5XL Fruit of the Loom boxer shorts are not in the best of condition, mostly due to the skidmarks and some shredding of the gusset, but are priceless to collectors of celebrity under garments and should fetch a pretty penny if sold in the right place at the right time.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I start the bidding at $1.75……do I hear $2?

It was BBQ for lunch on the set that day

12 comments:

HKMGB said...

I will offer you in exchange, a pair of knickers thrown at me by the bass guitarist from L7 at the Reading festival many years ago.

They are not shit-stained, but I have worn them a few times so they do smell of poo.

Eddie Waring said...

L7 eh? I'm tempted. They had that song 'Monster' didn't they? I was doing lots of acid and ecstasy at the time but I distinctly remember them. They were definate rock chicks. Was she wearing them and took them off to throw them at you or were they just a pair someone had thrown at her and she was simply throwing them back? Did they look like someone had blown their nose in them?

HKMGB said...

There is a very high chance that at the time I was off my tits as well.

L7 did that song 'Pretend That We're Dead.'

They are in fact, her knickers. After she threw them, she then proceeded to take out her tampon, swing it around her head and throw that into the crowd. Unfortunately it landed nowhere near me.

Classy chick if I ever saw one.

HKMGB said...

Oh, and they also got naked on that programme, 'The Word', or whatever it was called.

HKMGB said...

HA! I've just looked them up on wikipedia and the whole tampon throwing and getting naked on The Word is documented there.

I think these knickers are now probably worth a few bob.

Have you got any more pairs of celebrity underpants that you could throw in with the Brando ones? Maybe then we could strike a deal.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Somebody only gave him a B? malon Brando? Was it Mrs Brando? Oh that's hard. That's really hard.

(Or maybe not - it would explain the B)

Old Knudsen said...

I will watch yer auction with interest as I have many pairs of gunties like this, he was crap in Herbie spoiled the whole thing for me.

Kav said...

Bah, if they were the ones he died in I might've been interested.

The Mistress said...

That explosion incident may have started the rumour that Brando sometimes performed on film set without pants.

*tries to erase image and remember the Brando "Streetcar of Desire" t-shirt days*

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Eddie and all other British blogers here, go and check this out: http://troubled-diva.com/labels/rednoseday.html

BEAST said...

I have three pairs of old knudsens spectacularly stained undergarments (he mails them to me occasionaly).
I use one of them to keep the local chavs away from my car (I hang it on the ariel)

Eddie Waring said...

Lambent - Aaahhh... The Word, with that wanker Terry Christian. That was a crazy fucken show. Shaun Ryder, out of his fuckin tree dancing with George & Zippy from Rainbow. Or did I dream that?

Sam - The 'B' is for "Backdoor" that was what his wife called him. Backdoor Brando.

Knudsen - The Lindsey Lohan version was even worse. Brando also had bigger tits.

Kav - They smell like he died in them. Does that count?

MJ - Was that the same Marlon Brando? I thought there were two.

BEAST - Welcome to LB. He actually exports them to Romania, where they use them as a cheaper substitute for garlic in warding off vampires.