Yappy The Dog

First of all, let me say that I am a dog lover (if that doesn't get me 100 extra hits from Germany, I don't know what will.) The Waring household has a long history of being benevolent towards dogs, we have always had at least one and Mrs. Waring spent many years devoting her life to rescuing stray or abandoned dogs. In the eyes of many dogs, at least, she is a saint. I just tolerated them, sometimes.

We live in an area where there are many dog owners, I say owners not lovers because most of them keep their dogs tied to a chain around a tree in their yard or let them roam the area shitting on peoples property. Going for a walk round here is about as wise as climbing into the lion enclosure at the zoo to recover your $5 sunglasses, hardly worth the trouble. Besides not being very scenic it is definitely not very relaxing, you never know what is around the next corner. Despite all this, I bear no ill will toward mans best friend. I treat dogs like I treat Armenians, in a friendly but cautious manner. To be honest, dogs deserve better and I would never kick a dog.

There is one exception. Somewhere, not too many houses away, there is an as yet unidentified but very noticeable canine. His name is Yappy. Yappy is on my shit list. Yappy needs to go away, for good. A long walk in the desert would do Yappy, and my sanity the world of good. Yappy, has a big problem. Yappy, as his name suggests, yaps.... a lot. A shrill, high pitched, incessant, fury inducing, sleep depriving yap.

I would target Yappy's apparently deaf owners for punishment for Yappy's crimes. But last time I checked, the law provided for much stiffer penalties for acts of violence commited upon a person than it did for those upon a dog. Obviously, depending upon which State you live in, concessions can be made depending upon the ethnic background of either the perpetrator or the victim. California, I am happy to say is not generally one of them since an unfortunate incident back in '92 when a certain section of society, upset by some amateur video, decided to protest.

Say your prayers Muthafuckaaaaaaa!

This may seem callous and may anger some readers but even Mutley might agree that Yappy has it coming. I know that it isn't his fault. I know he probably just wants to be let back into the house so he can shit in his favourite spot behind the sofa. I know he probably just wants to bark at the telly or tear up the throw pillows. He doesn't know any better. He's just a wittle doggie. Bollocks! Our dog knows not to do any of those things, the shock collar told him so. Besides, his owners would thank me. They just don't have the balls to do it themselves.