Fashion Victims

Fashion is a funny thing. What seems super cool and trendy to one person or group is fuckin' maddening to another. I don't really have a problem with most of today's fashions. I'm quite tolerant and respectful of people's right to dress how the hell they want to as I know what it is like to be laughed at in public, pointed at by small children as they tug at their mothers sleeve and say things like "Mummy, that man scares me."

I don't think that my personal choice of attire is particularly offensive. Day-glo orange lycra cycling shorts go just fine with a chiffon shirt and sheepskin waistcoat, knee length argyle socks and rubber wellies. It's a statement that I am making that says "I am my own man so fuck off or I will hurt you." It seems to work as most people cross the street to avoid me and rarely make eye contact.

One of today's fashions that mystifies me is the saggy pants worn around the thighs exposing the boxer shorts underneath. Mostly worn by, lets call them African Americans, and people who wish they were African Americans, talk like they are African Americans but are definitely too pale to be African Americans, the fashion is to say the least, irritating. Just like me, they would probably argue that they are just making a statement and I would agree. I hear it loud and clear and it is telling me that they are twats.

I have questions. Burning questions that I need answers to and would be happy to ask one of the subscribers to said fashion if they would not keep crossing the street to avoid me:

1. How do you keep the pants half way down your thighs without them constantly falling down? I tried to recreate the experience in my bedroom while the wife was out yesterday but they wouldn't stay there. Are you using braces or is that considered cheating and if so doesn't that make you unfashionable?
2. Given that you can mysteriously make your pants stay put half way down your thighs, how do you manage to walk more than 3 steps without falling over. It is like running a three legged race with a one legged man as your partner, impossible.
3. I say you are a twat. What are you going to do about it, twat?

"Oi......Pull yer pants up you twat!"

In Jamaica, there is a movement afoot to outlaw the wearing of saggy pants in public. Similar attempts in the Worlds 2nd greatest country, the USA, fell flat last year when officials in Dallas proposed a $50 on the spot fine for wearers of low riding pants. The American people were once again defeated by their own constitution amid concerns about civil rights and personal freedom.
Luckily, in Jamaica, these things are less of a concern and the movement is gathering steam.

Public opinion seems to be swayed against saggy pants, many people believe it to be a sign of homosexuality and they may have a point. 43 year old street vendor Robert Stuart told The Jamaica Observer "That is a sodomite principle, because your pants supposed to be up at your waist."

Shaneek Sewell, a 19 year old student doesn't find it attractive and said "I think the persons who do these things are mostly like the uneducated people in society."

"It's not appropriate, it doesn't look right, it's not gentleman-like. It's definitely unacceptable for most of the population," said Deanroy Edwards, a 23 year old technician.

Fining people may be a little extreme and difficult to enforce, especially when it comes to collecting the fines as most of these fuckers do not appear to have jobs and any spare cash they do have seems to be spent on clothing that is too big for them (a pet peeve of mine.) I would like to suggest Brazilian style government sponsored death squads cruising the streets in a Ford Transit van with blacked out windows and loaded to the gills with M-16 wielding federal agents. This would create jobs while at the same time alleviating some of the pressure on the welfare system. Although frowned upon by liberals and do-gooders, this is actually the answer to many of today's social ills and I think that pretty soon, these namby pamby, limp handshaking types would be benefiting from the very thing they seek to prevent. Besides, surely it would only take the discovery of a handful of saggy pant clad corpses before the rest of them got the message and pulled their fuckin pants up. I also contend that if you were to ask enough of them you would definitely find more than a handful who would claim to be willing to die for their right to wear their pants any way they choose so all you would have to do is find them and everyone would be happy. Well, mostly everyone. I'd be happy, that is all that matters.