Watch The Birdy
We got a new budgie at the weekend. For those of you wondering what the fuck a budgie is (yanks), it's a fuckin' parakeet which will henceforth be referred to as a budgie because that's what it is.
Anyway, we did have two. One went tits up a few months ago. That one was called LemonLime because it was green and yellow. The other one, the one still alive, never had a name because the kid could never decide on anything that she liked.
As a reward for behaving herself in school, Mrs. W promised her a new one to replace the deceased LemonLime. Of course it was I who had the pleasure of standing around for 1/2 an hour in fuckin Petco at the weekend while the princess decided which of the 50 birds in the cage she wanted, then another 15 minutes while the assistant caught the little bastard in the net.
Two days later and the new cage mates seem to be getting on quite well considered the invasion of space and the trauma of being caught in a net and placed inside a cardboard box only to be shoved into a new cage with an unknown bird for company. I have to admit that if I were on the same perch, I would be a bit testy to say the least. Everything seems, for the moment at least, to be working out well.
One of the reasons we never named the other bird is because Mrs. Waring maintains that the moment you name the fuckers, they quickly become an ex-budgie after hiding under the newspaper at the bottom of the cage for a day or two. I'm not quite as cynical in this regard and even with my limited knowledge of ornithology believe that it is more of a coincidence but, being a man of science, am prepared to put it to the test.
I would be waiting all year if I were to leave it up to the child to decide and I don't have that kind of time so I am putting it to you, my loyal and trusted contributors, to come up with names for the two birds, with the kid having the final say in which ones are successful. If, upon bestowal of their new names, they survive, I will be proved right. Alternatively if they both take to hiding under the newspaper until death, I will admit that I was wrong and the lucky winners of this competition will have to deal with their conscience as having been an accessory to their demise.
So, have at it. What names do you suggest for them? The winner(s) will receive a prize (TBD) to the value of 10 American Dollars. To help you, here is a picture of the birdies.
New one foreground, old one rear. If only they could
talk. I would have them saying "You're a cunt!"
14 comments:
Yer gurl seems a bit of a flip flopper you should have words with her.
The new one wiggie,fingerbob,cobber or baw bag.
and the old one drumstick, old meat, MJ or next to go.
I can't see the ceres, what are they females or what? I had a beloved bird called 'Crusty'
I once lived among the wild Budgies of Australia.
Name it "Knudsen's Bitch."
Oh bugger. Knudsen threw me off the trail. I have to name both of them?
Okay. The other one is "Knudsen's Tart."
Now where's my prize?
Birds as pet... I never quite got it. But if you must, I say you call them "Flotsam" and "Jetsam". It's fun to say and by the time your daughter figures out the etymology it may be applicable.
As you know, I'm heading on vacation and the budget is tight so if you could express my $10 prize, that would be swell.
Fresh Hell's got the right idea, you can't beat the rhyming names. I'd go for Dosser and Tosser.
Breadcrumb and batter, I don't have good ideas for anything less than a 50.
This has gone on long enough.
Where's my prize?
"Fellatio" and "Cunnilingus".
1. You tell your child they are Shakespeare characters. She admires you for your culture.
2. As she grows older (I have no idea how old she is, but to like something as crap as a budgie she must be young or a geriatric), she can take a smug satisfaction at knowing that the kids at school are talking about her pets all the time. That is, if she goes to a posh school where they speak proper.
3. When you are dead and she looks back she will smile at what an old rogue her Dad was, duping her in such a manner. Diamond geezer!
Your a winner every which way with this one Waring.
The Ex used to refer to pets like that as "Kleenex Pets," i.e., disposable. We have had so many hamsters I would never be able to remember all their names if my life depended on it. The first one, that's the only one I remember the name of.
Go for "Fluffy" and "Rex." The kid won't remember their names after they cark it, anyway.
Just call them 'knock' and 'out'. After yer namesake.
Knudsen - Some fine suggestions. I favour Bawbag and Drumstick but the final say is not mine.
MJ - Or Knudsen & Bitch?
Now where's my prize?
Where's my fuckin' shorts?
FH - It was a prize to the value of $10. For 10 actual dollars you have to work harder than that. I will submit your names to the child.
GB - Not bad, she doesn't know what either of those mean, so you stand a chance.
Knudsen - The other ones were better.
Milky - Budgies are ideal pets. Low cost, low maintenance and easily disposed of. Second only to Goldfish for their ease of replacement. Not bad ideas, but you are not going to win.
Sparrow - Fluffy and Rex. Exactly the kind of shite names she would pick. You may be the winner there.
Troika - Up and Under also come to mind.
I didn't read the bit about the child having a say in the matter. That is why I am a fool.
Knobs and Knockers
Milky - It was central to the need for names. Don't worry about it. I'm sure you were very drunk at the time.
Bock - Kid says no.
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