Fuck Me! It's a Fucking Meme
I swore I would never do this but since Foot Eater and Fat Sparrow both tagged me, and me being a polite, accommodating sort, I feel that to ignore them would be rude.
So, against all I stand for, here are eight items of biographical half truths about yours truly:
- I have a lifetime ban from all Tesco stores worldwide. In an embarrassing case of mistaken identity I stand accused of fondling fruit and of committing simulated sexual acts with vegetables during store hours.
- I am currently suing the National Hockey League for the patent on the modern day hockey puck which I designed on the back of a beer mat in 1998. The beer mat was subsequently stolen from the bar while I was in the bogs.
- As far as US immigration knows, I am also known as Sancho Robles de Oaxaca, a poor cobbler from Mexico.
- I once got kicked off "Stars in Their Eyes". My impression of Prince Charles was described by Matthew Kelly as "repulsive and sickening".
- I have never been to Barnsley.
- My application to join the Cheshire Constabulary was rejected when I answered "I do not recall" to the question "Have you ever taken illegal substances?"
- My own line of designer men's underwear "Eddie's", was withdrawn from sale after unfounded allegations of the use of child labour and further bad press regarding what "Which?" magazine called 'excessive gusset shredding'.
- I carry a forged 50m breast stroke swimming certificate with which to impress the ladies.
22 comments:
To know is to love...
sorry I mean, be wary of, not love..
"I stand accused of fondling fruit and of committing simulated sexual acts with vegetables during store hours."
That's no crime where I come from.
Waring, you bastard.
You fucking twat!
Manuel - I'm harmless....really.
GB - Nothing is considered a crime where you come from. Things are merely frowned upon for a short while.
Milky & FH - I know. I apologised. Meme's are a curse and if it's any consolation I had Mrs.Waring take the paddle to me as punishment.
Christ I need to figure this shit out.
Would you have Mrs. Warring take a lenght of rubber hose to you as well, please?
I have never been to Barnsley
When I get the proof that you are the Barnsley flasher yer going doon lad and not in a good way.
50 metre breast stroke? Hmmmmmmmmmmmm I would hav put you down as a doggy paddle man!
"As far as US immigration knows, I am also known as Sancho Robles de Oaxaca, a poor cobbler from Mexico."
That was you, you bastard?! Where's my child support money?!
OK so Hungbunny hates Meme, everyone is at least ambivalent towards Meme, but some of you will play along whilst gritting your teeth. I've surmised, sharp as I am, that "Meme" doesn't apply to a little Japanese doll, a type of noodle or Mickey Rourke's foo foo dog. Is it called "Meme" because it encourages flagrant indulgence in revealing relatively inane truths about oneself ? Fuck fuck fuck fuck it !! I've got to learn about links, and archives, and fucking Meme...
It's done now. I hope you are satisfied. Ms Fresh Hell is on her way to kidnap you.
The only autobiographical fact that I seem to be able to remember these days is that I have never seen so many tearful tarts on a dock as when the winning Australian Admiral's Cup sailing team left Plymouth Dock in 1979.
You know, Eddie, I always thought you were a straight-shooter, a chap not given to wild hyperbole and then I read #5.
You expect us to believe that? Come on, man. It's just too far-fetched. I'm looking at you through different eyes and those eyes are disappointed, my friend. Just disappointed.
Wen will all the lies stop!
(Falls to knees)(Weeps inconsolably)
"?"! I meant "?"!
You motherless son of a leatherette beanbag.
Now I have homework.
Yeah, not so impressed by the 50m breaststroke. I could do the 500m in my day.
Fearfink - Looks like you are getting the hang of things. Meme's should be avoided at all times. I'm not proud of what I did but it was done to me by people I thought I could trust. It seemed only right that I then pass on the misery to others. I will never do it again.
FH - Would you like pictures of the welts to prove it?
Knudsen - They will never take me alive.
Ellie - It depends on the woman.
Sparrow - Do you accept postage stamps as payment?
Milky - Lets put it behind us shall we?
Gunlaw - Why is the Admirals Cup held every two years. Surely once a decade is enough?
Sam - You spotted the lie. All 7 other statements are completely true. I have been to Barnsley on several occasions none of which coincide with sightings of the infamous Barnsley flasher as Knudsen accuses.
MJ - 3 week holiday and now you have to do a meme......waah fuckin waah! Get on with it bitch.
Sassy - A thousand welcomes. Did I say 50m? I meant 501m with wellies on.
Fuck off before I sit on your face.
I still have more vacation postings to write.
Yes, let's.
Whats wrong with fucking Barnsley?
MJ - Threat or promise?
Gunlaw - That would be it. Yes.
Milky - Right then.
Mutley - I don't know I've never been. It just doesn't hold any appeal for me. I imagine that I will never visit it to find out what might be wrong with it. You seem a tad defensive on the subject. Have you been there?
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