Like I Have Nothing Better To Do......

That bitter auld cunt Knudsen tagged me for a meme. This is only the second one that I have been hit with and after the first one I said that I would never do another 'cause they are shite. I'm going to play along though but I'm not playing by the rules and I'm not tagging anyone so if I suddenly stop posting then it means that I was killed in some freak meme related accident so don't bother coming looking for me 'cause I will be dead.
Here are THE RULES:

Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog. Share seven random and/or weird facts about yourself. Tag seven random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a notification on their blog.

1. I always sniff my fingers after scratching my arse, just to see how much it stinks.

2. Whenever I produce a turd in the work bogs that is one single log measuring longer than 4 inches in length I don't flush it but leave it for the next user to marvel at.

3. I have never been stung by a bee.

4. I once kept a large scab from a big cut on my knee for 3 years wrapped in tin foil.

5. I consider yellow Opal Fruits to be the work of Satan.

6. I once had a wank over a picture of Una Stubbs as Aunt Sally from Worzel Gummidge.

7. I once dressed as Aunt Sally and had a wank over a picture of Worzel Gummidge.

Ooo-Arrr

Fuck Me! It's a Fucking Meme

I swore I would never do this but since Foot Eater and Fat Sparrow both tagged me, and me being a polite, accommodating sort, I feel that to ignore them would be rude.

So, against all I stand for, here are eight items of biographical half truths about yours truly:

1. I have a lifetime ban from all Tesco stores worldwide. In an embarrassing case of mistaken identity I stand accused of fondling fruit and of committing simulated sexual acts with vegetables during store hours.
2. I am currently suing the National Hockey League for the patent on the modern day hockey puck which I designed on the back of a beer mat in 1998. The beer mat was subsequently stolen from the bar while I was in the bogs.
3. As far as US immigration knows, I am also known as Sancho Robles de Oaxaca, a poor cobbler from Mexico.
4. I once got kicked off "Stars in Their Eyes". My impression of Prince Charles was described by Matthew Kelly as "repulsive and sickening".
5. I have never been to Barnsley.
6. My application to join the Cheshire Constabulary was rejected when I answered "I do not recall" to the question "Have you ever taken illegal substances?"
7. My own line of designer men's underwear "Eddie's", was withdrawn from sale after unfounded allegations of the use of child labour and further bad press regarding what "Which?" magazine called 'excessive gusset shredding'.
8. I carry a forged 50m breast stroke swimming certificate with which to impress the ladies.

There you have it. Just because it seems I have to, I shall tag Ellie, Fresh Hell and Lord Milky and MJ who should be back from her lesbo holidays by now. Please accept my apologies...