Tales of nonsense and items of little interest, sometimes true, always poorly thought through. Less sophisticated than most newspapers and magazines.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Just Call In Sick

An Encino Nanny came clean this week and admitted that her claims that some bloke was frequenting a local park and offering nannies money to buy the babies they were caring for, were false. She had lied about it because she didn't want to take the baby for a walk. I suspected that this was the case all along. She went to extraordinary lengths to avoid physical excercise, the lazy cow.

It did seem far fetched. It was after all an odd tactic. You don't often hear of this kind of behaviour, human trafficking being frowned upon more than actual kidnap these days. You can understand (almost) some nutjob going to a park and stealing a baby cause thats what they do, but actually going to a park and offering to buy a baby is just daft. The risk is too high, the chances of asking someone who not only does not want to sell their baby but would also be tempted to alert the authorities are rather high. Plus, even if you find someone willing to sell, the asking price would almost certainly be prohibitive. Why lay out a small fortune when you can just steal one? And, speaking of risk, if the kid turns out to be a fuckin idiot you may as well have just flushed your money down the bog. Steal a mong, on the other hand, and you can just put it back where you found it without being out of pocket except for maybe a few quid spent on food and nappies.

Certain sections of society get quite upset when the topic of trade in humans comes up. As you can imagine, the LAPD were anxious to speak with this man, especially after a 2nd report was made a day later that the man had returned to the same park (even more unlikely) and approached a different Nanny. The reality of it all is quite disappointing for me. I was very interested in the real facts of the case. The ones that the cops did not release. Like, how much did she claim this man offered for the baby? What would be a fair price on the open market for a baby? Would the gender, colour, size make a difference?

I once had to counsel an employee who had been offered a baby for sale at the Social Security Office in Van Nuys. Not being a particularly bright lad, he had taken the womans phone number and told her that he had a sister who might be interested, having tried for several years to conceive without success. I listened with amazement as he told me about this and how he had arranged for his sister to come into town and meet the woman and the baby. He seemed quite sure that he was doing a service to the community by taking this kid of the womans hands and putting it into the hands of his barren sister. This is the same guy who without question, gave a vial of his blood to a nurse at a clinic because she told him she needed it for a "school project". Like I said, not too bright....

My advice to the nanny? All you had to do was pretend you had the shits or a bad knee or something? Fuck, couldn't you have just used the old "time of the month" routine? Womens problems? You could have said that little Irving had a temperature and you didn't want to risk it. If you are going to lie, make it fuckin believable.....

27 comments:

D. C. Warmington said...

The trouble with babies, and children in general, is that there is no "cooling-off" period, no warranty, not even a user's guide. The idea of helping yourself to a kid you like the look of as a possible son or daughter, and then sending it back if disappointed, has a certain appeal, especially if the warranty period could be extended to, say, 50 years ...

ellie said...

Now you have messed up my next move. I was going to use temporary insanity caused by the time of the month as an excuse for selling my kids!
Back to the drawing board I guess.

Arrggh! The fuckers need fed again!

Eddie Waring said...

DCW - A capital idea. I am fairly sure though that my parents would have excercised their consumer rights long ago...

Ellie - Cage them in a darkened room and feed them dry pot noodles. Insanity is a fine reason for such behaviour. That preachers wife got off with trying to drown her kids in the bath. If it worked for her then you have no worries. Of course that was over here....enough said.

ellie said...

Dry pot nooodle would be a luxury compared to some of the shite I give them. I hide the food til past it's sell by date in the hope that they catch something!

Bock the Robber said...

Buy a baby?

How insane is that?

Buy a baby?

Listen. People who have babies would happily pay you to take the fuckers away.

Babies? Screaming all night. Puking down your back. Growing up to demand your last penny. Dad, I have a puncture. But I'm ninety three. Ah Dad, I'm broken down and I just had my nails done.

Babies? Fuck 'em!

Eddie Waring said...

Ellie - Are you sure you are cut out for mothering?

Bock - Babies? Fuck 'em! Thanks for a whole new batch of pedo google hits.

Troika said...

You're welcome.

ellie said...

"Are you sure you are cut out for mothering?"

Of xourse I'm not, why do you think I want rid of them?

Momentary Madness said...

The nanny I guess a bit (ever) green and the lad a bit of an empty vial. God I am with wit bright and early this morning.
Yes I always say you may as well be hung for a big lie as a small lie; that's why I always take a good and proper rest in the afternoon. You know I just might bond with your Spanish Nanny. Singing:
Born with the moon in Cancer
Choose her a name she will answer to
Call her green and the winters cannot fade her
Call her green for the children who've made her
Little green, she's a non-conformer". Cheers Eddie. Y:-) Paddy

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

What did you say to counsel him, Eddie? He sounds damn near uncounselable, that one.

Fat Sparrow said...

"An Encino Nanny came clean this week and admitted that her claims that some bloke was frequenting a local park and offering nannies money to buy the babies they were caring for, were false."

What kind of sick fuck would try to buy baby from Encino, anyway?!

Mr. Warmington has the right idea. I kept (and still have) the receipt from the hospital where I gave birth to my daughter. I've always told her that she had better behave, because I have the receipt for her. She believed me. Of course, this is the daughter that fell for the berry farm thing, so what can you expect?

Eddie Waring said...

Troika - Eh?

Ellie - Put 'em in the Exchange & Mart. Either you sell em and make some money or the Social Services see it and take them away. Either way, you are rid.

Paddy - Or as I like to say,"If you are going to be hung for stealing a sheep you might as well shag it as well."

Sam - I beat him about the head and ridiculed his stupidity. Isn't that what counseling is all about?

FS - That's funny. We do too. The hospital fucked up and billed the wrong insurance who then sent us the bill for $11,000....how we laughed.

Troika said...

You're welcome - to the google hits mate. Geddit? Geddit?

Old Knudsen said...

I'm with DC, can I call him DC? Why would you want a baby? ehy not a young hot 16 year old? well ok maybe thats too young for me how about a hot young 64 year old? as for that Paddy the bloke is a nutter.

Anonymous said...

I did spend a time working as a baby trafficker - but I couldn't stand the noise and had to pack it in - still have some of the old connections should anyone be interested?

Gorilla Bananas said...

I like babies. You can talk utter nonsense to them and they love it. Wait a minute...a lot of blog readers are like that.

Kav said...

Sound advice sir. I'm sick and tired of coming home to Linzi's hare-brained excuses for why the house is a disaster. Oh, she's exhausted. Oh, she doesn't know if she can cope anymore. Oh, she needs a break from the relationship to consider our marriage. What-ever. Blah blah blah.

FirstNations said...

geeze. babies are a do it yourself project, as i recall. buy one? pfft.
dizzy cow.

D. C. Warmington said...

Ms First Nations

Now that scientists have produced a spermatozoon from a woman's gall-bladder (or armpit, or something), you are quite right about the DIY aspect of procreation.

A great weight off men's shoulders, I should say. Not to mention their knees.

Momentary Madness said...

That last shag did you in no doubt.
Not a word. That'll teach you for shaggin' sheep. You must have a hell of a set of biceps to handle it I can tell you, I was a sheep shearer, a short lad from Scropshire, and you need a strong grip.

The Mistress said...

Throw us a bone, Eddie. Where are ya?

Eddie Waring said...

Troika - Now I see. Yes. Nice work there.

Knudsen - Why would you want a baby? An alibi?

Mutley - Socks is the answer. In their mouths, they can breathe through their noses. Quiets the screams.

GB - On that note, many babies make more sense than many bloggers I know. Myself included.

Kav - Sounds like you need a beer or several mate.

1stN - I know. The resale value is quite good though. Slow depreciation.

DCW - Carpenters knee pads are the answer. They do get quite sweaty though.

Paddy - Thanks for your kind, caring well wishes. As for the grip, I could crush a grape.

MJ - If its a bone you want....

Old Knudsen said...

Everyone knows you use yer wellys to anchor yer sheep with their back legs doon them, bloody easy. Babies don't give very reliable alibis they say ga ga goo goo, fucking mongs.

The Mistress said...

That's the kind of dirty talk I come back here for.

Troika said...

That's it, is it? Fuck off for a week and come back with a few one-line replies?

You fucking arrogant shit.

Anonymous said...

Troika is right -I live for your posts Mr Waring...

Eddie Waring said...

Knudsen - My wellys are at the menders having the holes melted back together. I'm also having some keys made at the same time.

MJ - You thought I didn't know?

Troika/Mutley - It's been a rough week lads. My sanity has been sorely tested. Thanks for sticking with me. I'm making a note of everyones loyalty. I will dedicate my next book to you all.