Legal Question

Change in urination
Vomiting
Diarreah
Depression
Listlessness
Loss of appetite

With the exception of loss of appetite, I have been suffering from all of the above at various times over the past several days. It can mean only one thing, acute renal failure.

Let's just suppose that if I had eaten some tainted pet food, and I'm not saying that I did, but let's just suppose that if I had become senselessly drunk and woken up next to three empty cans of Meaty Mega Chunks Rabbit Heart Flavour Dog Food, would I have a case?

There certainly isn't any kind of warning on the can advising me NOT to eat it, in fact the description on the label of "savoury, mouthwatering, tender cuts of meat in a thick luxurious gravy" is almost an invitation to eat it. And you know how it is when you have had a drink or a joint, not that I'm advocating drinking and smoking of weed, not at the same time anyway, that wouldn't be right, not on a Sunday.

I'm not looking for millions of dollars here, although if it's on offer I wouldn't say no. But surely some kind of compensation is in order. The sofa is ruined and so are some items of Mrs. Warings undergarments which I was definately not wearing at the time. The fuckin' dog isn't going to bathe itself either.....

Where the fuck is Johnnie Cochran when you need him?