Men Without Hats
Not the shit 80’s one hit wonders but a matter of opinion.
Mrs.Waring often says that the world was a better place when men wore hats. I suspect that by hats, she doesn’t mean cowboy hats* or sombreros because they are still worn by many men (and women), either because that’s the way they were brought up and tradition or local standards decree that they should, or because they are under the misguided impression that it is fashionable to do so. It’s also important to distinguish between a hat and a cap. Baseball caps, popular with balding men, teenage boys and Americans do not count as a hat. Neither do skull caps, Bobbie’s helmets, berets or woolly bob hats. No, the hat’s that she is referring to would be the kind worn by the likes of Humphrey Bogart and Harold Lloyd, a fedora or a straw boater. If Mrs.Waring had her way, I would not be leaving the house without first putting on a fedora and brushing the dog hair off my pinstripe woolen suit.
This is unlikely to happen because here in Los Angeles, where there once was a millinery store on every block, there is now a dearth of them. I’m sure that somewhere in this city one remains. A dark, musty, cobwebbed establishment where time has stood still for the last 40 years. Owned and operated by a 90 year old man named Orville and his life partner of 70 years, Herb. Everywhere you look, dust covered hat boxes made by a company long since out of business. A yellowing calendar on the wall showing a young couple sharing a hot dog and a cigarette announces today’s date, March 15, 1958. If such a store does exist, I would be surprised if they had any hats in stock that would fit my head. I would even go so far as to say that if they did have one, I would eat it. There is always the internet but I’m not comfortable submitting my hat size over the net. You can’t be too careful with all this identity fraud.
I am cursed with a head that is above average in diameter. I have no idea what the average diameter of an adult male head is. I should look it up just to make sure I am not misleading you. I just know this to be the case because I have a hard time finding sunglasses that fit. I have to wear those unfeasibly large “comedy” sunglasses you buy in Blackpool when you are totally wankered. As you can imagine, this just draws unwelcome attention from unruly youths when I venture out in the daytime. My daughter is embarrassed to be seen with me and elderly people hurriedly cross the street to avoid me. My eyes are extremely sensitive to bright sunshine and fly spray, so in addition to the need for sunglasses, I always have to remember to make sure the nozzle is pointing away from my face before attempting to kill a fly. Don’t worry though, this is less of a problem than it may seem.
So, was the world a better place when men wore hats? I’m not so sure, in fact I would have to counter that the world is better place now that men do not wear hats. To back up this argument I would have to say that the advances in technology alone over the last 20 years have made our lives simpler and more enjoyable. Does Bill Gates wear a hat? Not to my knowledge. Have you ever seen Stephen Hawking sporting a titfer? I doubt it. What about poverty? Did the wearing of hats en masse help avoid the great depression? Not one bit. What of medical science? Would we be any closer to finding a cure for cancer if we all put on a hat? Highly unlikely, I don’t think I need to go on.
So, to close, I say “Mrs.Waring, you are full of shit.” At least I would if I thought it would not provoke another beating with the rolling pin.
*Cowboy Hats – Surprisingly more popular since Brokeback Mountain when I would have thought they would be less popular, at least in Texas.
Mrs.Waring often says that the world was a better place when men wore hats. I suspect that by hats, she doesn’t mean cowboy hats* or sombreros because they are still worn by many men (and women), either because that’s the way they were brought up and tradition or local standards decree that they should, or because they are under the misguided impression that it is fashionable to do so. It’s also important to distinguish between a hat and a cap. Baseball caps, popular with balding men, teenage boys and Americans do not count as a hat. Neither do skull caps, Bobbie’s helmets, berets or woolly bob hats. No, the hat’s that she is referring to would be the kind worn by the likes of Humphrey Bogart and Harold Lloyd, a fedora or a straw boater. If Mrs.Waring had her way, I would not be leaving the house without first putting on a fedora and brushing the dog hair off my pinstripe woolen suit.
This is unlikely to happen because here in Los Angeles, where there once was a millinery store on every block, there is now a dearth of them. I’m sure that somewhere in this city one remains. A dark, musty, cobwebbed establishment where time has stood still for the last 40 years. Owned and operated by a 90 year old man named Orville and his life partner of 70 years, Herb. Everywhere you look, dust covered hat boxes made by a company long since out of business. A yellowing calendar on the wall showing a young couple sharing a hot dog and a cigarette announces today’s date, March 15, 1958. If such a store does exist, I would be surprised if they had any hats in stock that would fit my head. I would even go so far as to say that if they did have one, I would eat it. There is always the internet but I’m not comfortable submitting my hat size over the net. You can’t be too careful with all this identity fraud.
I am cursed with a head that is above average in diameter. I have no idea what the average diameter of an adult male head is. I should look it up just to make sure I am not misleading you. I just know this to be the case because I have a hard time finding sunglasses that fit. I have to wear those unfeasibly large “comedy” sunglasses you buy in Blackpool when you are totally wankered. As you can imagine, this just draws unwelcome attention from unruly youths when I venture out in the daytime. My daughter is embarrassed to be seen with me and elderly people hurriedly cross the street to avoid me. My eyes are extremely sensitive to bright sunshine and fly spray, so in addition to the need for sunglasses, I always have to remember to make sure the nozzle is pointing away from my face before attempting to kill a fly. Don’t worry though, this is less of a problem than it may seem.
So, was the world a better place when men wore hats? I’m not so sure, in fact I would have to counter that the world is better place now that men do not wear hats. To back up this argument I would have to say that the advances in technology alone over the last 20 years have made our lives simpler and more enjoyable. Does Bill Gates wear a hat? Not to my knowledge. Have you ever seen Stephen Hawking sporting a titfer? I doubt it. What about poverty? Did the wearing of hats en masse help avoid the great depression? Not one bit. What of medical science? Would we be any closer to finding a cure for cancer if we all put on a hat? Highly unlikely, I don’t think I need to go on.
So, to close, I say “Mrs.Waring, you are full of shit.” At least I would if I thought it would not provoke another beating with the rolling pin.
*Cowboy Hats – Surprisingly more popular since Brokeback Mountain when I would have thought they would be less popular, at least in Texas.
5 comments:
So you're saying you look like one of them grey aliens that probed me? a flat cap is a manly head covering, as I have said before,"a Blogger without a cap is to be mocked".
No, a man in a flat cap is a man who deserves respect. It is my destiny that one day, I too will wear one with pride.
you are on yer way to win the golden cap of shite talkers 2007, I have held this position for many years.
They should let you keep it like they let Brazil keep the old world cup and then made a new one to give everyone else a glimmer of false hope.
Of course you'll wear a flat cap - you're a northern bastard.
Fact: Wearing a baseball cap automatically knocks 50 points off your IQ.
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