Merseyside Pensioners Set For Windfall

Thanks to a little known clause in the small print, Merseyside pensioners are set to benefit from the County’s twin State in the USA. The State of California, suffering from a cold snap, has ordered the removal of thousands of frost damaged oranges and lemons from orchards across the State. Merseyside was twinned with California in 1997 after the European Court ordered the previous twinning with West Beirut null and void in 1996. That twinning, which was said to include a suicide pact, came to a premature end after a dispute broke out over who should have custody of former Liverpool and Scotland hard man Graeme Souness over Christmas. After a year without a twin region, Merseyside councilors while on a fortnight long, all expenses paid fact finding mission to sunny California struck a deal citing the similarities between the one of the world’s largest economies and home of the rich and famous, and the County known worldwide as the birth place of Freddy & The Dreamers and for it’s alarmingly high crime and unemployment figures as the reasoning behind the deal.

According to the terms of the agreement, in the event of damage to California's citrus crop by “frost, flooding or other act of God, Merseyside will receive and distribute said crop to its elderly and infirm”. In return, Merseyside agreed to pay for the repatriation of any Scousers that attempted to enter California. Since the signing of the agreement, theft of hubcaps in the State has declined by 90% and the theft of charity collection boxes from bars has almost been eliminated.

Some of the pensioners we spoke to could barely conceal their delight. Mrs. Elsie Harris of Toxteth who lost her husband Barry to scurvy last year said “Eeeh! I can’t believe it. I’ve not had an orange in years. Well one’s too much when you’re on your own like I am”. Johnny Codger of Huyton also appreciates the generosity, “I wanted an orange just last week but only had enough of my pension left to buy my meths. Now thanks to California I can have oranges and lemons as well”. Fred Diamond of Croxteth was overjoyed, “I had my false teeth stolen in 1969 and can only eat mush and pulp so this is great. I can’t wait!”

Not everyone is happy though. Irene O’Reilly of Bootle said “They can keep their fuckin’ fruit. They can stick it up their arse for all I care. Why don’t they send us something nice like Mr.Kipling’s French Fancies or some digestive biscuits?”

We spoke to local Postman and old peoples rights campaigner Billy Shingles who agreed that the donated fruit was too little too late. “Why do we have to wait for some gift from a foreign country before our old folks can enjoy a nice bit of fruit? Some of these people have never even seen a banana. They have forgotten what apricots taste like and they don’t think cumquat is a dirty word. This government should do more, these people fought a war so we could have fresh fruit and all they get is other country’s rubbish.”

Less lucky are the thousands of fruit pickers across California who will lose their livelihood until the trees bear new fruit. A spokesman for the California Fruit Advisory Commission said in a telephone interview, “We regret that this situation has had such a negative impact on California’s illegal immigrant population. We are committed to doing all we can to help them stay warm and dry throughout the winter and have supplied a list of names and addresses to the Government to see if they can assist in relocating them, possibly back to Mexico where they belong.” When we called the office of the United Farm Workers Union to ask for their comments on the situation, the person who when told of the plans to help suddenly said "No habla ingles amigo” and hung up.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger declined to be interviewed but issued a statement that said, “This is a win/win situation for all concerned. The elderly people of Merseyside get to enjoy better quality fruit than they have ever had, while we in California avoid a potential health crisis and relieve the strain on our economy by deporting thousands of illegal immigrants. In case any other English Counties are interested we have several thousand tons of E.Coli tainted lettuce available for trade. We are particularly interested in reducing the amount of alcohol related crime in the State and this is the ideal time to strike a deal.”

The first batch of rotten fruit pulp is due to arrive in Liverpool sometime in early February.