Cheapskates Rejoice!

I love Top Tips. The kind that lonely old housewives send in to the newspaper or Readers Digest. Money saving, time tested and downright bizarre ideas to use the unusable or left over household items that would otherwise be chucked out. Viz used to publish some funny fake ones, they probably still do, but there is no substitute for the real thing.
Way back in the 40's or 50's, when money was tight and resources scarce, the Manchester Evening News published a pamphlet comprised of tips sent in by readers, turns out some lad found a copy while scrounging through his mam's sideboard after she died and contacted the MEN. This kind of thing is gold to journos as it fills up a whole page and saves them having to write about something newsworthy.
So, whats good for the goose is good for the.....er....other goose. I'm filling up space with this shite instead of putting some thought into a decent post. I offer for your enjoyment, some of the best, most creative ways you could ever imagine to save a shilling.

Around the Clock - It is a great help to blind people like myself to be told just how their food is placed on the plate.For instance, the meat at six o’clock, potatoes at nine, vegetables at twelve, and so on around the clock. Mrs D. Abel. Levenshulme. So, let me make sure I have this right. You want someone to constantly update you, while you eat, as to what time your food is at on the plate? How do you suggest we handle gravy? Puddle from 3 to 3.30? What if the peas move around or get separated? This is the stupidest idea I have ever heard. How long does it take to figure out where the fuckin food is on a plate? It's because of people like this that blind folks have a reputation for being lazy. They want everything done for them.

Fresh with Coal - To keep a lettuce fresh, place it in cold water with a small, clean lump of coal.The mineral properties in the coal will keep it fresh. Change the water occasionally and it will keep about a week.Coal also revives limp lettuce. M. Neild. Miles Platting Coal? Fuckin coal? Have you ever seen a "clean" lump of coal? "Mum...this lettuce tastes like coal again". How the fuck can "limp" lettuce be revived? Throw the fucker out missus, it's minging.

Keep your Milk Cool in a Pair of Old Socks - Use the sock treatment for keeping milk icy cold during the hot weather. Wet a pair of socks, wool preferably. Put the legs over the bottle of milk, and dangle the toes in a basin of cold water.You will be surprised how this keeps the milk cold even on the warmest day. Mrs Isabel Ward. Levenshulme. Obviously pre-refrigeration but I'm not eating or drinking anything that's been wrapped in old wet socks. Where the fuck did she get this idea from? Bored one afternoon, watching the milk get warm, spots the dog playing with a pair of old socks and "Eureka!"

Onions without Tears - To prevent “tears“ when peeling onions, put a couple of matchsticks in the mouth, holding them between the teeth (with the phosphorus end pointing out.)Miss C. Cruikshank. Timperley. I doubt this works. How can it? Can someone prove me wrong? Did I miss something in science class?

Easy Change - When baby is sitting up in his baby bath, this is the time to introduce him to the bathroom: by placing the baby bath in the large bath.This way when he is too large for his baby bath, the change over from one to the other presents less difficulty.Mrs J. Cook. Denton. Leaving you free to finish up that Mills & Boone novel. Wait, was that splashing and gurgling I just heard......? Probably just our Albert having a shit. Little Gerald is a bit quiet, just finish this page and I'll go and check on him....

Take your Time - That old alarm clock which will no longer tick need not be thrown away; it has many uses yet. For instance, set the hands to the time when you put that cake in the oven, baby’s feeding time, hair appointment friends’ visit: surprising how the list can grow.Mrs A. Bell, Rusholme What???? This is ridiculous. These are precisely the reasons why you would need a WORKING alarm clock. What fucken use is a broken alarm clock? Let's see..... Grandad needs his heart medication at 7 on the dot or he will die, I'll just set the hands to....6.45.....and have a little snooze....there, fuckin sorted.

Rub Away Those Aches and Pains - Here’s my tonic against rheumatism. It does not cure but gives quick relief.2oz olive oil.2oz surgical spirit.Mix well together and rub for 15 minutes morning and night.It has been tried several times and given relief. One person could hardly hobble about. She used it and got relief.Now she is never without it.Miss Jones. Didsbury.Yeah, rub it in baby, rub it in good......oooh, aarrgh that fuckin smarts, gerrit off, gerrit off me, wash the fucker off it's burning like a cunt!

Wart Killer - To clear warts, boil some potatoes and, with the water in which they are boiled bathe the warts.At the end of a week, they will have nearly, if not quite, gone.This remedy I have proved successful when all others had failed.Mrs G W. Salford. Nearly if not quite gone? Then how can you claim it to be successful, Mum? It didn't get rid of the warts did it Mum? It only nearly, if not quite got rid of them didn't it Mum and that's no fucken use is it Mum? I don't want any warts, if they are only nearly gone then they are still fucken there aren't they Mum? Sandra will never let me get my tops and fingers at this rate....

Cure For Burns - Here is my tip for dealing with quite common burns from cooking or ironing.Dissolve a handful of cooking salt in a pint of boiling water. Allow the mixture to go cold, then bottle and leave the bottle on a shelf near the stove.Any burns can then be dealt with by pouring the solution into a bowl and keeping the finger or hand or foot immersed for 5 to 10 minutes.Result: no pain or blistering from quite severe burns.K Ridyard. Didsbury. Yeah, that's right, no pain or blistering from the quite severe burns but plunging red raw flesh into salt water will make yer arsehole wink. Who the fuck burns their foot cooking or ironing anyway? Sadistic bitch.