Simple Pleasures

This may be old news to those of you in the UK, but as I only just got the January edition of The Union Jack it's new to me.

Apparently some lad in Grimsby was doing some DIY in his home and found a dripping butty wrapped in newspaper behind a wall he was taking down. The newspaper it was wrapped in was dated 1904, making the butty 102 years old. He claims it was perfectly preserved but the soft bugger wouldn't take a bite and try it. Probably because he, like many others have been brainwashed by the Government and the makers of oily tasteless shite like I Can't Believe I Bought This, that beef dripping is bad for you. This is bollocks. Nowhere on earth is dripping more good for you than in Britain. The following collection of bullshit proves it:

• At the National Institute of Sports Science in Whitehaven, 8 out of 10 researchers agree that consuming dripping before swimming makes you more waterproof. Olympic gold medallist Duncan Goodhew confirmed this when interviewed by Dickie Davis in 1980. He said "...swimming fast has 'nowt to do wi' bein' a slap head.....it's all about the dripping."
• England's 1966 World Cup winning squad had dripping butty's for breakfast the day they beat the krauts.
• On June 6th, 1944 the allies didn't have an emergency cottage cheese sandwich made with 2 slices of Nimble. They had a beef dripping butty that looked like a doorstep. It was also intended as an emergency flotation device should they fall off the boat. In fact, the real reason that the invasion was put back a day from June 5th was not bad weather and high seas, it was because they ran out of dripping. Dripping donation centers were set up in church halls and the Great British Public came to the rescue. So much dripping was donated that the leftovers were used to waterproof the Cerne Abbas giant.
• During the 1984-85 miners strike, Arthur Scargill insisted on "the provision of one dripping butty per miner per day to be paid for by the National Coal Board". This proved to be the major sticking point in negotiations. Thatcher agreed to provide the bread but the union would have to buy their own dripping. Scargill refused, the tories won and all the mines closed down for ever.
• In 1981, Bobby Sands started another hunger strike in the HM Prison Maze in Northern Ireland. The strikers originally had six demands. The rights not to wear uniforms, not to do prison work, to associate freely with other prisoners, to organize their own educational and recreational activities, to receive one letter, one parcel and one visit per week(technically three demands in one, clever bastards) and finally the right to "all you can eat" dripping butty's on Thursday's. They dropped the sixth demand after the first day as the smell of dripping being piped into the cells by the guards was weakening their resolve.
• In 1983, the Aga Khan sold his shares in Amalgamated British Paraffin and Dripping to pay the IRA and Colonel Gadaffi £2 million in ransom money for the kidnapped Shergar. When the thick as fuck Irish kidnappers forgot to call back and arrange an exchange, the Aga Khan used the money to buy Blackpool's North Pier which he shortened by 50 meters to make it more pleasing to the eye.

I'm getting fed up with this now.