A Lesson Learned

Today I learned a simple yet valuable lesson. Soy milk tastes like shit. I will not be buying it again, instead I will put the money saved into the swear jar to pay for the foul language I used after swallowing a mouthful of this filth.

In an effort to eat and be healthy, I decided to give Soy milk a try. Less calories than regular milk, less carbs, lactose and fat free. Unfortunately the absence or extraction of these things leave little to be enjoyed, unless you like goat felching and do it for the taste rather than sexual gratification.

I was beginning to suspect that milk was one of the root causes of my farting problem as I haven’t been drinking much of it lately and have noticed a marked decrease in gas. Here I must point out that by ‘problem’ I mean it is a problem for Mrs. Waring, not for me. I enjoy farting, it amuses me no end and I believe it to be good for bonding both at home and in social settings. It breaks the ice at parties and puts an end to uncomfortable silences at the dinner table when there is little to be said. Unlike most jokes, a fart is understood by all. It is universal and anybody who is offended by them has no sense of humour.

So I bought some Soy milk last night at the store and was actually looking forward to a nice cold glass. I expected it to taste much like Horchata, the Mexican milky rice drink but I was wide of the mark. It doesn’t taste anything like Horchata, in fact it doesn’t taste like anything I have ever tasted before. It doesn’t taste like tofu, which is soy protein, right? It doesn’t taste like Garden Burgers which are made from soy. It doesn’t taste like Soy Sauce either. It’s probably better that it doesn’t taste like any of those things cause that would be just as bad as it is now, if not worse. Can you imagine pouring nice cold liquid Garden Burger on your Weetabix? Or a lovely warm glass of tofu before bed? It would not be very pleasant at all. No, not at all.

So who drinks and actually enjoys this stuff? Trader Joe’s have a whole section devoted to it, they sell it in a variety of flavours. I’m sure that nobody buys it for the taste. They are either vegan or they are lactose intolerant. In the first case they made their own bed, in the latter they should give up, accept the farting and laugh along with the rest of us.

These folks make their own Soy Milk. Look how happy they are!