A Treat To Eat

Like millions of people all over the World, I too made the same old New Years resolution to lose weight and start yet another diet on January 1^st. The first day went well, mostly due to the fact that I slept all day, woke for an hour or two to drink a couple of Stella Artois then went back to bed and slept through the night. Yesterday started well, I went to the store and bought some green leaf salad, cooked chicken breast and some cherry tom-ah-toes and ate a very healthy lunch.

It was my turn for late night coverage at work and so I didn’t get home until after 7pm at which time, like many millions of people all over the world said “Fuck it!” and opened a bottle of wine which I then drank quickly. So you know how it goes, you have a drink or two and get the hunger. I will eat practically anything at that point, generally the spicier the better, but in the absence of frozen curries or cans of chili, improvisation is the key.

I am no culinary genius. I can cook, pretty well in fact given that I am a) male, b) English, and c) a proper lazy fucker when I’m at home. When I put my mind to things, plan and buy the ingredients I can actually turn out something that is both edible and tasty. Mrs. Waring is a much luckier woman than most of you probably think.

So last night, looking through the cupboards and weighing up the options, it became obvious that I was going to have to employ my talents and creativity if my hunger was to be satisfied. I threw the ingredients in a saucepan and just 5 minutes later was sitting in bed next to the wife with a tasty bedtime treat.

“What the fuck are you eating?”

“I’m hungry. I made it myself.”

“Jesus Christ! A bowl of beans….”

“Not just any beans. Baked Beans a la Mexicano. It’s fuckin’ ace.”

“Shit….I hope you took some Beano.”

“No, we are out. I would have though if we had any.”

“For fuck’s sake, open the window….”

Happily I ate my beans, mopping up the sauce with 2 slices of bread. It was one of the most enjoyable meals I had eaten for quite some time and it was barely 10 minutes before the magic began to work. A series of long, loud ripsnorters tore through the silence of the bedroom, scenting the normally stale sweaty sock (hers) air with a most unsavoury miasma. How I laughed as the punches rained down on me….. for anyone interested, the recipe is as follows:

1 Tin Heinz Baked Beans

1 Teaspoon Garlic Powder

8 Dashes Tapatio Hot Sauce

Empty into pan, heat until hot. Add more tapatio to taste. Enjoy with your partner. Serves 1.

Food Of The Gods