Tired

A restless night last night, scared that the Shrek dream would return to haunt me, I spent the night tossing (yes, very funny) and turning. It's strange though that only the bad dreams are really memorable. I can't remember the last good dream that I had beyond the Olympic shitting dream of a week or so ago (still no reply from the IOC by the way).

Somebody should invent some kind of dream capture device, possibly a hard hat lined with tin foil wired to an old Polaroid camera. On second thoughts, a Polaroid may not be practical due to the cost of the films, although you could probably pick up the camera from a charity shop for next to nowt. If anyone is interested in working on such an invention, I am willing to split the proceeds. We could perhaps apply for some kind of grant from Richard Branson or Prince Charles. Free money is the best kind of money and ideal for gambling with as you don't incur any personal losses. The hookers don't seem to mind either, money is money to their sort. We could use our winnings from the gambling to buy the hat and the tin foil. Email me if you are up for it.

Speaking of twats (Branson, Charlie), I'm extremely annoyed at my dentist for failing to do a filling when I first told him about it over a year ago. I told him again six months ago and he told me not to worry, then on my last check up a couple of weeks ago he decided that it finally needed doing. So I go in yesterday and after the normal pre-dentalwork routine (cough and drop etc.) he starts to drill away. After a minute or two of poking around (ha-ha!) he informs me that I now need a fuckin' root canal, the sadistic bastard. This will be the 2nd one this year and comes at a time when I can ill afford the expense.

I have always had my suspicions about dentists. They can tell you practically anything, and just like plumbers and car mechanics, they more or less have a license to print their own money. Up until a couple of years ago, I didn't go to a dentist for about 7 years and when I finally got over the fear and went in for a check up, all I needed apart from a good cleaning was one filling to replace an old one that had fallen out. So why then, in the two years since I started going again have I needed more work done than in the 7 previous years of not fucking going? Call me a cynic but I think he's taking the piss. I will be removing him from the xmas card list if he's not careful.

Trust Me, I'm a Dentist

Dentists are getting a bum rap these days. Don't misunderstand me, they deserve it, the sadistic bastards. Not only do they practically have a license to print their own money but mine recently went on a two week vacation, leaving me with a temporary filling where there should have been a crown, then he came back all suntanned and smiling only to inflict upon me 2 hours of misery and a temporary crown made of metal. So now I have to go back again next week for the real thing.

First of all, MJ exposed the antics of one dirty dentist who got himself into a spot of bother for relieving himself in the sink and cleaning his ears with his dental tools. As I lay in the chair the other day, I thought about this as everything the fucker does when he isn't poking around inside my mouth or telling me to look to the side and cough, he does behind me. He could be up to all sorts of things back there. Shooting up with heroin, making faces behind my back, fondling the assistant. Who knows?

Then I read about the 'dentist' in Florida who was arrested and charged with performing dental work without a license in his filthy garage. Roger Bean was being held on $6,000 bond for allegedly performing denture fittings of the false teeth he was making in the filthy conditions of his garage. He was charging patients $200 for what would normally cost them $2,000.

Another satisfied customer....

Ron St.Mary, 73, head of the local neighbourhood crime watch said that Bean was no criminal. "He's helping the old people who don't have a few dollars, I think the world of him."
I'm not sure that this is the kind of man who you would want heading up your local neighbourhood crime watch. He obviously endorses criminal activity if the elderly benefit from it, so presumably if I were to go and rob a pharmacy and sell the drugs to the likes of Ron for less than what they would normally pay, that would be okay. I think you just lost the next election Ron and I would watch it if I were you, that kind of talk could lead to impeachment.

Then I read about a Polish dentist operating in England and Scotland who was responsible for a catalog of mistakes including perforating a womans nose when she missed the mark with the needle, giving someone unnecessary dentures, drilling through the wrong tooth and using twice the normal concentration of bleach during a root canal treatment which caused the patients face to swell up and possible nerve damage. " I meant no harm," said the dentist.

At least Roger Bean's patients appreciated him enough not to sue him.

Dentists, Cell Phones and American Idol

I haven’t posted since Saturday. This is not good. I have wanted to post, had ideas to post but just never got around to doing it. It’s already Wednesday and I am wondering where the week is going to.

It isn’t just posting that is suffering, I don’t seem to be getting much accomplished at work either. Paperwork is piling up on my desk to the point where it usually gets knocked accidentally into the bin, at which time coffee is accidentally spilled on it rendering it useless. My desk looks nice and clean and organized for a few days and anything really important will no doubt find its way back there.

Today has been a fuckin’ waste. I had grand plans for today. Today was gonna be the day that I got on top of things, got organized and set myself up for a relatively relaxed end to the work week. Naturally, things did not pan out the way I had visualized they would.

Most of the morning spent in the fuckin’ dentist’s chair. Bad news is I need a root canal. Good news is, he said my prostate felt just fine.

Balance of the morning at the fuckin’ Verizon store exchanging a new cell phone which does not want to send picture messages. Got a new phone after standing there for 45 minutes listening to the poor assistant trying hard to explain to an angry, poorly educated and extremely ugly Armenian girl why her bill was $600. She seemed to be struggling to connect all the international calls she claimed she didn’t make to Armenia with the relevant charges on the bill. Anyway, I got the phone exchanged, should have checked it at the store, didn’t, got back to work and found that I am still unable to send pictures of my balls to my daughter’s kindergarten teacher. It’s probably a good thing really.

All this, when I should have been at work being productive, put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day, and made hard work of dealing with imbeciles and being empathetic.

Lastly, American Idol, I don’t watch it. I don’t watch any of those shows. I physically can’t. I would like to suggest a spin off though, possibly on pay-per-view, as I believe the demand for it would be worthy of such an event.
‘Farting Idol’, why not put peoples flatulence to the vote of the American people? Get America’s finest parpers, quackers, queefers and honkers up against each other in a weekly TV spectacular. They can fart along to their favourite tunes, rip an arpeggio or two, squeak out messages in morse code or simply go for broke with the best rip snorter they can muster up. You could have an outtakes special comprised of people who followed through or drew mud while over exerting themselves. This is a fuckin’ winner.

Tell me you wouldn’t pay to watch this and I will call you a liar…..