Hands For Hire

Forever on the look out for ways in which I can serve my fellow man (and woman, especially woman) I have found the answer to Cameron Diaz' door knob phobia while at the same time providing a job to a very deserving individual.

Jeff Kepner lost both hands and feet to a bacterial infection about a decade ago (should have used Purell) and recently became the proud owner of two new hands as the first person to receive a double hand transplant in the United States.

Not sure about the length of those forearms.

As you can see from the picture, Jeff is rediscovering the non-stop excitement of Connect 4 and plans on trying his hand at Buckaroo! next. I don't know about you but after 10 years without hands instead of wasting my time playing games I would be beating my cock like it owed me money, especially if it felt like it was someone else doing it. Tell me that you would not be doing the same and I will call you a liar. Jeff has only had his new mitts for a couple of months so there is still some way to go before he is fully rehabilitated but I am sure he would be more than happy to take on the role of official door opener for Diaz.
There is still the issue of him having no feet but this could easily be solved by finding someone who has both feet but no hands and strapping Jeff to the back of this person thereby creating not one but two jobs.Genius...surely there is a place in Barry Obama's cabinet for me?

Please Wash Your Hands

So I recently read somewhere that Cameron Diaz is afraid of door knobs. This doesn't surprise me, she has always seemed like a bit of an uppity bitch to me and it isn't too much of a stretch to believe that she has a problem with us "common" folk. I do have to say though that I can almost sympathize with her after an unfortunate incident during a power outage while I was using a train station restroom a couple of years back. As I explained to the Police Officer at the time, I was fumbling for the door knob, it was very dark and hey, it was a mistake anyone could make and does not mean I am gay.

Anyway, I had read that she uses her elbows to open doors, I assume that this is in the absence of anyone to open them for her. I would like to see her do this in front of a bunch of people with no hands and explain to THEM why she doesn't like touching door knobs. These poor bastards would give their right hand (if they had one) just to be able to open a door with their left and here she is with TWO perfectly good hands refusing to use them. Pathetic.

Of course this could be just another example of an over privileged and ungrateful Hollywood star out to grab the headlines with a story of their outrageous behaviour but if she really is a germaphobe, then she could carry some Purell or wear some gloves. For crying out loud...make an effort Diaz! I feel that it is my duty to point out here, just because I know what you are all thinking, that wanking yourself off with Purell and rubber gloves is NOT recommended, especially if you have any open sores on or around your genitals. Don't ask me how I know, I just know. Let's leave it at that shall we? Yes.

I also have to say that this is personally disappointing to me. She was fairly high on my list of women who I would allow to give me a blow job should we ever find ourselves stuck in a lift. She was actually #8, sandwiched between #9, a young Penelope Keith and #7 Nigella Lawson but since she is afraid to touch a door knob in case she catches a cold, it seems unlikely that she would be enthusiastic about taking a load in the mouth. So she has been struck off the list, for now. Ladies....I have an opening...

10 Things That I Can Claim To Have Done Since My Last Post That No One Can Prove Aren't True

It's been a long time. I know. I have probably been given up for dead by many of the faithful contributors who used to frequent this blog. I can only hope that some will welcome me back, if not with open open arms than at least with the same disgust and contempt that they previously showed me.

Doubtless some will ask questions. Where have you been? What have you been doing? Do you have that money I loaned you? The respective answers are nowhere, nothing and fuck off. I personally prefer to think of the last 9 months as a gestation period of sorts, after all I have put on a few pounds and developed more pronounced moobs along with a craving for kippered mackerel. Now, after 9 months of somewhat sober living, at last, a re-birth. I feel like I am born again. For the nosey fuckers amongst you who really want to know what I have been doing since October 25th 2008, you will have to decide which, if any, of the following are true.

1. Successfully avoided capture as the naked doorbell ringer of Gilroy.
2. Masturbated with a slinky then returned it to the store because it "wasn't springy enough".
3. Donated a pair of poorly sequined socks to a charity auction that had been worn by Michael Jackson which he gave to me because they had a hole in the toe.
4. Took advantage of a free trial at "Curves" under the name "Edwina Waring"
5. Passed out counterfeit "Buy 1 Get 1 Free" coupons for Depends at the local senior center.
6. Been kicked out of Curves after being caught sniffing the seat of the exercise bike.
7. Sent numerous emails to both Salt "N" Pepa asking them to nominate their favourite flavour of Sun Chips. I prefer French Onion.
8. Sent numerous emails to Sun Chips asking them to nominate their favourite 1980's female rap group. I prefer the Cookie Crew.
   
9. Received cease and desist orders from attorneys representing Salt N Pepa, Frito Lay and Cookie Crew.
10. Put a booger in the pick your own loose cashew nuts bin at Safeway every time I go in (at least 2x a week).

Where's Waring?

The Waring Family has relocated. The last three months have been busy and stressful to say the least. The Bay Area real estate market is fuckin' astronomically expensive and we are finally moving into our new home in about a week.

I will be back in a week or two. Until then, continue to blog amongst yourselves.

This Little Piggy Went To.....?

As you know, I loves me a tale of the unexpected. An oddity, something or someone, an event or happening of such singularity that many might find disturbing or just not worth their time are things upon which I waste most of mine. A story in today's weird news section caught my eye and is worthy of mention.

First off, if I was going to go get me a dog, I think I would be going to get me a miniature dachshund. I'm not someone particularly attracted by the cuteness factor of animals but these little buggers are as cute as they come. Known as "sausage dogs" in England they appear to be the ideal dog to torment while they sleep. Small and not particularly agile, they look like they would be a good dog to tickle and poke with straws without fear of being savaged if they got angry.

Anyway, there is one less miniature dachshund in the world today after an Illinois woman had hers put down because it ate her big toe while she was asleep. Roscoe, the dog, was euthanized because of safety concerns when the woman awoke after a nap on Monday to find her big toe missing. The 56 year old diabetic had no nerve feeling in her toes and slept soundly while Roscoe nibbled away. The dog it seems had been attracted to the toe which had been bandaged due to a healing hangnail.

Cute but don't fuck with them while they eat

So I have questions. Once they had offed Roscoe, where they able to retrieve the toe from his little tummy and re-attach it to it's owner? Did they find the toe in one of Roscoe's little turds out in the garden and re-attach it? I don't understand why they had to put him down. It's not his fault, he must have been hungry. Perhaps there were no kibbles and bits left in his little bowl and in an attempt to wake his sleeping owner he began licking her toes and just got a bit carried away. He didn't know that she had no feeling in them and since she didn't kick him away why would he not eat the toe?

Diabetes isn't funny but dogs eating the toes of diabetics while they sleep is. Precautions should have been taken like wearing socks or slippers which might have prevented this from happening. Also it might be an idea to find a food that you dog does not like (this can be challenging) and use it to keep the dog away from your nerve damaged body parts. For instance, our dog, although he enjoys most foods, does not like the chips from McDonalds so if I had nerve damaged toes and were intent on napping barefoot I would probably place a chip between each toe and scotch tape some to the soles of my feet, thus preventing him from eating any part of my foot.

Another victim. This man's toes were eaten by his hamster, Ice Cube.

Lastly, I can only imagine the shock of waking from a nice restful nap to find that your big toe has gone missing. It would take a moment or two to sink in. What reasonable explanation could there be? It just fell off and rolled under the bed? Had the high value of big toes on the black market sparked an increase in theft? I'm not sure that "the dog ate it" would be the first conclusion I would jump to.

This lass has the right idea. If you must eat toes,
eat your own....topless (does not apply to dogs, blokes or kids.)

Further research on this story has found that the woman also suffered from neuropathy, was legally blind in one eye and cannot walk had returned from a camping trip (?) with her family the previous day and no doubt shagged out by the ordeal of being fetched, carried and pushed around in a wheelchair for 3 days decided to take a nap. She awoke to see the dogs head moving up and down and upon realizing what was occurring called her daughter.

"It's hard to take in when you walk in a room and there's a dog eating your mom," her daughter said, sobbing. ".... I didn't think when I went in there I was going to see that." Well... who would?

You can read the story, if you wish, here.

I am developing an idea for a whole new line of doggie treats.

More Smoothness

It has become apparent to me that airports and airplanes are popular hunting grounds for single man trying to find a mate. In my last post I told you about the sad bastard hitting on a poor female on a plane. Last night I was witness to yet another attempt to by a man to "get him some." This time it was much less painful for the victims as this guy had no game whatsoever. It was over in a matter of seconds. I did feel a bit sorry for the lad, a middle aged black fella who I had earlier seen talking to three cops by the security checkpoint. Either he had aroused their suspicions and was being questioned about his behaviour or he was simply trying to preempt any possible suspicion they may have by being cordial to them. I don't know.

Anyway, I'm sitting at the gate trying to get through some emails and I notice the girl sat opposite me is reading a copy of Einstein: His Life And Universe. The black lad has noticed her too and sits down two seats away from her, leans across and taps her on the shoulder. "Excuse me" he says, "how is the book?" She seems a little surprised but smiles and replies "oh....it's quite good, I haven't read much yet, only got it yesterday."
"Hmmm....really? I almost bought it you know. I'm fascinated by great minds like his" he says. "Yes, he really was incredible. I couldn't make my mind up but eventually I bought Sting's autobiography instead." !!!!!!!!!!!!
What the fuck? He is fascinated by great minds yet has trouble deciding between Einstein and Sting??? I had to bite my lip to stop myself laughing.
The girl looks horrified and excuses herself to go to the shitter, no doubt to read in peace until the boarding call.
The lad then looks around and see's an older lady sitting a couple of seats to the other side of him. "Hi" he says. "I see you have a medical pre-board pass there........"

Poor bastard.

The Original Line Up of The Police. Not enough
room for two genius'. Albert left for an unsuccessful
solo career.

A Proper Smooth Bastard

Have you ever been witness to the feeble attempts by one of your fellow humans to pick up a member of the opposite sex? It can be amusing, sad, infuriating, uncomfortable....many things. I choose to look upon these situations as life lessons. Where did the lad go wrong? What did he do that worked? Was it his body language? Was it the overpowering scent of his Brut 33 or the overpowering scent of desperation? I often want to provide feedback, not that I am an expert - I have been out of the game for too long but as a man of science I feel that I have something to offer. Sometimes I would simply like to shake his hand and congratulate him on a job well done or offer a knowing nod and a wink. Other times, it's hard to even look him or his choice of mate in the eye such is my shame at being a man.

Yes, the mating ritual can be frustrating. Unlike many of our animal friends, there is no set way of doing it. No brightly coloured under wing feathers to display as we strut around, our heads cocked slightly to one side while we produce a low rumbling sound in our throats. I have on occasion tried the strutting around, head cocked/throat rumbling method myself but with very limited success. It turns out that this kind of behaviour is not really welcome at the local "Thai Relaxing Spa & Massage" and I was asked politely but firmly to "reave". Obviously the brightly coloured under wing plumage is the key.

No, it isn't that easy for us humans. Our females are, in most cases, a little more sophisticated. Generally it takes more than puffing out our chests and dancing around on one leg to attract a woman. Put another way, any woman who is attracted to men who puff out their chests and dance around on one leg is probably not the most alluring or desirable. She has probably been fooled by such displays before, only to find that although a man who can puff out his chest and dance around on one leg is, in his own way, talented. It is a talent not generally exhibited by a caring lover or a companion for life. Nevertheless, she has failed to learn and in an attempt to find a father for her young, returns every Saturday night to the local mating ground known as Xenon to check out the talent strutting their stuff.

Dancing though, can of course be a powerful factor in the science of attraction. Lads who can dance are more likely to tap off with a watching female than those operating on the bar - toilet - bar principle. I prefer to take elements of the two and when combined with my charming and witty conversation, the results can be effective but only if the 'bar' part of the equation is <= the charm and wit, dancing can be equal to or greater than the charm and wit although MUST be greater than but not equal to the toilet piece in order to prove my point. Are you still with me?

I was recently witness to a very determined effort to pick up a female of the species on a Southwest flight. First of all, despite the limited dancing room and a restricted supply of alcohol there is an unfair advantage to the male, this is not a level playing field. The poor victim really has no way to escape, especially on a full flight such as this. The only respite from his advances would be a trip to the toilet and that can only be stretched so far. Any longer than 5 minutes in an aircraft shitter and the flight attendants will come to make sure you are not tampering with the smoke detector. So, I'm sitting in my usual seat and this fairly attractive lady in her 40's (I would guess?) sits next to me in the middle seat. This is a rare event (as I have spoken about before) but next to me she does indeed sit. I smile and before I can say "Hi!" this lad says to her "Mind if join you for the ride?" Now I had seen him already take a seat a couple of rows away and so he had obviously been waiting for her to choose a seat so that he could pounce. She says "Umm, well no I don't mind..." What else was she to say? So he sits down next to her in the aisle seat. Straight away I notice the tatty, dog eared paperback in his hands entitled "The Art of Loving". JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!! I'm not sure if I should applaud this tactic or laugh. He should have gone the whole hog and worn a t-shirt that said "Only Animals Wear Fur" and a pink breast cancer ribbon on his lapel. By the way, he fucks around with this book the whole flight, flicking through the pages, finger drumming on the cover until she finally gives in and asks what he is reading. I would guarantee that he has never read beyond the synopsis on the back but he replies "Oh...this, yeah a fascinating book. I took a psychology class and was supposed to read this but never did. I finally decided I should at least check it out. It really helps you understand what love is all about, not just between a man and a woman but between friends and family too." Well what a sensitive, beautiful human being you must be.... how can any woman resist a man sooo in touch with his feelings that he is willing to read a book about how to express love. I spent the flight trying not to appear to eavesdrop but silently repeating his lines so as not to forget them. Who knows, some day I might need them? Here are the ones I can remember:

• Oh you're Jewish? You know I was the only Jew in my high school...
• Do you like theater? Me too, what was the last play you saw?....Oh, I don't know that one...Oh community theater, well yes, community theater is the best. They are all excellent....Well no, not all of them, some are excellent and some are just good, I would say its about 50/50....
• Hey look at that cloud...doesn't it look like an angel?
• So, you have family in East LA? I lived there for a time, I had a choice, I could either be a cholo or get out so I got out....
• Me too...I love yoga, I was taking classes for a while but I had to stop because I was becoming obsessed with it and decided to start Tae Kwon Do instead....I might start again though. Where do you take classes?
• I'm divorced and thank god we didn't have kids....You're divorced too? Was it difficult?....Well yeah, we are still friends too, that's important because you never know....
• To the flight attendant "Is the water still or sparkling? Still? Hmm....can I get a slice of lemon with it? No lemons? Okay, then a diet coke....no ice. You're the best! Thanks! Turning to the victim "I just have to have lemon in my water - it helps my skin... go on feel my face..."
• What's your name? Ahhh Olivia.....The Twelfth Night..... You know?....Shakespeare?
• Oh Redwood City? I drive by there every night....sometimes if the traffic is bad I stop off for coffee....

On and on it went, this poor girl politely indulging him with the patience of a saint. Maybe she was flattered or just glad to pass the time. Finally as we landed and taxied to the gate he told her she had been a lot of fun to talk to and asked if she had a business card. She didn't immediately answer him as she was pulling her bag out from under the seat and all of a sudden he seemed to panic. Time was ticking and his chances would be few. He asked her again, a little more impatient this time and she said she was sorry but no she didn't. He looked completely dejected for a moment but after getting his bag out of the storage bin recovered his composure and tried a full on attack "Do you have a ride home? I can give you a ride if not, I'm going that way anyway." I noticed he was tapping his car keys on his bag, no doubt to display the somewhat fanny magnet-ish Audi key ring. She politely declined saying that her father was picking her up. Again he looked like he had seen his own arse. This time I think she felt sorry for him and said "Why don't you give me your number?" His face lit up and he stuttered his name and number along with some lame 'Don't be afraid to leave a message if I don't answer.." Obvious call screener..

As we deplaned, I was right behind her and he was a few people up ahead, she turned to me with a smile and said "You know....you could have jumped in at any time there..." I laughed and said "I didn't think he needed my help."