About My Mentor

For the past three months I have been under the tutelage of a remarkable human being. I have made many a recent reference to how my life has changed over these past 90 days and I have decided that it is time to give credit where credit is due. My transformation from work shy ne’er-do-well to the hardworking, industrious model of mediocrity that you know and lust after is down to the wisdom and teachings of this man.

Dr. Professor Sherman Schmuelly Phb, ASDA, BP, ELO, SFA

We met completely by chance, we happened to be standing next to one another in the mall food court, both pretending not to watch the Hot Dog on a Stick girl mashing lemons in a bucket. After what seemed to be only a short while, the police were called and being quick witted, the Dr. Professor flashed a filthy freemason’s apron and told them that I was his patient and that we were simply doing an experiment in social integration. The policemen let us leave with some strongly worded advice and a caution to stay well clear of the Hot Dog on a Stick concession for the rest of the day.

In gratitude, I offered to buy the Dr. Professor lunch. He eagerly accepted and we talked at length over our Happy Meals. I was impressed with his outlook on life and his claims that most weaknesses can be overcome by hypnosis and the use of certain hallucinogenic plants imported from South America. He claimed that one of the lads who picked up the shit after the donkeys in Griffith Park was a part time shaman and had the hook up for the plants, which were fairly cheap compared to the price of oranges these days. As for the hypnosis, he was an expert and would be glad to treat me for what he called ‘commonly noticed abnormalities and retardation’ three times a week for the next 90 days.

I know, some of you are skeptical about hypnosis, I was too. Many of you think that hypnotist’s just make you act like a chicken or pretend you farted by embedding in your subconscious certain “trigger words”. Some of you may also think that hypnotists perform inappropriate acts on their subjects while they are under. I can assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. I have no desire whatsoever to behave like a chicken and apart from that time I woke up with my undies on back to front, I have no reason to believe anything untoward happened. “You have to remember,” the Dr. Professor told me, “the hallucinations can be so strong they almost seem real, so anything that you think may have happened actually didn’t.” In fact, I seem to remember signing something to that effect.....or did I? Now I'm getting confused again. Did any of this happen or is it all just one big hallucination? No, stop it! It did happen, I distinctly remember the Hot Dog on a Stick girl working up a sweat, jiggling about all over the place, talk about being hypnotised, fuckin' obsessed more like. The things I would do if she hadn't gotten that restraining order.....

Where was I? Oh yeah, every day in every way I'm getting better and better.

So, after an intensive course of positive thinking and, some may say, brainwashing, I have emerged a better person. I have learned many things about myself. I have discovered the real me. I can be something if I avoid making poor choices. I can be all that I can be just by avoiding jail time. If I want something I can reach out and grab it with both hands, pick up the ball and run with it. I have learned that avocados are a great source of fear for me and I have almost conquered that fear. The colour green makes my balls itch uncontrollably. The song ‘Babalu’ when sung by Desi Arnaz seems to arouse some strange kind of animal instinct in me. I cannot put my finger on it but the urge to frolic naked in the yard is irresistible. Now that I know these things about myself, I can use them to live a better life. It’s simple, avoid avocados, avoid green things and at all costs, avoid Desi Arnaz.

The Dr. Professor is available for private consultation but he asks me to inform you that due to a misunderstanding between his Swiss bank and the IRS, he can only accept cash at this time. You can contact him at:

THE HOLLYWOOD SOUP KITCHEN & MISSION
178282 HOLLYWOOD BLVD
HOLLYWOOD
AMERICA