Yawn....

I've got a bit of a headache this morning, not had much sleep either so I forgive me if I am a bit cranky and take out my frustrations on some minority group or other as it's more than likely all their fault. Let's see, where is my checklist....? Ah! Here it is:

• The Welsh - Done & done.
• The Iranians - Done to death.
• The Israelis - Not finished with those bastards yet.
• Scousers - Done.
• Soft southern shites (possibly including Brummies) - Will never be done with them.
• Canadians - Not worthy of my time.
• The Gays - Perfect.....

I'm not a fan of reality TV at all, not unless by 'reality' you mean the news and the reality being covered just happens to be the death of George Bush or Paris Hilton, now that's what I call good television. So, I don't watch the likes of Big Brother or America's Top Model. Recently there seems to have emerged a trend of using the reality show to cast the leading role in some musical or other like Grease or The Sound of Music and is if they were not bad enough, the BBC has been turning this shite out for the last few weeks:

Like a trip to Disneyland for Graham Norton

It is called "Any Dream Will Do" and having never seen the show, I can't comment on the quality other than to say it has to be utter shite and possibly one of the gayest things I have ever seen and I have seen things which would have made Freddie Mercury blush. If there are any bum pirates reading this, don't worry lads. I'm a lover not a hater, well okay, maybe not a lover in your case but definitely not a hater. Let's say I am a tolerater shall we? Yes.

The premise of the show is to cast the lead role in a new production of Joseph And His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat with Graham in the role of an even gayer Ryan Seacrest and Webber playing the part of an "out" Simon Cowell. I can think of few things I would rather do less than spend an evening watching this. According to the BBC website, only 100 boys made it to the London callbacks of which 50 were chosen to enter 'Joseph School' were they were taught singing, dancing, mincing around and who knows what else by 'celebrity mentors' such as the not at all gay Jason Donovan.

I'm not much of Bible reader, but I'm pretty sure that is says something in there about God not caring for the gays, right after the bit about how he loves lezzies and threesome's are okay as long as the lads' balls don't touch (if they touch it becomes a sin). Anyway, I suppose what I am saying is that I don't really hold with all that nonsense but having chosen not to be gay it is rather confusing to me why anyone would choose to BE gay, but it's your life I suppose so go for it.

Anyway, back to the show..... It could just be me but doesn't it seem like the point of this show is really not to cast a Joseph but to cast new boyfriends for Graham Norton and Andrew Lloyd Webber but definitely not Jason Donovan?

And have you seen Andrew Lloyd Webber lately?

The only man who looks WORSE than
his Spitting Image puppet....

Yesterday's News

I'm usually a few days behind everyone else, except when it comes to fashion and haircuts when what I do today the rest of the world does tomorrow. When I say behind everyone else, I mean in terms of current affairs and events, so forgive me if this is old hat but I just learned that Charles Nelson Riley died the other day.

One of those aging luvvies who just delighted in being camp and gay before it was cool to do so. Back in the 70's he was a regular on Match Game, the yank version of Blankety Blank. Lately, he was the voice of The Dirty Bubble on Spongebob. Effete as he was, he was still no match for John Inman although he probably would have had him in a bitch fight......Pneumonia got him in the end and America, particularly gay America lost an icon.

R.I.P Dirty Bubble. The kids never knew how
gay you really were......

In other recently discovered news, I was just informed today that yet another excellent British Tv show has been bastardized and remade for American audiences, proving once again that they just don't get "us".
This time it's the excellent Creature Comforts which will begin on CBS on Monday. Fortunately they actually spent some money and remade the whole thing with new "real people" interviews and animation. They could have just cheaped out and done a voiceover with a new yank friendly script but didn't. I hope it's a success but will probably just settle for re-runs of the original on BBC America. I hear all kinds of good things about "The Office" but despite liking Steve Carrell just don't want to see it. Too many bad experiences with those that have gone before, "Men Behaving Badly", "Coupling" and so on. I can't stand Sanford & Son but will watch Steptoe & Son for hours on end. All In the Family is almost bearable thanks to Carroll O'Connor and Rob Reiner but not even close to "Til Death Us Do Part".

Why is it that US comedies make so much more sense to Brits than vice versa? Do we as Brits really have a much broader sense of humour or is it just that we have been saturated with American TV all our lives and have become accustomed to it? I would put Seinfeld up there in my top 10 shows of all time along with the best of British but how many Americans would put British shows in theirs (not counting Monty Python or Benny Hill)? Sadly, many British shows would never make it on to TV here at all due to content.

Bo Selecta! anyone?

Thank fuck for BBC America and even that stinks most of the time.

Is network TV's desperate search for a replacement
for The Simpson's over?

Filthy Habits

Like most men, no, like most people, I have the odd filthy habit.

Bless me Father........

Filthy by whose standards? I hear you ask. Well, usually by the wife's standards. She has her own peccadillo's which may be considered by some to be on the filthy side but, of course, I am tolerant and never say anything. I won't get into them here as I don't believe in airing my dirty laundry in public. Not that dirty laundry has anything to do with it. Mrs. Waring would never dream of wearing the same pair of underwear for days on end, not without turning them inside out at least once.....

Anyway, for the most part, she is pretty forgiving and tolerant when it comes to my filthy ways. The rubbing of the feet on the curtains, the fingers that smell like arse, the melon rinds and the old socks. I can't really complain, but being English I must.

There is nobody, and I repeat nobody whose opinions I trust more in this world than the people who read my blog. Yes, it's true that I have never met you, never spoken to you or even traded emails with you (at least nothing that made much sense at the time.) But I feel a bond with you people. You are on my wavelength, my frequency. So tell me.....

Is there anything wrong with a man coming home from work, after a long hard days graft, and enjoying a nice cold beer whilst sat on the shitter?

I think not.

Mrs. Waring does not agree, she thinks it's a filthy habit. When I get home from work, one of the things that is foremost in my mind is to enjoy a cold beer in a dark room. Given the shite that I eat on any given day, that room may as well be my own bathroom as it isn't going to be long before I am in there anyway.

There is something almost cosmic about a shit in the dark. It's very relaxing. Nothing to distract you or take your mind of the task at hand. As mentioned in a previous post, I don't spend much time in there when nature calls. It's strictly business. Not being a person who generally mixes business with pleasure, it is good for the psyche now and again to deviate from the norm. It could be argued that taking a crap is pleasure, not business. I'm not here to debate that, I prefer to think of it as both, especially if done on work time, so why not enjoy a beer while you do it?

I challenge any one of you to give me a good reason. It's not like I am going in there with a sandwich and a glass of milk......

Finally.....

.... a chance to reciprocate and visit some of your blogs. Apologies to those who I don't get to or comment on regularly. My time is not my own and internet time is especially limited at the moment.
Thanks to my regular readers and contributors for sticking with me. I do try and at least read your blogs even if I don't comment, at least once a week.

I should not complain, as I choose to live the life I lead and am very lucky and thankful to be as busy as I am, with work and a beautiful family with which to spend my spare time. My schedule should lighten up a bit in two weeks as my college course ends, giving me one more free night each week.

On a less serious note, I have probably wiped my arse 10 times tonight and still it itches like the dickens. I keep farting and every time I fart a bit comes out with it thus causing the itching. I almost want to go outside and rub it against the fucking tree for some relief, it is either that or scoot across the rug like a fuckin' dog. I know, I'm fuckin' disgusting but I am a man so fuck you.

Speaking of which, misogynists everywhere should check out Dick Masterson's blog for a dose of chick bashing fun. I'm not saying I agree with him, 'cause you all know that I love me the ladies, but he is a funny cunt if you like that sort of thing.

Also, I don't usually do the "now playing" bullshit but if Ambient Techno is your particular cup of tea, then I heartily suggest Trentemoller - The Last Resort. Dark and delicious, best served at dusk with some cheap booze. Relax and be happy.

Miserable Twats

Aren't goths miserable twats? Sitting around in darkened rooms all day listening to shit that was mildly popular back in '86, reading the Marquis de Sade and watching Lost Boys over and over. Only going out at night, as vampires do, except when they run out of bog roll during the day.

I saw a couple of them at the stop light at Hollywood and Vine at 2.45 this morning, driving what might have been a 72 Subaru Justy, in full vampire make up, no doubt on their way home from a shite goth/industrial night at some shithole club or other. Neither looked like they had enjoyed a particularly good night out and neither seemed to be enjoying each others company. But I guess thats just how it is when you are one of the undead. I just don't get it. Enough shit is likely to happen each day that will challenge even the most positive of individuals. Why go about dressed to invite negativity? As they drove away, I noticed a sticker on the back window that said "Vampires Do It All Night", I'm assuming they mean stay up.

There were a group of them in the club a few weeks back, all dressed like Byron and wearing fake vampire teeth, doing what looked like a slow tango to rather uplifting house music. I'm not even sure what sex they were. They just did not look happy and kept baring their teeth at me. To say they seemed out of place would be an understatement.

Let's Pretend We're Dead....

You see some weird shit on the streets of Hollywood, even during daylight hours. The woman on the corner of Santa Monica and Highland begging for money so that she could buy new batteries for her vibrator for example. But at night, things definitely take a turn for the bizarre. The man in the gas mask, a lad in full red indian costume thumbing a lift, and somebody threw a can can of Mountain Dew at me from a moving truck and called me a black bastard.....

These things are what makes my life interesting, at least to me.

Blogging Gold!!

Finally.....The news story of my dreams hit the headlines today when an Orangutan escaped from its cage and went on the rampage at a Taiwanese zoo. The beast pushed open its cage door and then got into a nearby restaurant where it terrified diners by overturning tables and motorbikes. Why the fuck there were motorbikes in a restaurant at the zoo I can not imagine, but story said there were so there must have been. I hope to fuck that someone there had a video camera and will be watching the news like a hawk tonight.

Zookeepers finally managed to subdue the monster with a tranquilizer gun and then scooped it up with a small bulldozer and put it back in its cage. Luckily this happened in Taiwan, a place where it is easy to make the distinction between an Orangutan and the general population. Had this happened here in LA or, I dunno, Glasgow for example, the task would probably have been more complicated and would possibly have resulted in a number of cases of mistaken identity before the real Orangutan was caught.

Things are not going well for this particular zoo of late. It was at the same zoo that six months ago, a 440 lb crocodile bit the forearm off a vet. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Luckily for the vet they managed to re-attach it with a a marathon seven hour surgery.

Obviously, this is a sign. The animals are mad and are starting to revolt. I'm not a huge fan of zoo's but understand the role they play in conservation and that in order to stay in the conservation business, they need to open their doors to a public that is all too willing to pay good money to go and watch elephants take a shit or monkeys playing with their dicks (I am of course, speaking for myself here.) But it is only a matter of time before something terrible happens.

It is to be expected in a place like Taiwan, don't ask me why or to back any of this up with facts because I won't (can't) but here in civilized countries where we take so much for granted, it is probably safe to say that not unlike national security pre 9/11, we have become complacent with regards to zoo animals and the potential for an attack. Before we know it, San Diego zoo could be a bloodbath.

I want to blame Steve Irwin. For all I know since his death there may well have been a rise in the number of zoo escapes, I haven't researched it but I wouldn't be surprised to find that it is true.

Better Dressed Than Some Humans
An Orangutan Readies Itself For Escape

Light Up The Sky With SubStandard Fireworks.....

Yes, its that time of year again. The countdown has begun. There is only 44 days until July 4th and in this particular neighbourhood, the festivities have already started. Many of the people around these parts have begun to celebrate their patriotism by driving down to Tijuana and coming home with large supplies of extremely loud (and illegal) fireworks. Once home, these weak willed individuals, dizzy with excitement and filled with almost retard like fascination can hardly wait until the 4th to light the blue touch paper, so many of them don't wait at all. A couple of Tecate's and they are out into the street to celebrate. Often times, it isn't even dark. What's the fuckin point?

Every year it's the same thing 8 weeks in summer and 8 weeks at Christmas, these fuckin idiots spend a small fortune on M-80's and huge fuck off rockets that make window rattling bangs. I don't get it. What is the fuckin attraction of an extremely loud bang to a grown man?

That's right. I said "grown man", 'cause these are not kids doing this. A couple of years ago, there was almost an unpleasant (for him not me) incident with the slap headed fucker who lives across the street. I remember the incident well, apparently he does too because he has avoided eye contact with me ever since. The time was approximately 2am. Tired of his nightly pyrotechnic obsession, I decided to approach him with a polite request to fuck off. The conversation went something like this:

EW: Excuse me mate. You do know what time it is right?
Slap Head: What?
EW: It's 2 in the morning mate.
SH: So?
EW: So I'm asking you to stop setting those fuckin fireworks off. Yer waking my kid up.
SH: It's the 4th of July. What's the matter? Aren't you American?
EW: It's not the 4th of July, it's the 28th of June you stupid cunt. 4th of July is next week and just to clarify, no I'm not American. Is that a problem for you?
SH: Well....I won't be here next week, so I'm celebrating now. What are you anyway, a fuckin Aussie or something?
EW: Listen twat. I'm not Australian I'm fuckin English and if you don't stop setting those fuckers off I will shove one up yer arse and light the fucker.
SH: (hestitates)I've only got one left anyway.
EW: Well save it for tomorrow or it will be the last one you ever have. And I'd better not see you setting any off on the 4th either pal 'cause you just told me you wouldn't be here so if I see so much as a fuckin sparkler in your hand you are well fucked. Do you understand?
SH: You can't threaten me asshole.
EW: Not fuckin threatening you, I'm promising you.....

I could be wrong, but ever since then he has behaved himself. Unfortunately, word does not seem to have reached the rest of the zip code. It's not just here. My mum tells me that back in the worlds greatest country, the same problem exists for the few weeks preceding bommie neet.
It never used to be that way. Yeah, kids would tie bangers to a cats tail or throw one in the hood of some poor spastics parka, push one through the letterbox of the old lad that reeks of piss, and cruel pranks they may be but they were not disturbing my sleep at the time so it didn't really bother me.

Why is it that people are so fuckin obsessed with fireworks. Is the telly really that shite? I know that most of these people are sad twats who don't have wives or girlfriends on which to take out their frustrations, but that is why there is Ultimate Fighting and NASCAR. What is so appealing about shattering everybody else's peace and quiet?