Mark Your Calendars

You could be forgiven for missing it. It is easily overlooked, sandwiched as it is between the heady celebrations of Flag Day and the frenzy of excitement that is Fathers Day here in the World's 2nd greatest country. I almost missed it and if it were not for my boss having to cancel a speaking engagement at some wanky entrepreneurship seminar today because of it, I definitely would not have known until it was too late.

Next year, I will be ready for it. What the fuck is it, I hear you scream. Did we miss some major annual event? Are we in trouble with a family member for failing to send a card and token good wishes?

Not exactly, not unless you belong to a family of janitorial technicians, cleaning ladies, scrubbers, moppers or lavatory attendants. Today is Justice For Janitors Day. Yes.

Now I'm not about to belittle janitors or demean them or the work they do in any way. I will leave that for Knudsen. I agree that the work they do is super important and vital to the fabric of society and essential to the productivity of business and industry. Without them we are fucked. Every morning I go into my office and after a quick check to make sure they haven't stolen anything, I make sure that I take a moment to be grateful that they have emptied my bin and vacuumed the carpet. For if it were not for them, nameless and faceless to me though they are, I would have to do it myself. Being whiter than they, that just would not do and if my employees were to see me emptying my own bin it would not lend me much credibility in their eyes. So yes, I am thankful for the janitors.

Do I think they deserve their own day of justice? I'm not so sure. Where will all this end? Who gets a day of justice next? Who decides? Will Hallmark attempt to cash in on these "Justice Days"?

Don't Fuck With No Mild
Mannered Janitors

All I know is this. Stopping traffic on Wilshire Boulevard in the middle of the day is hardly likely to endear their cause to any non-janitors who happen to get stuck in the resulting traffic nightmare. Surely there is a better way to bring attention to the cause like maybe only emptying half a bin while leaving the rotting banana skins, apple cores and sour yogurt containers in the office for days on end. Wouldn't that raise just as many eyebrows? How about not replacing tired urinal cakes? The smell, especially during summer might cause questions to be asked.

I don't know. I'm not going to pretend to have all the answers. That is your job. What I do know is that anyone who is prepared to work, especially doing the jobs that many of us do not want or are lucky enough not to need badly enough to do them ourselves, should receive a decent livable wage and health benefits for doing it. I know it's a capitalist society but I also know how much the agencies charge companies for their services and that the percentage that is actually paid to the janitors is a pittance. It's a very competitive field, cut throat in fact but the owners still manage to do very well.

In my personal opinion, anyone who is able, let alone willing to scrub the skidmarks off the porcelain after I have been in the disabled stall deserves at least $10 for the hour it will most likely take them to get it clean.

Watch The Birdy

We got a new budgie at the weekend. For those of you wondering what the fuck a budgie is (yanks), it's a fuckin' parakeet which will henceforth be referred to as a budgie because that's what it is.

Anyway, we did have two. One went tits up a few months ago. That one was called LemonLime because it was green and yellow. The other one, the one still alive, never had a name because the kid could never decide on anything that she liked.

As a reward for behaving herself in school, Mrs. W promised her a new one to replace the deceased LemonLime. Of course it was I who had the pleasure of standing around for 1/2 an hour in fuckin Petco at the weekend while the princess decided which of the 50 birds in the cage she wanted, then another 15 minutes while the assistant caught the little bastard in the net.

Two days later and the new cage mates seem to be getting on quite well considered the invasion of space and the trauma of being caught in a net and placed inside a cardboard box only to be shoved into a new cage with an unknown bird for company. I have to admit that if I were on the same perch, I would be a bit testy to say the least. Everything seems, for the moment at least, to be working out well.

One of the reasons we never named the other bird is because Mrs. Waring maintains that the moment you name the fuckers, they quickly become an ex-budgie after hiding under the newspaper at the bottom of the cage for a day or two. I'm not quite as cynical in this regard and even with my limited knowledge of ornithology believe that it is more of a coincidence but, being a man of science, am prepared to put it to the test.

I would be waiting all year if I were to leave it up to the child to decide and I don't have that kind of time so I am putting it to you, my loyal and trusted contributors, to come up with names for the two birds, with the kid having the final say in which ones are successful. If, upon bestowal of their new names, they survive, I will be proved right. Alternatively if they both take to hiding under the newspaper until death, I will admit that I was wrong and the lucky winners of this competition will have to deal with their conscience as having been an accessory to their demise.

So, have at it. What names do you suggest for them? The winner(s) will receive a prize (TBD) to the value of 10 American Dollars. To help you, here is a picture of the birdies.

New one foreground, old one rear. If only they could
talk. I would have them saying "You're a cunt!"

Yawn....

I've got a bit of a headache this morning, not had much sleep either so I forgive me if I am a bit cranky and take out my frustrations on some minority group or other as it's more than likely all their fault. Let's see, where is my checklist....? Ah! Here it is:

• The Welsh - Done & done.
• The Iranians - Done to death.
• The Israelis - Not finished with those bastards yet.
• Scousers - Done.
• Soft southern shites (possibly including Brummies) - Will never be done with them.
• Canadians - Not worthy of my time.
• The Gays - Perfect.....

I'm not a fan of reality TV at all, not unless by 'reality' you mean the news and the reality being covered just happens to be the death of George Bush or Paris Hilton, now that's what I call good television. So, I don't watch the likes of Big Brother or America's Top Model. Recently there seems to have emerged a trend of using the reality show to cast the leading role in some musical or other like Grease or The Sound of Music and is if they were not bad enough, the BBC has been turning this shite out for the last few weeks:

Like a trip to Disneyland for Graham Norton

It is called "Any Dream Will Do" and having never seen the show, I can't comment on the quality other than to say it has to be utter shite and possibly one of the gayest things I have ever seen and I have seen things which would have made Freddie Mercury blush. If there are any bum pirates reading this, don't worry lads. I'm a lover not a hater, well okay, maybe not a lover in your case but definitely not a hater. Let's say I am a tolerater shall we? Yes.

The premise of the show is to cast the lead role in a new production of Joseph And His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat with Graham in the role of an even gayer Ryan Seacrest and Webber playing the part of an "out" Simon Cowell. I can think of few things I would rather do less than spend an evening watching this. According to the BBC website, only 100 boys made it to the London callbacks of which 50 were chosen to enter 'Joseph School' were they were taught singing, dancing, mincing around and who knows what else by 'celebrity mentors' such as the not at all gay Jason Donovan.

I'm not much of Bible reader, but I'm pretty sure that is says something in there about God not caring for the gays, right after the bit about how he loves lezzies and threesome's are okay as long as the lads' balls don't touch (if they touch it becomes a sin). Anyway, I suppose what I am saying is that I don't really hold with all that nonsense but having chosen not to be gay it is rather confusing to me why anyone would choose to BE gay, but it's your life I suppose so go for it.

Anyway, back to the show..... It could just be me but doesn't it seem like the point of this show is really not to cast a Joseph but to cast new boyfriends for Graham Norton and Andrew Lloyd Webber but definitely not Jason Donovan?

And have you seen Andrew Lloyd Webber lately?

The only man who looks WORSE than
his Spitting Image puppet....

Yesterday's News

I'm usually a few days behind everyone else, except when it comes to fashion and haircuts when what I do today the rest of the world does tomorrow. When I say behind everyone else, I mean in terms of current affairs and events, so forgive me if this is old hat but I just learned that Charles Nelson Riley died the other day.

One of those aging luvvies who just delighted in being camp and gay before it was cool to do so. Back in the 70's he was a regular on Match Game, the yank version of Blankety Blank. Lately, he was the voice of The Dirty Bubble on Spongebob. Effete as he was, he was still no match for John Inman although he probably would have had him in a bitch fight......Pneumonia got him in the end and America, particularly gay America lost an icon.

R.I.P Dirty Bubble. The kids never knew how
gay you really were......

In other recently discovered news, I was just informed today that yet another excellent British Tv show has been bastardized and remade for American audiences, proving once again that they just don't get "us".
This time it's the excellent Creature Comforts which will begin on CBS on Monday. Fortunately they actually spent some money and remade the whole thing with new "real people" interviews and animation. They could have just cheaped out and done a voiceover with a new yank friendly script but didn't. I hope it's a success but will probably just settle for re-runs of the original on BBC America. I hear all kinds of good things about "The Office" but despite liking Steve Carrell just don't want to see it. Too many bad experiences with those that have gone before, "Men Behaving Badly", "Coupling" and so on. I can't stand Sanford & Son but will watch Steptoe & Son for hours on end. All In the Family is almost bearable thanks to Carroll O'Connor and Rob Reiner but not even close to "Til Death Us Do Part".

Why is it that US comedies make so much more sense to Brits than vice versa? Do we as Brits really have a much broader sense of humour or is it just that we have been saturated with American TV all our lives and have become accustomed to it? I would put Seinfeld up there in my top 10 shows of all time along with the best of British but how many Americans would put British shows in theirs (not counting Monty Python or Benny Hill)? Sadly, many British shows would never make it on to TV here at all due to content.

Bo Selecta! anyone?

Thank fuck for BBC America and even that stinks most of the time.

Is network TV's desperate search for a replacement
for The Simpson's over?

Filthy Habits

Like most men, no, like most people, I have the odd filthy habit.

Bless me Father........

Filthy by whose standards? I hear you ask. Well, usually by the wife's standards. She has her own peccadillo's which may be considered by some to be on the filthy side but, of course, I am tolerant and never say anything. I won't get into them here as I don't believe in airing my dirty laundry in public. Not that dirty laundry has anything to do with it. Mrs. Waring would never dream of wearing the same pair of underwear for days on end, not without turning them inside out at least once.....

Anyway, for the most part, she is pretty forgiving and tolerant when it comes to my filthy ways. The rubbing of the feet on the curtains, the fingers that smell like arse, the melon rinds and the old socks. I can't really complain, but being English I must.

There is nobody, and I repeat nobody whose opinions I trust more in this world than the people who read my blog. Yes, it's true that I have never met you, never spoken to you or even traded emails with you (at least nothing that made much sense at the time.) But I feel a bond with you people. You are on my wavelength, my frequency. So tell me.....

Is there anything wrong with a man coming home from work, after a long hard days graft, and enjoying a nice cold beer whilst sat on the shitter?

I think not.

Mrs. Waring does not agree, she thinks it's a filthy habit. When I get home from work, one of the things that is foremost in my mind is to enjoy a cold beer in a dark room. Given the shite that I eat on any given day, that room may as well be my own bathroom as it isn't going to be long before I am in there anyway.

There is something almost cosmic about a shit in the dark. It's very relaxing. Nothing to distract you or take your mind of the task at hand. As mentioned in a previous post, I don't spend much time in there when nature calls. It's strictly business. Not being a person who generally mixes business with pleasure, it is good for the psyche now and again to deviate from the norm. It could be argued that taking a crap is pleasure, not business. I'm not here to debate that, I prefer to think of it as both, especially if done on work time, so why not enjoy a beer while you do it?

I challenge any one of you to give me a good reason. It's not like I am going in there with a sandwich and a glass of milk......

Finally.....

.... a chance to reciprocate and visit some of your blogs. Apologies to those who I don't get to or comment on regularly. My time is not my own and internet time is especially limited at the moment.
Thanks to my regular readers and contributors for sticking with me. I do try and at least read your blogs even if I don't comment, at least once a week.

I should not complain, as I choose to live the life I lead and am very lucky and thankful to be as busy as I am, with work and a beautiful family with which to spend my spare time. My schedule should lighten up a bit in two weeks as my college course ends, giving me one more free night each week.

On a less serious note, I have probably wiped my arse 10 times tonight and still it itches like the dickens. I keep farting and every time I fart a bit comes out with it thus causing the itching. I almost want to go outside and rub it against the fucking tree for some relief, it is either that or scoot across the rug like a fuckin' dog. I know, I'm fuckin' disgusting but I am a man so fuck you.

Speaking of which, misogynists everywhere should check out Dick Masterson's blog for a dose of chick bashing fun. I'm not saying I agree with him, 'cause you all know that I love me the ladies, but he is a funny cunt if you like that sort of thing.

Also, I don't usually do the "now playing" bullshit but if Ambient Techno is your particular cup of tea, then I heartily suggest Trentemoller - The Last Resort. Dark and delicious, best served at dusk with some cheap booze. Relax and be happy.

Miserable Twats

Aren't goths miserable twats? Sitting around in darkened rooms all day listening to shit that was mildly popular back in '86, reading the Marquis de Sade and watching Lost Boys over and over. Only going out at night, as vampires do, except when they run out of bog roll during the day.

I saw a couple of them at the stop light at Hollywood and Vine at 2.45 this morning, driving what might have been a 72 Subaru Justy, in full vampire make up, no doubt on their way home from a shite goth/industrial night at some shithole club or other. Neither looked like they had enjoyed a particularly good night out and neither seemed to be enjoying each others company. But I guess thats just how it is when you are one of the undead. I just don't get it. Enough shit is likely to happen each day that will challenge even the most positive of individuals. Why go about dressed to invite negativity? As they drove away, I noticed a sticker on the back window that said "Vampires Do It All Night", I'm assuming they mean stay up.

There were a group of them in the club a few weeks back, all dressed like Byron and wearing fake vampire teeth, doing what looked like a slow tango to rather uplifting house music. I'm not even sure what sex they were. They just did not look happy and kept baring their teeth at me. To say they seemed out of place would be an understatement.

Let's Pretend We're Dead....

You see some weird shit on the streets of Hollywood, even during daylight hours. The woman on the corner of Santa Monica and Highland begging for money so that she could buy new batteries for her vibrator for example. But at night, things definitely take a turn for the bizarre. The man in the gas mask, a lad in full red indian costume thumbing a lift, and somebody threw a can can of Mountain Dew at me from a moving truck and called me a black bastard.....

These things are what makes my life interesting, at least to me.