Bad Planning

There was some kind of poorly thought through protest in Hollywood last night. At about 11:30pm, a couple of hundred nutcases on push irons (that's a bicycle to most of you) blocked the entrance to one of the car parks on Vine St. Their leader then climbed onto the fence (not really a good spot for a 'so called' leader) and began to whip up the mass of spandex into some kind of muted frenzy.

It was hard to hear what he or she was ranting about over the laughter from the crowd of people waiting to get into the club, the organizers had obviously not considered bringing a megaphone. It sounded something like "....try to keep us down.....won't stop pedaling.....free puncture repair kits.....happy meals....." After 5 minutes they left, some of them yelling "The power is between your legs!" as they rode away into the night or at least to the stop light at Hollywood Blvd. A fairly deep statement, true in many ways, however I'm thinking they were referring to their bikes and not their dicks or vajayjays. Their Choppers not their choppers. Hopefully I won't have to explain that last line to TOO many people.....

Who they thought they were going to convert to their cause at that time of night I don't know. They did succeed in irritating a few people who were trying to enter/exit the parking lot, probably not gaining much sympathy from them in the process. They certainly raised a few eyebrows. It's not often you see such a sight on a Friday night in this neck of the woods.

What made their protest even less effective was the lack of signs or placards. If you are going to have good protest you need some snappy placards like 'No More Protests!', 'Votes for Vegetables!!', 'Impeach Dumbledore!!!' or '¡Viva Salchichas!'. Certainly it is hard to carry a sign on a stick whilst riding a bike at the same time (not very aerodynamic unless turned sideways). Likewise, duct taping one to the bike is probably not practical and may even be a safety hazard, obstructing the view of the cyclist and distracting other road users, so T-shirts or even a song would have been the way to go in this case.

So I have to know. What the fuck were all these people doing last night? Suggestions are welcome but hopefully someone who was present, maybe the guy who had wrapped his bike in yellow faux fur, will do a Google search to try and find press coverage of the event (there is none), find this instead and be compelled to tell the tale.

Bad News

So I get home from work at about 8.45pm tonight, warm up my tea in the microwave and wash it down with a large can of beer. Then I decide to finish off the half bottle of vodka that is in the freezer along the cran-raspberry juice in the fridge. There's fuck all on telly so I decide to watch my favourite evening newscast on Channel 9, KCAL-9 to those of you here in SoCal.

I try not to watch TV news, except for BBC World news on PBS and even then in limited amounts. The news is depressing, mostly negative and just downright shit, especially local news because they have such a limited understanding of topics of international importance and general relevance. Also, their audience is so limited in their comprehension and interest in anything of interest and relevance to me that there really is no need for me to watch such drivel. Yes, I'm so fucking superior it hurts.

All that said, given a choice of local newscasts, I choose Channel 9 primarily because they have the hottest weather girl on local TV in the LA market, Jackie Johnson. Given the competition, tennis ball headed negroes and bespectacled Jewish twats, it is not necessarily a hard task to accomplish, but, nevertheless, the folks at KCAL know the score and so hired Jackie's tits to do the weather. She dresses like trash but who gives a fuck about that?

Anyway, first off, the news started badly when they announced that JJ was off on holiday or with womens problems or summat and that Josh Rubenstein was replacing her.
FUCK!!!!!
I don't need a balding overweight Jewish man to tell me that we are up for a a rather mild evening. I need a big titted blonde to tell me that. Okay, so she dresses like she bought her outfit at a jumble sale but who gives a fuck as long as she accentuates the positive? (If you know what I mean......and I think you do.) If she needs time off, fine, play a fucking taped recording, nobody is actually paying attention to a fucking thing she says, they are staring at her tats. Last weeks weather is the same as this weeks weather in this part of the world. I already know that it's going to be hot and rather unpleasant tomorrow. This is the edge of the fucking desert for bogs sake.....

Jackie, for the record also has a modicum of decency about her, worse luck. She recently turned down an offer to do a spread in Playboy, thereby leaving everything to the imagination the big fuckin tease....

Jackie, Jackie Show Us Yer Tits....

So, it was all downhill from there.....

They have decided to put birth control in bird food and to feed it to the pigeons in Hollywood in an attempt to curb the pests. I say what is good for the goose is good for the blacks and hispanics and why stop there? Add it to Spaghetti-O's and slow down the growth of white trash as well. Put it in Ding-Dongs, Twinkies and Kool-Aid and we could save millions in Medicare.

Actor Lane Garrison has appeared in a Public Service Announcement urging people to think twice about drinking and driving. This after he got shitfaced and crushed a teenager between the bonnet of his Land Rover and a tree. It's no coincidence that this PSA is released 2 days before he is due to be sentenced. Fucking attorneys have no morals.

Britney and K-Fed officially split. Why the fuck is this news? I thought they split months ago and had forgotten they were even married. Does anybody actually care?

A 48 year old Dairy Queen is being closed down in Riverside to make way for a new strip mall. They interviewed a 300+lb woman who was in tears saying that she and her husband, high school sweethearts had their first date there (and every fuckin date since then judging by her size*. Seems to me they are doing you a favour.) There will be a new DQ in the strip mall, it just will not be the same. I feel for these people, I like old architecture and like the "feel" of old places but you cannot stand in the way of progress. Be thankful, at least they are not turning it into a Starbucks' or a church.....

A Black Bear was euthanized after raiding cabins for food in the Mammoth Lakes area. Why the fuck did they have to kill it? Sedate the fucker and drop it off somewhere in the vast wilderness of the Sierra Nevada. It is a fuckin' bear. It will either survive by the law of nature or it will die by the law of nature. You didn't have to kill it you fucks!

I also had to laugh at a commercial for Anna's Linens..... "These luxurious bath towels cost up to $30 in a department store. At Anna's Linens they are only $5.99. How do they do it? Well, first of all they find some fucking sweatshop in Malaysia that employs 9 year olds to make the towels for 1 cent each........

Lastly, some fuckin pedo is suing the Santa Monica Police Department for publicizing his picture in a poster warning parents to keep their kids away from him. This after he voluntarily surrendered himself to a police mug shot so that he could easily be eliminated in any investigation involving sexual acts against minors. His website, on which he rates certain venues such as the Orange County Fair for fellow pedo's was recently taken down, is about to be relaunched this time hosted by a Dutch ISP, allegedly does not break any laws.

Like I said, fucking depressing. Where is my big titted weather girl?


* Like I can talk. Thank fuck there isn't a Dairy Queen in driving distance of my house.

Danish Pigeons Beware.....

Amidst the media frenzy surrounding David Beckhams debut for the LA Galaxy and the intense scrutiny of the transfer window, one of the major events of the football year seems to have been overlooked. Today, teams from 48 nations will be arriving in Denmark to participate in the 2007 Homeless World Cup.

Held annually for the last 5 years, this year’s tournament promises to be the biggest and most exciting yet with the World’s finest crackheads, alcoholics and mental folks battling it out to try to take the title away from last years winners, Russia. Unfortunately, TV coverage here in the USA is limited to none at all and I will not be able to watch. Maybe it’s because the USA are ranked a very poor 46^th in the world and they tend not to be very interested in things at which they are not the best. Amazingly, Kazakhstan are ranked 2^nd behind Russia with Poland, Mexico and Liberia rounding out the top five. Perhaps the biggest surprise is Scotland who are a disappointing 33^rd in the World. Given the standard and sheer quantity of homeless persons on the streets of Glasgow and Edinburgh, you would think they would be at least in the top 10.

The Scots Get In A Quick Training Session

For anybody thinking of making the trip to Copenhagen for the tournament, it’s not too late and you could probably make it in time for the opening ceremony tomorrow afternoon. Just in case, here is the schedule:

1315 – 1400 hours

Players pick their playing shoes from boxes of odd shoes and returns donated by BHS.

1415 – 1500 hours

Traditional pre-tournament fight over the shoes begins.

1500 – 1530 hours

Police break up the fight with rubber bullets and tear gas.

1530 – 1700 hours

Wounds are dressed and food and drink rations are handed out to the players.

1700 – 1745 hours

Traditional pre-tournament fight over the food and drink rations begins

1745 – 1800 hours

Police break up the fight with real bullets. The six teams with the least amount of players left are eliminated.

1800 – 1930 hours

Inspirational talk by Paul Gascoigne, refreshments provided by Buckfast.

Supplies Leave The UK For Copenhagen

1930 – 2345 hours

Traditional pre-tournament celebration of spoon playing, singing, dancing, urinating and fighting begins.

2345 hours

Players retire to their cardboard boxes for a good nights screaming and thrashing around. Tomorrow the tournament begins!!

GOOD LUCK ENGLAND!!!! I will be shouting for ya lads!!

"Our Next Song Is Called.....

SERVANTS TO YOUR KNEES.........ROOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRR"

It is hard for me to take any band that looks like this seriously....

Swedens Finest

Just like Gangsta Rappers, I find both their looks and lyrics, when I can fuckin' understand them, hilarious. It intrigues me, is it just an act? Characters that they play for their public? Or do they really live their lives like this? I know what they want their fans to think and I know that their fans really believe, but what is reality with lads like this? I'm fucking laughing my arse off just thinking about it. I'm drunk and I crack myself up. What can I say?

Anyway, last night I had both the pleasure and misfortune to witness the above band (and their loyal fans) in person. The band, Immortal, even though I'm not keen on the genre, could play like a fuckin' riot and were alright even though the two support bands,whose names are not even worthy of me googling, were utter shite. Immortal were funny as fuck and I had to laugh as they hammed it up big time. Their idiot, shitfaced fans lapped it up.

I got caught up in the middle of two fights, one because somebody accidentally spilled somebody else's beer and another because a supposed hard man with 3 inch nails pierced through his cheeks didn't like having water thrown at him. The disputes were quickly and easily dealt with, proving once again that over-sized rings in the nose and ears are a distinct disadvantage when it comes to defending yourself. If you are going to act like a twat, take the piercings out. I also dispatched 3 drunken arseholes, one of which had pissed all over himself and forgotten to put his dick away, and another who had almost certainly shat himself, into the street. It was a fuckin' ideal way to spend a Sunday evening.

I have never encountered a smellier, sweatier, more repulsive set of human beings than I did last night. It smelled like they had each arrived with pockets full of old pimento loaf to offer up as sacrifice to the gods of metal on stage. There were some very ugly people in attendance. The usual Satanic Hispanics and acne ridden teenagers were there and hordes of big titted rock chicks who looked like they could knock seven colours of shite out of me. There were also a number of very worried looking parents who kept hanging around me, several of which asked me if we allowed moshing (concerned about the safety of their kids), to which I would reply " yes, but if I see you hitting any kids I will kick the fuck out of you." Not many of them got the joke.

It's always the 16-25 age group that amuse me the most. Testosterone, Budweiser and Meth fuelled little boys dressed to piss off mummy and daddy and strutting round the mosh pit until they get their nose broken or some teeth knocked out.

Mosh pits.......another enigma. What the fuck are these people trying to prove? First off, none of these people look like they have a job, let alone health insurance. Second, strutting around in a circle knocking over spawnier, scrawnier little twats than you does not make you hard and thirdly, losing one shoe really sucks because you have to buy TWO new ones you stupid fucks.

Anyway, I get my kicks. One idiot standing near me yelled out in a break between songs, "MOSES WILL BURN IN A COFFIN FULL OF ICE." This amused the hell out of me. I had to ask him if he had considered that the heat of the fire might melt the ice, turn it to water and thus put out the fire. He gave me a blank look before turning to the stage and yelling "I AM IMMORTAL." Once the band started playing again and the crowd started moving I taught him a lesson by putting the gum I had been chewing into his waist length hair. Hopefully the dirty fucker will wash it now. He was the first of three victims. Putting gum in peoples hair, a small victory, but then again in many ways I am a small man.......

Back To Business

As you know, part my mission statement here at Leatherette Beanbag is to keep you, my peeps, informed and abreast of the hot issues of the day. I don't always do that, very rarely in fact but now and again news items catch my eye and I think to myself "I just have to do a post on that". Invariably, I forget and due to my international jet set playboy lifestyle don't post anything at all.

It's been a week, again. My output has slowed considerably. The days of 4, 5 even 6 posts a week are long gone and due to my current schedule, won't be back anytime soon. Every now and again I think about jacking it in but then how would I amuse myself? Besides, I have never been a quitter (unless you count the time I said "fuck it" and left England for the US) and will carry on posting when I can. To those of you whose blogs I don't comment on as regularly as I would like please bear with me.

All that said, the wacky wookie impersonator of Hollywood Blvd is at it again! Some of you may recall that back in February a Chewbacca impersonator on Hollywood Blvd was arrested for harassing Japanese tourists outside Mann's Chinese Theater. The Chinese is the haunt of numerous horrible celebrity impersonators all jostling, sometimes aggressively, for the tourists' dollar. You pay them to have your picture taken with them in their ratty foul smelling costumes. I just don't get it myself but who am I to judge?

Anyway, this time a Marilyn Monroe impersonator called the cops and accused Chewie of placing her hand over his crotch in a dispute over tips. This time Chewie was not arrested as not report was filed. Police claim not to know if this is the same impersonator (how many can there be?) as was arrested back in February. The two impersonators have a history of not getting along.

Marilyn (Manson not Monroe) Look-a-Like

If you are going to impersonate someone you really have to do it well to avoid ridicule. You have to both look the part and sound the part, one out of two won't cut it unless you are on the radio. I have never quite got the impersonator thing. They are rarely ever amusing unless they are unbelievably bad and I'm pretty sure that isn't what they are aiming for. They have to believe that they have their target so spot on that they could actually be mistaken for their idol. But they don't, do they? I mean it's not like I'm walking down the street and over the other side is a Michael Jackson impersonator who, from a distance, bears a decent resemblance, and I'm going to think "Fuck me! There's Michael Jackson!" because the real Michael Jackson doesn't walk down busy streets, alone, in the daytime does he?

Just Can't Wait To Be King

I think if someone is impersonating a dead celebrity, it's different because it's like they are re-creating something that we can no longer experience except on telly or on radio, cd, dvd, record, the internet etc. I personally would not pay to go and watch an Elvis or a Biggie Smalls impersonator perform but there are obviously many that would. Probably people who never saw the real thing, but at least they can tell their kids that they saw the next best thing one time at the LA County Fair.

"Can I Get a Whoop - Whoop?"


Will The Real Old Knudsen Please Stand Up?



"Like What You See or See What You Like?"

Fuck Me! It's a Fucking Meme

I swore I would never do this but since Foot Eater and Fat Sparrow both tagged me, and me being a polite, accommodating sort, I feel that to ignore them would be rude.

So, against all I stand for, here are eight items of biographical half truths about yours truly:

1. I have a lifetime ban from all Tesco stores worldwide. In an embarrassing case of mistaken identity I stand accused of fondling fruit and of committing simulated sexual acts with vegetables during store hours.
2. I am currently suing the National Hockey League for the patent on the modern day hockey puck which I designed on the back of a beer mat in 1998. The beer mat was subsequently stolen from the bar while I was in the bogs.
3. As far as US immigration knows, I am also known as Sancho Robles de Oaxaca, a poor cobbler from Mexico.
4. I once got kicked off "Stars in Their Eyes". My impression of Prince Charles was described by Matthew Kelly as "repulsive and sickening".
5. I have never been to Barnsley.
6. My application to join the Cheshire Constabulary was rejected when I answered "I do not recall" to the question "Have you ever taken illegal substances?"
7. My own line of designer men's underwear "Eddie's", was withdrawn from sale after unfounded allegations of the use of child labour and further bad press regarding what "Which?" magazine called 'excessive gusset shredding'.
8. I carry a forged 50m breast stroke swimming certificate with which to impress the ladies.

There you have it. Just because it seems I have to, I shall tag Ellie, Fresh Hell and Lord Milky and MJ who should be back from her lesbo holidays by now. Please accept my apologies...

Feedback Welcome

So as I alluded to in the previous post, I was subjected to some training at work this week. Two whole days to be exact, 8 - 5 both days. What made this worse was that I didn't need the training. I already knew how to use the fuckin' web based tool for analyzing sales and revenues. In fact, I am one of probably about 5 people in the entire company who did know how to use it. I suspect that everybody else is happy to keep it that way and so I was one of the lucky ones who was instructed to attend.

The training was conducted by two lads, one of them, Mike was the owner of a ridiculously sticky out belly button. To ice the cake, his choice of shirt on both days was a polyester polo shirt that seemed about a size too small, exaggerating his disgusting belly button even more than was necessary. I swear that this thing stuck out like an inch and a half from his belly and was about an inch in diameter as well. So what the fuck is this guy thinking? Is he proud of it and wants to show it off? Is he deliberately fucking with us to see who pays more attention to his belly button? Does he just not give a fuck? What's the deal?

Desperate to get a second opinion, I say to the woman sitting next to me " You could hang yer jacket on that". She looks at me blankly and says "What?" I say "the belly button", she says "I hadn't noticed......ugh! You're right, thats nasty."

Hadn't noticed???? This thing was more noticeable than a deformed limb. You couldn't take your eyes off it if you tried. He may as well have been walking round the room with his dick out.

The feedback forms they passed out at the end of the second day were anonymous so I made sure to note that he should consider wearing looser fitting shirts if he was to command full attention from the trainees. I also rated the course way too long and gave him a poor for his knowledge of the course materials.

His assistant, an Indian( 7-11, not Native American) lad who claimed to be from Chicago but had far too thick an accent was equally useless. He said his name was Jonathan but there is no fuckin' way. It's like when you call your internet company for help and somebody who sounds like they rode into work on an ox or on a bus full of chickens answers the phone and says their name is Robbie or Nicole when it obviously is nothing of the sort. Yes they speak English but they don't UNDERSTAND English and say things like "You can be very welcome to be a loyal customer" and "I can be helping you with that" after every other sentence. 'Jonathan' was a vegetarian but had failed to mention it (probably on purpose) and so didn't get any of the lasagna that the company had provided for lunch. On the second day they provided cold cuts which included sliced cheese but he couldn't even have any of that because the caterer had alternated a slice of cheese then a slice of roast beef around the platter so that every piece of cheese touched a piece of roast beef.

On Jonathan's feedback form I put "Bring a packed lunch" and checked the box for zero when asked how many new skills I had learned as a result of the course. I had to amuse myself somehow...