Whole Lotta Lovin'

Like every red blooded male, I have urges. Hot, sweaty, filthy urges. Mrs.Waring does her best to put the fire out but there is only so much a woman can do for her man. Especially when that man is the v(ir)ile sexual wildebeest that you know and love. That’s me I’m referring to in case you are a bit slow to get the picture.

When I get these urges, usually the 3rd Saturday of the month, there is little that can satisfy me and I have to turn to the one woman who knows all the tricks. Nasty Nancy.

Nasty Nancy is an animal in the sack she is like a 400lb female gorilla in heat. She leaves me feeling like a dirty old football sock, spent, limp and stinky. There is nothing she won’t do. Imagine, if you will, the most depraved, disgusting act you can think of and throw in a one legged midget or two just for flavour. She’s done it and done it again. She is a pure hedonist. Worse for you than crack cocaine and twice as addictive, after an hour or two in her seedy one room apartment you will never be the same again.

Nancy doesn’t discriminate either. She likees the ladies too. She swings both ways, a switch hitter, plays for both teams. In fact if you are up for a three way, her mum lives on the floor below and will be up there as fast as her zimmer frame can carry her when Nancy bangs on the floor with the brush handle. Twice for a man, three times for a lady, four times if she’s just bored and wants something to chew on.

I’m all about sharing so if anyone fancies a crack at her let me know and I will give you her number.

Watcha gonna do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk

Arnie Goes South

Arnie Gets His Tan Going Again

California Governer Arnold Schwarzenegger has seen better days hasn't he? Here he is sunning himself on some tropical beach, and there he was 25 or so years ago with his tiny pee pee sticking out. Can you spot the difference?

Clue - It's not the swimming trunks.

He considers these his lucky pair and wears them constantly despite there being next to nothing left of the gusset and the original elastic perished several years ago. Rumour has it that he never takes them off, even when he goes to bed or to the doctors to get his prostate checked. He has (allegedly) had a special velcro patch added where his ring is so that he can take a shit and the doc can stick his finger in to poke around.

Have you spotted it yet? That's right, he has developed a pair of womens tats. Not a bad pair either and I say that as a proud heterosexual male. If he'll take my advice he will rub some SPF 30 on the nipples though or he will be sorry later.

Yes, years of (alleged) steroid use and abuse may have taken their toll on the once mighty Terminator. Years of living the high life, feasting on young children and drinking gold top milk are beginning to show on Conan The Mammarian. Not everyone believes it is due to alleged steroid use though. I was talking to some old guy who claims he used to work out with Arnie at Muscle Beach, long ago. He sez that he caught Arnie crying in the bogs one day because he had lost his lunch money playing a shell game on Venice Boardwalk. He says that Arnie was a sucker for shell games and was always trying to borrow money from the other queers who pumped iron at the famous outdoor gym on the beach. He strongly defended Arnold though when I asked him about steroid use and claimed that the tits are the result of plastic surgery, not 'roids. "Arnie always wished he was a woman," the drunken old twat claimed "and it wouldn't surprise me if he had saved up all his money from the movies and gone and gotten himself a decent pair of spambags. But he never did no steroids, no siree bob."

Unsubstantiated rumour in Sacramento has it that the guv was so depressed about not being able to run for President, him being an Australian, he was overheard saying "Itz no uze. Zey will never let me be Prezident. I might haz well have ze wimmins teets." Allegations by Gubernatorial rivals that he used tax payers money to have the operation have so far failed to materialize. Hopefully this story might start a rumour or two. You never know.

So, what do you reckon? I'm saying a he's a DD cup at least.

Big Leg Syndrome

I've been noticing more and more people of late, sitting on bus benches sporting one leg bigger than the other. Not in the longer sense of the word, but thicker, fatter, almost 2 or 3 times the size of the normal leg. Usually they are all purple and blotchy with lots of weeping sores and filthy bandages that won't stay where they are put and I have to say I'm fascinated.

I'm not sure if there has been an outbreak of elephantitis or if it is just some strange set of coincidences but I must have seen at least 10 so far this year. Unfortunately, I never have my camera handy and the cheap fuckers I work for will only give me a free cellphone without a camera, so I have been unable to gather any evidence to present to you.

I have yet to actually see one of these people actually get on or off a bus which suggests that they may just be resting for a bit (it can't be easy dragging that big leg around all day) or they are possibly waiting for a special bus to come and pick them up and take them to some location or other where they can mingle and swap stories of their misfortune with fellow owners of one big leg.

Naturally these people are not exactly up on fashion. You would hate to ruin a nice pair of Diesel or FCUK jeans by having to cut one leg open at the seam so they tend to wear filthy grey marl sweatpants with one leg cut off, this probably helps to avoid chafing and irritation. They also don't seem to spend much money on footwear, usually wearing just one shoe on the good foot and a flip flop on it's big balloon like opposite.


I just don't get it. I haven't seen anyone with one big arm waiting for a bus, or stood in line at the post office behind a bloke with one big hand. So why all these people with one big leg. Something is up for sure.


On a similar note, Mrs. Waring just informed me that as she and the younger Waring were watching the Westminster Dog Show on telly, there was some bit about therapy dogs. They showed some poor kid with one finger sticking out of his elbow, no forearm and no hand, just an elbow finger. Young Waring tried to convince the wife that the kid was just hiding his arm in his jumper. She is learning fast that child is.

Yippee!!

Not a huge milestone by any means but LB got it's 1000th hit today. I'm chuffed though 'cause its still in it's infancy after only about 6 weeks or so. This is my first shot at blogging so forgive my over excitement at such a small event which will seem incredibly dull tomorrow. Anyway, the honour of hit number 1000 goes to some sick bastard in Rwanda who found this post while doing no doubt valuable research on the subject of fucking stuffed animals.

So, anonymous Rwandan surfer, I thank you. Good luck with the stuffed animals.....

Hot Jungle Sex Gang Bang - Popular in Rwanda

You've Had A Rough Night When.....

The only way anyone can identify your body is by your deformed big toe.......

This little piggy got fucked up

Bleeeuuurrgghh! That's worse than those ads for toenail fungus. The ones where they show a big toenail that looks like a cornflake. The kind Old Knudsen probably has on both feet.

This one belonged to a Snow Cone salesman sho got his head bashed in by two girls with rocks after he allegedly put a curse on one of them. It's a fucked up story that can be found here.

Heartless Bastards

Some cunt stole somebody's wheelchair and dumped it round the corner from our house. It's a despicable act which I find amusing cause they took the front wheels off before they dumped it. Maybe it was a final "Fuck You" to the owner or maybe they just needed the wheels for something else like a go-cart. It's also possible that they themselves had a similar wheelchair that needed new front wheels, perhaps due to a broken bearing or something, and stole this one with the intent of using it's wheels as replacements for theirs. Maybe they operate a wheelchair chop shop. If that's the case I don't know why they didn't take the back wheels, the rubber looked to be in good condition. The only part of the chair that didn't look usable was the seat. It had a big stain on it suggesting the owner may have shit themselves once or twice.

I should call the Midnight Mission down on Skid Row so they can tell that paraplegic lad who got dumped by the hospital the other day to come and pick it up. I should probably mention that he will need to bring some wheels, a spanner and a tin of 3 in 1.

Stamp Collecting

It's not that surprising that only British citizens were honoured on pre-independance Nigerian postage stamps. We are, of course, God's chosen people.
Only after independance did Nigeria find the cajones to put their own idols on their stamps and banknotes.
I have some stamps depicting locals throwing sticks at a giraffe which I am willing to trade for a pack of pornographic playing cards.
Please email me if you are interested.