Music Notes

Doo-Wop. The sound that defined a generation. Not yours or mine but the old folks, some of them.
Doo-Wop originated in the ghetto's in the late 1940's and in the early day's was orientated towards jazz and rhythm & blues. A simple beat, vocal harmonies and light instrumentation were it's signature. It was known by many names, depending where you lived until the Royal Society of Arborists intervened in 1954 and decreed that it known only as Doo-Wop. Among the names used across America and the UK were "Diddle-Pop", "Poop-Diddly", "Widdle-Plop", "Frottle-Bop" and the highly unlikely "Swedish Swing".
The groups that became popular were mostly made up of black teenagers, high on drugs, full of adolescent angst and supressed homosexual thoughts. All this pent up emotion needed an outlet and instead of robbing houses and gang raping stray dogs they all decided to form groups and become famous. But what of their white counterparts?
In the parts of the country that black folks weren't allowed to go, unless they were owned by the people who lived there, white teenage boys were suffering the same angst and gay tendencies. Although not addicted to drugs, they pretended that they were. They too were looking for a release and word was spreading of this new music thanks to the wonder of radio and DJ's like "Uncle" Barney Felchman. Many started their own groups, many didn't make it, few did.
Unfortunately the "cracker" doo-wop groups were ridiculed and ostracized by their black counterparts and forced underground never to be heard of again except by those "in the know". Secret "hops" were arranged in farmers fields and deserted barns or factories where the groups sang their close harmony classics in the dark, sadly these events were poorly attended and the potential for making money from refreshments and t-shirt sales was limited. Even given the challenges, some groups soldiered on, dedicated to their art, refusing to give in to an industry dominated by darkies. Here, today, we remember some of those heroes of those early days.

Johnny & The Skidmarks - Formed in Cow Breeze, Wisconsin in 1950. 3 high school chums who shared the love of drag racing and malted milk. Continued performing until 1954 when Johnny (real name Moses Greenberg) was killed by a escaped dancing bear at the county fair.

Frankie Spunk & The Towelettes - From Dettol, Idaho. Performed in public for 4 years until 1954, refusing to go underground. The Towelettes quit to become an olympic relay team, leaving Frankie to sell bibles door to door. He was salesman of the year in 1956 and was promoted to vacuum cleaners but fired six months later for "inappropriate use of the sample vacuum cleaner". Unable to pay his rent, he was evicted and became a wandering drunk.

Rockin' Ronnie Retard - One of the only true "novelty" acts of the genre, Ronnie sadly drank himself to death with a lethal cocktail of Dr.Pepper and "Zingo!", a new laxative drink for which Ronnie's parents had signed him up for medical trials. As a result Zingo! never made it to the supermarket shelves and Ronnie never made it into 8th grade.

The Balloon Knots - Also from Dettol, Idaho they only had one song, "Rim Me Before Pa' Get's Home" which they would perform 10 times over every time they appeared. That is until they were sued in 1957 by a destitute Frankie Spunk who claimed that he had written the song in 1948 on the wall while having a shit in lead singer Ralphy DeMarco's outside bog. Frankie was awarded the rights to the song but was banned from performing it in the Western Hemisphere.

"Little" Doreen & The Muff's - A rare female quartet albeit of questionable sexuality. "Little" Doreen wasn't little at all, in fact she weighed over 30 stone and couldn't even wipe her arse without a yard stick with a sponge tied to the end. Their short spell in the spotlight ended when Doreen got stuck in a phone booth after a show while calling her parents to tell them that she and fellow Muff Georgie Winchell were lovers and were running away to Canada. While stuck in the booth awaiting the arrival of help, a coach full of black doo-wop bands on their way home from a gig in Memphis ran off the road destroying the phone booth and Doreen's dreams of Canada and lesbianism. Needless to say her untimely death saved Doreen's parents no end of pain and embarrassment and money usually spent on vast amounts of food.

Meanwhile, over in England where the race problem didn't exist, doo-wop groups were free to express themselves in public. Unfortunately, the Great British Public were having none of it and slogans like "Banish Yank Shite" and "Doo-Wop Us A Favour, Fuck Off!" started to appear painted on the side of public libraries and catholic churches. Only a handful of groups made the big time:

Vinny Turpentine & The Plungers - Formed in Rotherham in 1958, they waited until all the fuss had died down before releasing their first single "Ooh You Make Me Say Ooh". The single made it to number 163 on the chart, the following week Vinny was arrested for impersonating a Doctor and wearing a bra in the womens ward at Rotherham General and sentenced to 2 weeks in jail after admitting he had wanked himself off while looking at women as they pee'd in bed pans . The Plungers disowned him and went their own way.

Ernie Briggs & The Woodbines - Changed their name almost weekly as Ernie was convinced he was being spied upon by his primary school headmistress. Wracked with guilt over an incident with the school hamster, he commited suicide in 1957 by throwing himself under a horse drawn tram on the Isle of Man after a gig at the Lido Room.

Bert Cack & The Misogynists - Still performing to this very day although Bert is the only surviving member of the group. He can regularly be found propping up the bar at the Parr Stocks Labour Club in St.Helens and will belt out his old tunes for anyone who will buy him a pint and listen to him lie about shagging Diana Dors up the shitter while on tour in Rhyl in '59.

So there you have it, my longest post to date. Was it worth the effort? Was it fuck!