Pooping Outdoors

Have I mentioned my enjoyment of doing my business outdoors? Probably not as it's not a topic most people care to discuss. When I lived in the great North West of England, I, like many of the locals enjoyed regular nights out involving the drinking of several pints of mild followed by a healthy curry to purge the system. These nights typically ended in the small hours and as the buses stopped running at 10pm and being banned by all the local taxi firms, I was left with no choice but to walk the 3 miles home from my inn of choice. Naturally, it wasn't long before a cack was needed.
Luckily, my route home was through a rural area lush with vegetation providing me with an abundance of nature's bog roll, the doc leaf. It's size, thickness and flexibility make the doc leaf an adequate replacement in the absence of Andrex and infinately better than that scratchy medicated Izal stuff my Grandma's 90 year old cousin used to buy. Anyway, since moving stateside I have had to contain myself and learn to practice greater control, due mainly to the poor growing conditions for the doc leaf. It would seem they do not do well in such a dry climate as I have yet to see them anywhere and I am considering consulting the local garden center for advice now that Gardener's Question Time are refusing to take my calls.
I miss the oneness of it all, the closeness to mother earth, the serene feeling one achieves by giving back to the earth what you have taken and stripped of all nutrients and goodness. It's hard to explain.
I just don't trust these foreign plants, not to wipe my arse on. Some of them have sharp micro spines invisible to the human eye. Some cause unsightly skin complaints when you touch them. An uninformed layman such as I would do well to avoid using them for such a purpose as there would almost surely be an unpleasant trip to the A&E involved.
I'm not a prude, but I'm not comfortable with the idea of unknown doctors poking around my ring piece while a bunch of medical students look on trying not laugh at my big hairy white arse. I think the answer is to make such a situation as unpleasant for them as it would be for me, or at least diffuse the tension by shoving a lego man up there before going in. That way everybody gets a laugh and goes home with a good story to share over dinner. I know this tactic may shock some people and may even solicit accusations of gayness, so instead of a lego man I will use a lego woman, if there is such a thing.
I shall visit the lego store tomorrow!