My Arse

Well over at The Infomaniac, dirty old MJ has been soliciting pictures of blokes arses under the thin veil of an online beauty pageant type thing. We all know that is just a red herring and she wants them for her own, shall we say, viewing pleasure. I felt sorry for her though and submitted mine anyway (as did Old Knudsen) and for those of you not lucky enough to have visited MJ's blog, you should. Some people have complained that it is pornography, I prefer to think of it as smut as there aren't enough pictures of naked ladies for it to be porn.

Anyway, Mrs. Waring caught me standing at the computer, pants round my ankles while attempting to take a picture of my arse for MJ. The look of distaste on her face indicated that not only was this exactly what it looked like (me taking a picture of my arse) but that she did not approve and that she also suspected that other more sordid activities were about to take place. She started to back away from me with a scowl which suggested she may be off to call her mother and/or a divorce lawyer so I thought it best to try and explain. Also, I was having trouble getting the lighting and the angle right and really needed another pair of hands to assist. Asking our 6 year old daughter to help Daddy take a picture of his bum was probably not acceptable, so it would have to be the wife. Reluctantly and with an edgy silence, she agreed, handed me the camera and walked away shaking her head.

So here, for your consideration, is my hairy white arse.

Fuzzy, like a peach. You all owe me a tenner.

Bollocks!!

I awoke this morning with high expectations. I awoke happy and enthused. I didn't feel like waking up early to watch football, instead I slept in until 10am. When I woke, I did the usual ball scratching, toast eating routine and made my way happily to the computer. Today was going to be a good day. Brimming with positive energy I logged on and went to the BBC web site where I scanned the headlines. "Holiday girl abducted but alive," not very nice but good news in a way I suppose. " Plane crashes in Cameroon," slightly less of a feel good factor about that one. In sport, "Man Utd on brink of winning title," at least it isn't Chelsea. "West fuckingHam 3 Bolton 1," fuck. This is bad news. Fuck West fucking Ham and fuck Sam Allardyce, this would not have happened had he not resigned last week. If you think I'm upset because Notlob lost, you are wrong. I couldn't give a flying fuck about them. Nervously I clicked on Sport, then Football, then Premiership with eyes closed. I opened one eye:

15	Fulham	37	-20	39
16	Sheff Utd	36	-19	38
17	West Fucking Ham	37	-25	38
18	Wigan	37	-23	35
19	Charlton	36	-24	33
20	Watford	37	-30	27

Fuck, fuck fuckity fuck! The cunts! How the fuck has this happened? Only one game left and its a must win if my beloved Wigan are to avoid the drop. West fucking Ham deserve to go down, not Wigan. No one, except West fucking Ham want Wigan to go down. Bollocks! Fuck! Shit!

I'm sorry to subject you to my woe, I generally don't post about football but I can't talk to the wife about it, she is under the impression that it's "just a game" and American friends just smile politely and nod without a fucking clue what I'm talking about.

West fucking Ham should have been docked 10 points for those dodgy transfer deals and should be going down instead along with Watford, who I wanted to do well but didn't and Charlton who can fuck off 'cause they have been asking for it for years. Fair enough Wigan haven't had a great season, but have had some bad luck, a lot of bad luck and lost a lot of games from winning positions but at least they are entertaining.

There is still a chance, one game left and West Fucking Ham play Man Utd away. A definate spanking as it's the last game of the season and Utd will want to win the prem in style in front of their fans. Wigan travel to Sheffield where they have to win, if they do, goal difference should see them through and justice done.

Bollocks!

Trust Me, I'm a Dentist

Dentists are getting a bum rap these days. Don't misunderstand me, they deserve it, the sadistic bastards. Not only do they practically have a license to print their own money but mine recently went on a two week vacation, leaving me with a temporary filling where there should have been a crown, then he came back all suntanned and smiling only to inflict upon me 2 hours of misery and a temporary crown made of metal. So now I have to go back again next week for the real thing.

First of all, MJ exposed the antics of one dirty dentist who got himself into a spot of bother for relieving himself in the sink and cleaning his ears with his dental tools. As I lay in the chair the other day, I thought about this as everything the fucker does when he isn't poking around inside my mouth or telling me to look to the side and cough, he does behind me. He could be up to all sorts of things back there. Shooting up with heroin, making faces behind my back, fondling the assistant. Who knows?

Then I read about the 'dentist' in Florida who was arrested and charged with performing dental work without a license in his filthy garage. Roger Bean was being held on $6,000 bond for allegedly performing denture fittings of the false teeth he was making in the filthy conditions of his garage. He was charging patients $200 for what would normally cost them $2,000.

Another satisfied customer....

Ron St.Mary, 73, head of the local neighbourhood crime watch said that Bean was no criminal. "He's helping the old people who don't have a few dollars, I think the world of him."
I'm not sure that this is the kind of man who you would want heading up your local neighbourhood crime watch. He obviously endorses criminal activity if the elderly benefit from it, so presumably if I were to go and rob a pharmacy and sell the drugs to the likes of Ron for less than what they would normally pay, that would be okay. I think you just lost the next election Ron and I would watch it if I were you, that kind of talk could lead to impeachment.

Then I read about a Polish dentist operating in England and Scotland who was responsible for a catalog of mistakes including perforating a womans nose when she missed the mark with the needle, giving someone unnecessary dentures, drilling through the wrong tooth and using twice the normal concentration of bleach during a root canal treatment which caused the patients face to swell up and possible nerve damage. " I meant no harm," said the dentist.

At least Roger Bean's patients appreciated him enough not to sue him.

The Week That Wasn't

First of all, thanks to those of you who took time to email or post your concern over my lack of posts this last week. Even those of you who disguised your concern as attacks on my personal integrity. Showing compassion can be difficult when mummy and daddy never told you they loved you, so I understand where you where coming from.

I needed to spend my 1 to 2 hours a day of time not spent working or sleeping doing things other than blogging and/or concerning myself with the ways of the world. Don't ask me what I did instead 'cause I can't remember. I did go to bed very early a couple of nights, and no, Mrs. Waring did not get lucky. At least not with me.

A lot can happen in a week. I'm tempted to make one huge post and shoot my proverbial wad in one go, but I will save some stuff for later. It's been a good week but one that ended on something of a sour note when I was hit on by one of the ladyboys in the club last night. Luckily, I am not the type of lad that responds to such advances by punching the offender full in the face. I rather took it as a compliment but politely declined the offer by telling him/her that I already had a boyfriend. That seemed to confuse Arthur (that's what I call her) for a moment as (s)he seemed to be considering coming clean and 'fessing up but obviously thought better of blowing their cover and just smiled and gave me a hug (!) instead. Why the fuck are there no dry cleaners open on a Sunday?

Anyway, yesterday I ventured out to buy myself a new black shirt. I'm a big lad, 6 foot 3 to be exact and so prefer to buy shirts at stores for big lads. I wear a 2XL tall, most regular stores do not sell 2XL tall or if they do, all such stock is bought within seconds of being put on display by 5 foot 3 hispanic or african american types. That just fuckin' kills me y'know. I see these little twats parading down the street wearing shit that is 10 sizes too fuckin big for them and I think "Where the fuck did you get that?" Whenever I go shopping for clothes all they have is small boys medium that I could barely get one arm inside. Little bastards.

So, as I said, I'm out shopping for a nice black shirt and I go to 'Casual Male XL' where I am amused to find a fellow shopper loudly procuring for himself some new threads. By the looks of this guy, he doesn't get out often without the aid of the fire department and a winch. He's a bit on the large side and has a voice to match. After 5 minutes of debate with the assistant over whether the 4X or the 5X would be better, he settles on the latter and proceeds to the cash register where he already has several items ready for purchase and where another customer was waiting in line. The conversation was priceless......

Fat Guy - "So, what do you do?"
Innocent Bystander - "I'm a draftsman"
FG - "What's that?"
IB - "I draw blue prints"
FG - "I did that in college!"
IB - "Oh....really?"
FG - "Yes."
IB - "Oh....okay....well....."
Awkward silence.....
FG - "I'm going out on a date tonight!"
IB - "Yeah...."
FG - " Well, it's not really a date....it's bingo.....OA bingo. You know what OA is?"
IB - "Ummm.....no"
FG - "Overeaters Anonymous, that where I met her." (I had to hide behind the suit rack at this point.)
IB - "Really?"
FG - "Yeah....I have an eating problem...."
IB - "Huh?"
At this point, fat guy has an afterthought and yells back across the store to the assistant "Do you guys sell swimming trunks?"

Thanks for the image you fat fuck....

Sadly, I had left my cell phone in the car. A picture would have told told a thousand words.

Just Call In Sick

An Encino Nanny came clean this week and admitted that her claims that some bloke was frequenting a local park and offering nannies money to buy the babies they were caring for, were false. She had lied about it because she didn't want to take the baby for a walk. I suspected that this was the case all along. She went to extraordinary lengths to avoid physical excercise, the lazy cow.

It did seem far fetched. It was after all an odd tactic. You don't often hear of this kind of behaviour, human trafficking being frowned upon more than actual kidnap these days. You can understand (almost) some nutjob going to a park and stealing a baby cause thats what they do, but actually going to a park and offering to buy a baby is just daft. The risk is too high, the chances of asking someone who not only does not want to sell their baby but would also be tempted to alert the authorities are rather high. Plus, even if you find someone willing to sell, the asking price would almost certainly be prohibitive. Why lay out a small fortune when you can just steal one? And, speaking of risk, if the kid turns out to be a fuckin idiot you may as well have just flushed your money down the bog. Steal a mong, on the other hand, and you can just put it back where you found it without being out of pocket except for maybe a few quid spent on food and nappies.

Certain sections of society get quite upset when the topic of trade in humans comes up. As you can imagine, the LAPD were anxious to speak with this man, especially after a 2nd report was made a day later that the man had returned to the same park (even more unlikely) and approached a different Nanny. The reality of it all is quite disappointing for me. I was very interested in the real facts of the case. The ones that the cops did not release. Like, how much did she claim this man offered for the baby? What would be a fair price on the open market for a baby? Would the gender, colour, size make a difference?

I once had to counsel an employee who had been offered a baby for sale at the Social Security Office in Van Nuys. Not being a particularly bright lad, he had taken the womans phone number and told her that he had a sister who might be interested, having tried for several years to conceive without success. I listened with amazement as he told me about this and how he had arranged for his sister to come into town and meet the woman and the baby. He seemed quite sure that he was doing a service to the community by taking this kid of the womans hands and putting it into the hands of his barren sister. This is the same guy who without question, gave a vial of his blood to a nurse at a clinic because she told him she needed it for a "school project". Like I said, not too bright....

My advice to the nanny? All you had to do was pretend you had the shits or a bad knee or something? Fuck, couldn't you have just used the old "time of the month" routine? Womens problems? You could have said that little Irving had a temperature and you didn't want to risk it. If you are going to lie, make it fuckin believable.....

Spring Break - YAY!!!

I paid 50 fuckin' dollars for a parking pass for college for the semester. Every fuckin' week I get there at least 45 minutes before class. Every fuckin' week I end up parking illegally because the fuckers sold twice the number of parking passes that they have parking spaces. Last night I left extra early to see if I could get a real space, thus avoiding the possibility of a ticket.
I exited the freeway, race down the hill at high speed and screech around the corner to see.... a vast and sparsely populated parking lot......fuck!! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! What a moron.... I had checked my diary just a day or two ago to see when spring break actually was and had made a mental note that it was next week, the week of the 16th. I am still all messed up by the early switch to daylight savings time and am actually operating a full week behind the rest of the country. So it was a wasted trip although not quite as wasted as I was after stopping by Trader Joes on my way home.....It is spring break after all.

Ello John! Got A New Motor?

Perhaps unsurprisingly, no one was willing to meet the reserve price on a 1999 VW Golf that once belonged to Pope Benedict that was being sold on eBay. Reportedly, several bids passed the $204,000 mark, but none met the asking price.

Would you buy a used car from this man?

The metallic gray, pimped out VeeDub was being auctioned off by an online casino company which bought the ride from a German bloke in 2005. Apparently they posted Kraut registration docs that proved the car was previously owned by Josef Kardinel Ratzinger, or Joey Rats as he is known in Vatican circles.

Rollin' on 22's, pumpin new shit by NWA, sippin' on gin n juice.

The reason the car didn't sell? Who gives a fuck! All I know is that if it was his predecessors Austin Maxi that was up for auction it would raise millions. Can you imagine the credibility you would have pulling up to the Catholic Womens League jumble sale in that? A real gash magnet for sure. You would have your pick of the Ladies Crown Green Bowling team. They would be lining up to ride in a car once owned by a real, genuine almost-a- saint. Imagine the thrill of turning the dashboard jesus to the windscreen and getting a hummer in JP the II's backseat.

You would get your money back in no time at all. Once you inform the papers of the image of Jesus in the grain of the walnut dashboard you could name your price for "miracle rides" exploiting the weak and terminally ill. The elderly and infirm? A trip to ASDA should do the trick, that way you could have them carry your shopping for you as well.

To their credit, the casino company said that they were going to give 40% of the proceeds to (an unamed) charity.